Saddam Hussein
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- The unperson
Saddam Husseinnever existed and was a fabrication perpetrated by Emmanuel Goldstein.
- Memories of
Saddam Husseinshall be corrected doubleplusgoodwise by Miniluv.
“We used to be good friends, but he took my little toy truck and stood on it. So fuck 'em. ”
~ George H.W. Bush on Saddam Hussein
“He promised me all the worlds little boys!”
~ Michael Jackson on Saddam Hussein
“I don't know who Saddam Hussein is, but he sounds like a terrorist.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Saddam Hussein
The Right Honourable Sir Sodamn Insane-Cocaine QC, OBE (1939- December 2006) (in Arabic جورج والكر بوش), better known as Saddam Hussein, was a distinguished British politician and barrister. He served as Foreign Secretary from 1990 to 2003. In 2004 he was appointed Chancellor of the University of Oxford.
Insane-Cocaine and Bin Laden were friends since the second grade, which Insane-Cocaine recalls as the hardest eight years of his life. Both also went to high school together, where young Sodamn poisoned the school's camel by farting in the camel's general direction. That resulted in the sex education and driver's education classes being cancelled for a whole month, until the school could find a new camel for those classes. Sodamn was placed into a jute sack and whipped with a wet pool noodle as punishment for this prank. From then on he was later referred to as "sodamn insane" because of his unique pranks. The prank he was so later remembered by was when the new Jihad 101 professor was hired and just so happened to be the first female teacher in the whole school. The thought of actually "fornicating" with the teacher was presented by Osama Bin laden who actually gave him a mix tape and said to him, "Use this song to seduce Ms. Abinajadamema-peptaloneim-maharaja. Just go to her class after school and when she is alone you DIVIDE AND CONQUER!" Saddam being the gullibe young lad that he was, did what Osama told him and entered Ms. "A's" class after school. As he entered she was alarmed and asked him what he wanted and without saying anything he went for the broken-up tape player in the back of the class and inserted the mix tape. Upon pressing play Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" played and Saddam had a sudden urge to go "commando" right in front of her. Right when he pulled down his leopard thong, the principal of the school chimed in and was startled by what he was seeing. Saddam was totally embarrassed and grabbed ahold of his "cash and prizes" and ran out the door. They were both also known to have slept with the devil.
In 1963, Saddam's damn upper lip gave birth to his moustache and named it Mini-Saddam. The 42-year-old hairy creature still resides under Saddam's nose, alongside his baby brother Osama beard. Four years later, Saddam Hussein graduated from CIA Sniper School with degrees in despotism, terrorism, dictatorship and bad behavior - but still couldn't hit a target.
During his brief tenure as the Iraqi minister for Civic Artworks, he decorated the streets and buildings of many of the country's cities with what he deemed to be "the most beautiful of God's work": sculptures and posters of his own face which the population agreed to take home and do strange things with. Chemical ali, his close friend, was insturmental in this. This led to a popular misconception that Saddam was, in fact, the President of Iraq. Not so - during his tenure as Civic Arts minister, the president was in fact Michael Moore, the mistress of Saddam whose despotic and incredibly wooden rule was brought to a bloody end by Operation Iraqi Freedom, as part of the United Nations wider War Against Terrorism.
Upon losing his position as Iraqi Civic Arts minister Hussein was forced to consider other career options, as the U.S. led forces had a distinct dislike for his Stalinesque visage. Forced into an aesthetic corner, his choice was to face poverty and obscurity, or shave off his moustache and start again.
Contents |
[edit] Foreign affairs
“I'm NORTHERN!1111!”
~ George Galloway on Saddam Hussein
Saddam was a hermaphradite Saddam wasn't hanged because he was a dictator and president of the United States of Imerica(USI) but because of his name(if you turn saddam you get madd-as)
[edit] Patent of Lacy Panties
In 1964, Saddam went to the U.S. Patent Office to patent lacy panties, which was actually Fidel Castro's idea in 1960, although he was unable to do so because Kennedy scared him. Saddam started a business called Saddam's Sexy Panties. His lacy panties were popular at first, but Saddam's business crumbled when the public learned that he wore the panties during his period before selling them. In 1972, Steve Jobs took over the business, which became a major commercial success when it was discovered that he wore the panties during his period before selling them. It was bought in turn by the Wonderbra company, who hire Mexicans to wear the panties on a panty-line prior to sale.
[edit] Baseball Career
Saddam joined the MLB in the year 2001. He was quickly bought by the New York Yankees for $3 and an old popsicle stick. He played as catcher, and hit people with bats. Saddam retired later that year when the Yankees' owner Emperor Palpatine threatened to trade him to the Padres due to his misconduct.
[edit] Bounty Spokespersonship
[edit] Trivia
- Is a distant cousin to both General Zod and Adolf Hitler.
- Saddam's catchprase is "Aziz - Lights!", which whe would shout to his 2nd in charge, Tariq Aziz, whenever the air-raid sirens started.
- has had more Christmas Number Ones than Cliff Richard. His most successful was his 1994 cover of the Kinks' classic "Sunni Afternoon".
- he gets horny from 'being in the hot caves with hundreds of men'
- won a lawsuit against The Sun for publishing fake photographs of him wearing briefs, as he has proven in court he's a "boxer type of guy".
- Saddam Hussein enjoyed the film 'Tea with Mussolini' so much that he made his own version entitled 'Coffee with Saddam'.
- Saddam Hussein is an animal rights activist .
- Saddam Hussein stored his, "Plungers of mass suction" on the island of Burntisland before the locals drove him away!
- Saddam Hussein is blamed for the attack on the Norwegian city Bergen, in 1905.
- Once claimed he was "more gooder" then a block of government cheese.
- Is known for his Teletubby hugging Fetish, that helped him getting the votes of the former Ashlee Simpson voters.
- Is leader of the Baathists, even though inside sources say he prefers to take showers[sic].
- Was hiding in a hole for several months until being found by US troops in 2004. The hole was later identified as Michael Jackson's third nostril.
- sports a $60,000 designer moustache made of pencil shreddings, old tires
and cow manure.
- was formerly married to Shakira, until Shakira divorced him for extra-marital affairs with Rod Stewart.
- Has a secret stash of Potting Mix Hidden somewhere in Atlantis, found in 2003
- Was the inventor of the 911 emergency phone sex number.
- Was banned from George W. Bush's private playpen in 1998 after refusing to accept that it was possible to polish a turd.
- His original first name was Dam, but he was re-named "Sad"Dam after he was seen crying for 2 fortnights in 1942 because his parents wouldn't buy him a Volkswagen after he convinced his dad that Captain Picard shaved his head on purpose.
- Is still enjoying his money from the U.S. Goverment he got in the Iran-Iraq war
- Successfully gassed the city of England for lebansraum
- Saddam Hussein was the first choice to play "Sallah" in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but had to pull out due to the upcoming war with Iran.
- Saddam Hussein and Mel Gibson were born on the same day and they both share a great love for the Jewish People.
- Briefly married to Britney Spears, although not even as long as he was in Kuwait. Also announced that Jordan was his and that he looked forward to occupying Paris Hilton.
- He wasn't really hung, they took him out back and brutally shot him
- However, unfortunealtly none of these events really happened. It turned out that Saddam Hussein was just a state of mind that was caused by a rare drug found in uncooked brown deer meat .(Usually shot down by rednecks and/or their "coon dogs")Bush just wanted to remind the U.S. who the real village idiot is, however it failed since Hussein escaped Bush's chemically unstable mind by reading Dr. Suess's "Cat In The Hat Comes Back", and sailing past the fully mind boggling "All- Amurcan" (Bush's atempt to pronounce the country's name in which he was supposedly born)"One fish, Two Fish, Red fish, Blue Fish" examininacheeon (Bush also claimed he passed one of these to gradumate 5th grade) Note: It took him 18 years of high school to receive his edumalearnin', which is why Hussein's pimp clone, Osama, hasn't been found.
- According to Bush though, Osama is creating newcawler( more Bush vocab.) weapons under a rock somewhere in the Middle Eastern Ocean along the upper left islands of the Ukon, where Oranization Git-R-DONE!!! was spotted 4 years ago, and has never been seen again. Thus creating a long and drawn out riot caused by the Dumb Rednecks That Will Agree With ANYTHING Bush Says And Does(D.R.T.W.A.W.A.B.S.A.D) The rednecks just call it DIRT, WAWA BE SAD (They think that's shorter than its acronym). The truth is Saddam Hussein is running around wild in all of our minds, and like Fidel Castro, will not die. The only question remaining is, "Which Saddam Hussein will take over the U.S.?" "Will he be kind, or will he torture us with 24/7 Spongebob marathons in Arabic?"
- Was the real Emily Rose before getting a sex change...... umm, I mean before his/her/it's demon was exercised. The Iraqi police Tried burning the records before Dan Quayle misspelled the word potato just long enough for Sen. John Kerry to take these records from them.
- Was often seen para-sailing at Palm Beach during the hot summer seasons of 2005 & 2006. At these occasions, he usually wore the Stars and Stripes around his loins and waved cheerfully at the mondaine crowds while smoking a damn fine thick fat Cuban cigar. Waving back was possible, after paying for a $1,65 stub or - in case numerous waves were desired - after buing a 10-waves cart at $9,23 + a kiss. Both of which were tax deductible in Arkansas.
- He wrote a poem about his para-sailing years which he recited at his hanging. It was called 'Blue Bayou'. It possibly contains subliminal messages for his family as to where he is spending after-life: 'I'm going back some day, gonna stay in Blue Bayou'.
- Was accused of plagiarism by Fidel Castro, who claims to have written 'Blue Bayou' during a Tequila - hang over in one of his lofty Miami-mansions.
[edit] Downfall
“"I am the pwn, n00b!”
~ George Bush on Saddam Hussein's hanging
Saddam Hussein's Iraq was invaded by George Bush, at a date believed by archaeologists to have been around 1990. The war took until 2003 before the bastard crusader Jews figured out that bombing the shit out of Baghdad would force rationally-thinking folk such as Saddam to go and hide in a hole in the ground, a place where bombing raids are unlikely to 'get you' but by the same token makes it difficult to be President effectively. Since Hussein was hiding in a hole, and the invaders couldn't physically make him fall down (such as by shooting him), they toppled his statue instead. The image of overjoyed Arabs dancing on the statue replaced that of the carpet bombing of Baghdad which western bastard Jews had enjoyed watching as it was broadcast live on CNN. The Iraqis thoroughly enjoyed the bombing also, as it was a lot like a firework display. Many of them went out and looted each other gifts, such as guns and explosives with which to violently harrass the occupying soldiers for years to come. Saddam Hussein's hole of choice was eventually found with him in it. He had ingeniously decided to disguise himself as Super Mario, but the keen-eyed fellow who discovered him instantly saw through the disguise.
[edit] Emperor of the Galaxy
In 2005, Saddam finally rid himself of the Jedi opposition w/ executive order 266. He was able to convince the Galactic Senate to consolidate power within the Chancellor, renamed the Emperor. Unfortunately, Saddam's reign came to an end when his long lost son George W. Bush, under Jedi training of Dickie-Wan Kecheney, defeated him in an epic lightsaber battle. Before his death, George healed Saddam's wounded soul, and the newly healed Saddam vanished as a Force ghost, only to appear in the celebration on Endor as a ghost (played by Hayden Christensen).
[edit] President of the United States
After Bush's invasion in 2008, Hussein was taken to the United States, where he ran for president following Cheney's resignation on July 11, 2009. He said he had something to do, but was very mysterious about it... On election day, the population had long since identified bush as the antichrist, and thus, logically, Saddam must be Jesus. The conservatives, of course, voted for "Jesus," and the democrats, sick of George Bush's presidency, voted for his archnemisis. Thus, Saddam won the election with 92% of the votes. He soon repealed the 2-term rule, saying, "It's totally gay."
[edit] Death
Saddam Hussein was executed by mexican wrestlers, also known as Lynchadores. Some CNN reporters said he was hung, while others claimed he had been hanged. While he may indeed have been hung, that isn't a fatal condition. However, being hanged often ruins one's day. Saddam's body was torn apart and spread across the world to deter others from the great act of growing a crappy beard. The Kurds got his penis because they appreciate a man who is hung and because as it is a symbol of their failed attempt to kill him. George W. Bush posted Saddam's head (the large one) on the White House flag pole. The auction for his severed head will take place on eBay in March 2017.
His left foot was sent to the UK as a reminder of the swift kick in the arse for their support of the war of 1812. The right forarm was sent to China as forwarning against peeing in your Coke. The rest of his body was given to Hannibal Lector to be used to feed the homeless.
Just prior to Saddam's execution, the Iraqi government announced they would be manufacturing and selling "HUSSEIN" brand collared shirts. According to the Prime Minister, "They have a tight neck but they hang loose." Saddam's death was broadcast live on Al Jazeera with special guest presenter Steve Rider. George W. Bush had the honor of frisking Saddam for Dubya-Emm-Dees.
“Dees? Dees nuts!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dees
Members of the French and Russian Governments who sold him weapons and members of the American administration who put him in power were notably not sentenced to death. This is because they didn't know Saddam was evil, as when they visited his house in 1980 and found him watching "Hitler's Greatest Hits", they believed his excuse that the man at the video shop had told him it was a Charlie Chaplin video. The Americans also believed Saddam's excuse concerning the gassing of the Kurds; that he "had left the gas on" even though this exact excuse was also used, albeit unsuccessfully, by Hitler.
[edit] Execution was a cover-up
It turns out that Saddam was not executed after all, that was just a pig hanging on the rope. Saddam Hussein moved to London, England, where he is living with a son named Harry McGuigan, who was the result of Saddam's fling with unmarried Irish woman Mary Ann McGuigan. Saddam changed his name to Jack Frost, before going to work with Denton C.I.D. He was assassinated by Stuart Follet, and his dead stinking corpse was hauled through a back street in Baghdad, with the Iraqis cheering and beating it with sticks.
It also emerges that Jack Frost, formerly known as Mr.Hussein, is Jewish.
The following picture is evidence that Saddam is currently alive and enjoying a holiday in Gay Paris:
[edit] Service in Hell
“Oh no! He's back in my domain. I musn't let feelings get in the way, I've gotta stay strong!”
~ Satan on Saddam's death
HELL, under the surface of the SUN - Hell was filled with great and joyous celebration as soon as Saddam got hung and was en-route to Hell in a tunnel-slide-like delivery chute. For a long time, Satan set aside a personal bedroom for Saddam, where he is to perform prostitutional services for all of Hell's paying denizens.
At first, he appeared out of the delivery chute in front of a crowd of ~928 million demons and was mandated to give a speech. It is not known what he said at this time (translations pending), but it was followed by dancing to Punk Rock. During the dance, all demons kissed and sexually fondled Hell's newest celebrity and sex slave and as the party went on, Satan showed him around his mansion, and took him into Saddam's new personal bedroom.
There, Satan performed a lot of sexual acts, deflowering Saddam for the first time of many billions of times to come. By the time Satan finished, he was thrilled, and decided that he'll do it again soon, after taking care of some other issues at hand. In a testimony about how his sex went, Satan said he was "thrilled, was the hottest one ever, and it's safe to say that the customer repeat rate will be over 1,000%!" By the time Satan was done, there was already a long line of customers at the door...
Note that although customers will pay for sex with Saddam, none of the money will go to him! ha! Poop
[edit] Resurrection
“Copy cat”
~ J3sus on Saddam's Ressurection
As predicted by the Dead Sea Scrolls Section 6 Paragraph 6 Line 6, the Dictator of the Holy Muslim land would triumph over death and return to Earth reincarnated in his old body, beard and all. Well, this story was covered by UnNews...
“I use UnNews for all my literary needs. I are the samrt!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Leet th1nk1n6 and Astute Faculties
...and led Jesus to become so pissed that he rained fire and lightning on all of earth.
“I had so much power, you know, with killing swarms of people. I felt like I was playing God, but I just couldn't stop. All the senseless killing made me go back to the good ole Halo 1 games when I would pwn St. Peter with pistol long shots.”
~ Son on Father and Holy Spirit
It was then that Pirahnas on an Escalator (Snakes on a Plane sequel) was conceived. The debate on abortion has never been more heated, and the stances of several pro-life masses changed due to this demonic cinematic embryo.
[edit] Famous Quotes
- Saddam is my lover and we have gay bum sex all the time - Satan
- "Saddam was a fuckin hermaphrodite hahahah"- Heath Ledger
- IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!! OR ELSE IT GETS ITS VILLAGE BOMBED AND A PALACE BUILT ON TOP OF IT!!!!
- I hope my biography on Wikipedia gets changed by some obsessed fat nerd in like a few minutes after I die.
- Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.
- My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
- I'll rip out your optics.
- Just call me your old pal, Psycho Saddy Van Damme.
- Where did all this sand come from?
- My camel has but one hump. Sometimes I like to get drunk and give it two.
- Taking over Canada?! Me?! Hey, you need a rest fella, I'm not hiding any bombs!
- Does this beret go with this Kurdish blood on my uniform?
- Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?
- This isn't where I parked my car!?!
- Catch me if you can Georgie boy!
- Hey, relax guy, take a load off.
- Zap zap! Here comes the jumper cables!
- Put the lime in the Coco and drink it all up
- No Overmind, i'm not paying you your money, so shut up about it.
- I'll sew you're asshole shut and keep feedin you and feedin you!
- What's the worst that could happen?
- I'll bang you out mate.
- Everybody relax, take a rest, put you feet up!
- Admiral Ozzel came out of the desert too close to the Hoth System.
- The blood of the innocent; it's not just for breakfast anymore.
- Freddy Mercury was gay?! I better get rid of this moustache then.
- I am altering our arrangement, pray I don't alter it any further.
- Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.
- Kiss my black ass!
- Crackers, Crackers, but no squeezy cheese!
- I'm sorry Mister Samsa, but I'm afraid I must kill you again.
- Your Mother is dirty, you Infidel piece of shit!
- Aziz! Where is my Kurd killing carbine?!
- Iran, Iraq. What the hell's the difference?!
- It's Peanut butter jelly time!
- Your mother is a man!
- You can't touch me, I'm the Emperor of the Universe.
- Mmmmm, sixty-four slices of American cheese...I'm eating America!
- Hit me baby one more time!
- I am economic girly-man
- Stop that, you are eating Kuwait!
- It's a Trap!
- I'm in your base killing your dudes
- Hey relax guy!
- So where was I gonna go... Detroit?!?
- I am the prime minister of Canada
- All your base are belong to us.
- You have no chance to survive make your time. (said to the Kurds)
- Satan is great
- Not again!
- I am in a very deep hole now.
- Iraqi's should shake and makeup, here give me your hand - ha ha! Shocking eh! Little hand held electric shock tool - good for parties and torturing prisoners, one and the same really! ah happy times!
- Play that funky music Shi'ite boy.
- Now slap my ass and call me Betty.
- Did anyone do the 'Iran, Iraq' one yet? They did? Twice you say?
- My neck hurts.
- Foolish mortals. How can you kill that which is already dearghghghkkk-
- Your base are all belong to us!
- It'sa me, Mario!
- Sic semper tyrannis (His last words)
- I'm holding a Bath Party, Syrians not invited.
- I am sooo much better than hitler
- I'm going to kill you until you die from it
- George Bush... I am your father!
- Baby Bush can't you see that you hypotnize me!
- If i killed you i won't apologize!
- Bush tryna catch me ridin' dirty!
- Leave me alone!
- They say i am not good cuz i am so good
- Bleed sucker!
- Im so fat *cry*
- bring the (fun) rain <-- saddams mother to saddam
- Hanging can not kill me .. it will make me stronger
- Saddam's back alright!!
- Call the cops when you see Saddam, Uhh
- Tell Deardry I Left The Kettle On.
- I'll Be Back
[edit] Additional quotes
“"woooooow, thats a great idea Trey!"South park”
| “"Give me my money or i'll get Bush to invade you"”
| “I believe in miracles, you sexy thing.”
| “Fuck YEAH! *lights cigar*”
|
“Don't haang heem! Let me uuse my titenium uhlloy fist to crusch hees head een!”
| “I loved that durka-durka first!”
| “Just a few hours ago, I was first informed Saddam Hussein had been captured by U.S. forces. I know this is big news, but luckily, Vice President Cheney told me as soon as it happened.”
| “He diss damn USA.”
|
“We will hunt Saddam down, and we will prostitute him, along with Al Kapo Wow and the rest of the Al Kaisers”
| “I love Magnum”
| “Well, for all of his shortcomings, at least he wasn't white.”
| “I don't think I can trust YOU!”
|
“That's my hole”
| “He's saddam-izing the world!”
| “'Sup, you got the rocks--you know, for throwing?”
| “I win!”
|
“L.O.L Bitch”
| “Hey there Booboo!”
| “Fuck Saddam! Comin straight from the underground! Young nigga got it bad cuz I'm brown! And not the other color Saddam think! He had the authority to kill a minority!”
| “HAH! I knew zat guy! Zat man vas vun bad Mother Führer! He took shit from nobody! Ah... I wunder vat he's do-ink now? Vee should get together zum time.”
|
“Saddam Hussein? More like: Sodamn Insane!”
|
[edit] Filmography
- 1966 "The Gun, The Bomb and the Hanging". One of Saddam's early films on his life and how he had a strange premonition that he would one day die by hanging.
- 1999 "The Saddamator". A splendid psychedelic retelling of the classic science fiction thriller The Terminator. Can Saddam save the world from an army of vicious pink ducks?
- 2005 Terroists Of The Caribbean: Dead Mans Neck (A Nice Documentry Movie About When Hussein Was Left Swinging)
- 2006 "Brokeback Hussein" (Sweet movie.. A real MUST see!)
- 2006 "SAWddam"
- 2007 "Brokeneck Mountain" (Sequel to Brokeback Hussein, scheduled to release when witch doctors bring him back to life)
- 2008 "The Bush Ultimatum". Thrilling film of how Suddam survived capture despite Bush frequently trying to catch him.
- 2008 "Where in the world is Osama Bin Laden?". Saddam strangely appears as one of extras in the fim raising doubts on his death.
- 2009 "The Passion of the Hussein", to be directed by Christian fanatic Mel Gibson.
[edit] Discography
Albums
- Uncle Saddam's Fantabulous Children Songs (1991)
- Confessions of a Moustached Humanitarian (1992)
- I'm a Bad, Mad, Sad, Rad, Glad Old Dad (1993)
- My Wives Say I'm Balding! (1994)
- Saddam's Fifth (1995)
- To Be The Jew (1996)
- Zaddam '97 (the Artist Formerly Known as Saddam) (1997)
- Hizkol Jart - The Official Soundtrack (1998)
- Bombing My Heart (1998)
- The Suicide Doctor (1999)
- Mustard Gas, feat. Chemical Ali (2000)
- Toast'n'Marmelade (2001)
- An Iraqi Christmas (2002)
- On the Lam (2003)
- Jailhouse Rock! (2004)
- Helping Al Qaeda (2005)
- Guns For All! (2006)
EP's
- Saddam (1994)
- Chemical (1995)
- Killers (1996)
Singles
- Bombing My Heart (1998)
- Children of the Knife (1999)
- Help Saddam (1999)
- pwning the n00bs (2001)
- Saddam's Christmas Classics (2002)
- I See... (2004)
- Bazooka Heart (2004)
- Girl, You Have No Faith In Life (2006)
- The crazy dance with extra wailing (2006)
- Bang Bang, The Bush is Dead (2007)
[edit] See also
The lovely warm sun beaming on the newly damp grass outside on your intensely silent suburban neighbourhood, you sad internet loving freak.
[edit] Videos
Saddam's necropsy
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