Safety scissors

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“I love safety scissors. They are the physical embodiment of brute force and ignorance.”

~ Stephen Fry on Safety Scissors

Safety scissors are, perhaps, the most ingenious innovation of the last 5000 years. As well as displaying a total lack of cutting capability, they come in so many different pretty colors, and are made out of plastic.

[edit] History of Safety Scissors

One day in 1824, a Frenchman by the name of Jacques de Safecut was attempting to make a chain of paper dolls to decorate his house. He had carefully folded his paper into sixteen quarters, drawn an elaborate design complete with genitalia and coloured it in in anatomically correct shades with Crayola crayons. Then he produced a pair of sharp scissors, ready to cut the chain into shape.^[1]

But then- horror of horrors!- Jacques' six-year-old daughter Marie walked into the room. Terrified that his daughter would see the obscene decorative object, Jacques rushed to finish cutting the dolls out. But in his panic, Jacques did not realize that he was not cutting paper, but his own hand! The half-finished dolls were coated in blood, rich, flowing, red blood, dark with nutritious iron supplements, tasty garlicky blood...

Anyway. As a result, Jacques was left scarred by the incident, both physically, mentally and trichologically. Forever doomed to have a penis-shaped scar on his hand, Jacques made a promise to himself on that day that he would find a way to stop such a horrific accident from ever happening again.

[edit] The First Pair

It took Jacques just two years to come up with a concept that would forever change the world. The problem with scissors was that they were sharp, and therefore cut things. So all you had to do was make them not sharp. This was Jacques' eureka moment. The prototype pair of safety scissors was fashioned out of Jacques' underpants. Sadly, without a proper hinge they defied even Jacques' definition of scissors. ^[2]

Plastic would not be invented for another eighty years, so Jacques died an unhappy, lonely, penis-shaped-scarred man.^[3] Luckily, his daughter lived just long enough to pass on the concept to her own children, Yvette, Yvonne and Fred. Seeing the potential of safety scissors, they founded a company dedicated to fulfilling their grandfather's dream of a completely useless stationery implement.

[edit] Safetyscis, inc.

Nobody in France would help fund the grandchildrens' aspirations. They were told their dream was "éstupide", "épointlesse" and "érubbishe" ^[4]. So, naturally, they moved to England and carried on. Safetyscis, inc. was founded in 1915 with the motto "Emo-free!", a reference much before their time but apt nonetheless.

The future looked bright for Yvette, Yvonne and Frank (who had since married). During the Great War they managed to avoid conscription by claiming they were working in a vital industry. When that didn't work, they offered to send a shipment of their new scissors to Germany. Infuriated at their inability to make paper chain dolls ever again, the Reich was forced to surrender under the Allied advance of beautifully-produced decorations. Safetyscis, inc. were hailed as heroes and paid enough spoils of war that it didn't matter that they didn't sell any more scissors until 1993, when somebody realized that they were perfect for keeping small children occupied for hours on end.

[edit] The Dark Side of Safety Scissors

Safety scissors were founded on a noble ideal, that of never cutting again. But in certain circles, these beautiful instruments of futility have been abused for numerous nefarious pleasures. The coloured plastic which they are made from produces a powerful, addictive high when ground up and sniffed from the back of the hand or neck, and it is common now for safety scissor dealers, known as "Blunts", to be found in nightclubs or in dark alleys in the middle of the night.^[5] This may have caused recent price rises in the safety scissor market, as demand increases and supply decreases thanks to the efforts of the police. Yvette, Yvonne and Francis would surely be turning in their graves, though.

Safety scissors have also been seen in use as part of evil Satanic rituals, in which followers prostrate themselves before the upright almost-tools and murmur psalms backwards. These, however, are generally left alone on the basis that maybe they provide an actual use for the scissors.

[edit] Criticisms of Safety Scissors

Safety scissors have always had a hard time. Their plastic nature has been criticized because the refining of crude oil needed to produce them contributes to the Greenhouse Effect. They are also non-recyclable, and can cause epileptic seizures if looked at for too long. They also don't look very good as jewellery. But we love them anyway.

Some even say that safety scissors are useless because they can't cut anything. But that's just silly. Thus, emo children are not fond of safety scissors.

In conclusion, it's just a matter of perseverance. You're clearly not holding them the right way round. Look, try using your other hand. See, you've gone and torn the paper now. What a silly billy.

[edit] Footnotes

^ But not along the fold. That would be silly.

^  But to be fair, they were remarkably safe.

^ And French to boot.

^ The French are blunt, but not in the way that the grandchildren wanted.

^ Not that we've been looking for them, you understand. This is purely third-party knowledge.