Sailor Moon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight, never running from a real fight, she is the one named Oscar Wilde!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sailor Moon

“She's hot!”

~ Storm Laycock on Sailor Moon

This is NOT Sailor Moon, contrary to all known information on Sailor Moon

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sailor Moon.

Sailor Moon (ブッカケビックリ) is a very popular member of the Command and Conquer-series among strange alien-creatures known as Humans. The series was created by Dave Duncan on March 7, 1992. It tells about the Emperor of Galactic Republic, Luke Skywalker's daughter Serenity (Who will go down in legend in a Josh Whedon series) and her wild Magic: The Gathering games which contain summoning Fire Spirits and Ur-Quan -creatures trying to figure out the ending to Neon Genesis Evangelion. Currently, they have all failed in figuring out why 42 roads lead to the meaning of life.

The actual show involves different females who are named for the various astronomical bodies in our solar system. 12 women are named for the planets, while the other 2 million are named after every comet, asteroid, and moon. Each Sailor is named after said planetary body. For example: Sailor Moon (the Moon), Sailor Mercury (Mercury), and Sailor GX-42356 (after the newly discovered Moon orbiting Earth). Their mission is simple: defeat Nazis, Myotismon, the Brotherhood of Nod, the Emperor, OZ, Zeon, William Howard Taft, Bill Gates, Uncyclopedia, Hackers, Vandals, Zod, 4Kids, Grues, the Byzantine Empire, and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Currently, all live in the Juban district in New York. Once employed by the Japanese government under the Magical Girl program, they were discharged for displaying Power Ranger-like behavior such as wearing color-coded variants on the same costume. They have been classified as a gang and are considered highly dangerous. They are also known to have breasts as big as Jupiter. I'm not kidding.

It has been estimated that roughly 10 million cubic-centimeters of jizz have been spilled as a direct result of Sailor Moon since its premiere in 1992.

[edit] Sailor Moon Episode Guide

Seeing as all the episodes, or at least all the ones people are willing to watch are all the same, this will pretty much sum up most of it. In each episode, the Rabbit bitch cries about something. Out of nowhere, a monster thing appears, and tries to destroy pretty much everything. The Rabbit bitches some more, then the talking cat tells her to transform. She goes through a transformation sequence, which leaves her vulnerable for about a minute, but due to no one caring and poor AI, the monsters don't bother to attack. Then the monster slams around its tentacles (all Japanese monsters need tentacles) and out of nowhere Tuxedo Mask appears and throws a rose. Sailor Moon throws her tiara and yells "Hot Lesbian Action" and destroys the monster in one hit. End Episode. Oh yeah, and maybe some of the other sailor senshi show up, but we all know that they're totally useless.

[edit] The Sailor Scouts

Sailor Moon during the time period that she was on steroids

• Sailor Peter Gabriel – Sailor Peter Gabriel is the lord of all sailors, and is extremely good-looking. He is 36, and he is the secret lover of Sailor Uranus! (He screams loud when they come, and I mean LOUD. Whoo!) He is known to play in Genesis as their lead singer and flatulence from time to time. Also, at the end of every episode of every Sailor Moon series, (the anime, not in the manga), he leads the other girls in a rousing rendition of "Red Rain", the song off of his 1986 album So, or "The Carpet Crawlers", a song by his band Genesis, but the song depends on the episode or movie.
• Sailor Ellen – Sailor Ellen is Ellen Degeneres's alter ego who dances really badly. You've never heard of her, but oh does she exist. She is the unknown 3rd hobbit in the series, if you don't count Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon and Sailor Teeny-Teeny Weeny. Ellen is from the uncharted planet Sedna.
• Sally Moon – Is some lady living in Detroit. World-renowned for her super teeny weeny mini-skirt.
• Sailor Sun (ブッカケオナニー) – She is the invisible force used as a plot device that protects Sailor Moon. She orbits around Sailor Moon's head and screams "Hey! Listen!" whenever Sailor Moon takes a friggin' step. Whenever Sailor Moon is about to die, Sailor Sun uses her power to give her a new weapon. She is never heard, referenced, or even mentioned anywhere, but she has to exist. How would anyone else explain how a loser like Sailor Moon could survive every battle? Other than incompetent bad guys that is.
• Sailor lesbian Moon (ブッカケビックリ) – The loudest, whiniest, and laziest girl in the entire multiverse (and let me tell you, being louder and whinier than the entirety of the female gender is no easy feat!). She cries and turns into a cat when she has her period, cries when her grades are poor, and cries when the Pokemon date her offices. Her grades in school are far, far, below failing. In fact, they are so low, whenever she takes a test, at least five people sitting around her also fail just by being close to her. And she is destined to save Earth from the Machines. Her special power is throwing Frisbees. She also had a special pen that allowed her to change into the form of another, but it was taken away after she kept transforming into Drew Carry. She thought it would please Darien, but seeing as how he's a Wayne Brady fan, it didn't work.
• Sailor Mercury – Smartest person in the universe. She is the first human who knew that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father. Surprising eh? Inexplicably has the power of water and ice, even though her namesake planet is a desiccated ball of scalding rock (her attack is frikin useless, by the way). She is a hacker with l33t skillz, and can beat anyone in the Spring Olympics. Once had her own show on The Discovery Channel.
• Sailor Venus (ブッカケエントリー) – Sailor Moon's clone. Created by the government to create a super sailor. Can be seen in the Metal Gear games as the main protagonist. Is also famous for messing up quotes, like saying "Give me some sugar, baby" when she meant to say "Hi, how are you?". She has had sexual contact with everyone in this show and Metal Gear Solid, as she is from the planet Venus de Milo.
• Sailor V for Vendetta (ブッカケブッシュ) – British Sailor Scout wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, going around burning Pokemon cards for no reason whatsoever.
• Sailor Mars – A pyromaniac who likes to burn everything. She used to work in a paper factory, but after it burned down mysteriously, she lost her job. She currently lives with her perverted grandfather and that is beyond creepy.
• Sailor Jupiter – Strong, tall girl with a lot of "talent". And of course when we say "talent" we mean "boobs," and when we say "boobs" we mean "knockers," and when we say "knockers" we of course mean "boobs". Despite being the physically strongest one, she's near useless because she's always the first one to get knocked out. She had auditioned for the role of "Sabrina" in Charlie's Angels, but lost out to Kate Jackson... you know, the "smart" one. In the early episodes, she was a tomboy punk with eyes of steel... to later on become a gardener, opening up even MORE opportunities to make colorful metaphors about flowers.
• Sailor Librarian – The only Sailor Scout unable to fit into the slutty uniform due to an extra five tonnes of fat. Has a larger gut than Queen Beryl even after Queen Beryl turned into a giant skunk. Has been known to use her famous "gut buster" finishing move to flatten enemies "steam roller style". Was the only Sailor Scout to ally herself with the forces of evil after she discovered that they had more books, and by "books" we mean "fat people food".
• Sailor Saturn – Has the ability to be possessed by a different demon everyday, still hang around long enough to be cleansed of evil by the other scouts, then die mysteriously. After the one-hundred-and-twenty-seventh time she reincarnated herself, she finally quit the show and searched for other roles. Last seen playing Samara from "The Ring." Sometimes known as the Boba Fett of Sailor Moon. Must be the armor... or fan stupidity.

it's kinda of like taking a temperature

• Popeye the Sailor Moon – Easily the least known of the entire Sailor Scouts, especially when he uses his performance enhancing drug known as "Spinach". He is so strong he was once seen pushing a locomotive backwards, and he was pushing it so fast his legs were represented as giant rings of fire. Add that to the fact that when he flexes his biceps you can see engines in them, and that is one tough sailor. (Using his "Spinach Crisis Power" can transform into Popeye the Sailor Moon)
• Sailor Dune – Whoever controls Sailor Dune, controls the spice melange. Whoever controls the spice, controls the Universe. Long live the fighters!
• Sailor Uranus – You make fun of her name, and she will hurt you. Looks like a young guy, but is really a girl. Lesbian lover of Sailor Neptune and sometimes the girl from the UTZ bag.
• Sailor Neptune – Like Mercury, only older and more into music and vaginas. Lesbian lover of Sailor Uranus. She is also Uranuse's cousin in the English dub, since they thought that this incetous add would spike up ratings.
• Sailor Pluto – Recently lost her license to be a planet senshi and got kicked out of the Sailor Soldiers because, if they let her in, they would also have to let in Sailor Ceres and Sailor Eris, and they didn't like them. Those two were total bitches, really, and they couldn't fight for you. But Sailor Moon didn't want to piss them off by saying "No! You guys can't join the group because we don't like you!", so she came up with some convoluted explanation involving their height and weight and whether their breasts were gravitationally bound into a sphere and as it turned out, they had to kick out Sailor Pluto too. She was quite pissed about it, and justifiably so.
  • Note: The writer of this article has apparently has never been born. It is assumed that Sailor Pluto's time gate may be involved. How this and the archivist's erasure from history is not entirely clear.
• Sailor Plutonian – A freaky alien who apparently looks like a green version of Sailor Pluto who apparently erased her from existence afterwards - wait, he/she/whatever is what could be considered as the malevolent time-gate that backfired. Ah.
• Sailor Planet – Sailor Planet was a mysterious new addition to the Sailor Soldiers, possessing the combined powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart. While she was a powerful addition to the team, after an attempted pantyshot, it was discovered that she was really just Captain Planet in a skirt. He was subsequently expunged and sued for the irreversible damage done to people's corneas. Planet was unavailable for comment.
• Sailor Planet No.2 – Really called Sailor Chiron, but Tomo gave her the nickname "planet". Everyone accepted it, except for Chiron, who thinks it's improper. Originally from Alpha Centauri, and has the ability to control mindworms. The mindworms can force people to watch reruns of Pokemon, causing people to go into seizures. Not related to the above Sailor Planet.
• Sailor Death Star – An armor-clad individual with the unfortunate habit of blowing up planets for no discernible reason and caused Sailor Alderaan to be out of the job. Due to her gravitational force, which was the same as several small space cruisers, people have a tendency to stick to her when she walks down the street. She says it's due to the magnetic propensity of her armor, but the other Sailors think otherwise. She was expunged from the Sailor Soldiers when it was discovered that she was not a moon, but was, in fact, a space station.
• Sailor Gethen – kicked out of the Sailor Senshi when she underwent kemmer and became a male due to the pheremonal influence of Sailor Jupiter. It was all a shifgrethor-related misunderstanding, though. Sailor Gethen's powers are all glacier-related, and instead of a transforming pen she has a Chabe stove.
• Sailor Io – One of the many babies who chase Sailor Jupiter around on the theory that those presumably contain lots and lots of milk.
• Sailoooooooooooor Crow - That's one o.
• Sailor Trantor – An oddly named Sailor from the future. Her home, Trantor, is a city that covers a whole planet. She constantly argues with Sailor Coruscant as who is the better planet.
• Sailor Bernie – Originally an American Marine, he joined the "Sailor Soldiers" after discovering that he really enjoyed wearing short skirts in public.
• Leeroy Jenkins – The only Sailor Scout with a beard. Has a bad habit of getting the other scouts into some serious trouble, even when the other scouts have a plan.

Moon, but no sailor

• Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon – The illegitimate daughter of Sailor Moon and Invader Zim, Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon is really the strongest character evar and ends up saving everyone's asses at least 30 times in the entire series. She'll blow your ass up with razzle-dazzle pink fireworks. She is also Sailor Moon's archnemesis; the two are particularly at odds during the fourth season, in which Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon's evil antics have more screentime than Sailor Moon herself. Also known as Edward Elric.
• Sailor Teeny-Teeny Weeny – Sailor Teeny-Teeny Weeny came from the future in the fifth season, to help Sailor Moon defeat the three-breasted Sailor Chaos.
• Sailor Teeny-Teeny-Teeny Weeny – A blood-sucking preemie that came from the year 100,000,000,000,000 to make sure this crap was never made.
• The Sailor Starlights – Are women who transform into men, or men who transform into women. It doesn't really matter though, because they look exactly the same in either form. Ranma from Ranma 1/2 and RuPaul are a long-lost members of the Starlights.
• Steve Vai – Steve Vai was the former guitarist of the Sailor Starlights' band. he was booted out because he was an awesome guitarist and the other band members couldn't deal with him being more popular then they were.
• Lars Ulrich – Former drummer member of the Sailor Starlights' band. Booted out because of his borderline homophobic views towards the Starlights being cross-dressing women/men/whatever. Nevertheless, Ulrich later joined the successful metal band, Metallica.
• Sailor Tinky-Winky – Never actually made it into the show but the BBC were very quick to put it in their show known as the Teletubbies, which is notorious for being for even more sugary sweet than Sailor Moon.
• Sailor Otaku – Was gifted with the amazing power to copy the costumes, hairstyles, moves, quotes, and cheap ripoffs of each of weapons of the sailor scouts. There seem to be thousands of this scout. The other scouts find them annoying.
• Sailor Nova – Also known as the Emo Scout, she has the power to poke at the pink squishy thing in people's skulls with her big ass spear and make them depressed, or dead, whichever comes first. She sacrificed herself in order to save Sailor Saturn, stupidly forgetting the fact that Saturn would just come back later. She later realized this and became an evil PMSing bitch, her slutty little uniform becoming torn and bloody in places. She is now bent on destroying the Sailor Scouts and Oscar Wilde because she is too obsessive to let things go. Later on, she finishes PMSing and sexed Sailor Saturn to make up for her naughtiness. (It is currently unconfirmed what sort of punishment Sailor Saturn inflicted on her in the process, but people assure us, it was kinky.) She is still currently having problems getting over herself.
• Sailor Baboon – The secret identity of some baboon that lives in the Central Park Zoo. Her powers include the ability to rip people's faces off at lightning speed, screechs that can cause people's ears to explode, and a Star Wand that can shoot banana peels. She is known to be very crazy, but she can become crazy and extremely vicious if someone raspberries at her. Her hobbies include picking dead skin off of her brother's back and eating it, climbing trees, and dropping coconuts on children's heads. She was also the one who responsible for the death of Sailor Virgin.
• Sailor Naraku – Not to be confused with Sailor Baboon. No one is quite sure of Sailor Naraku's gender, but he/she/it has the power of asexual reproduction.
• Sailor Vegeta – Vegeta after he "fuses" with Sailor Urauns. Distrubing...
• Sailor Gallifrey – A timelord sailor scout capable of surviving 12 fatal wounds. Often made fun of by her comrades by killing her and watching her regenerate.
• Sailor Grayson – A Sailor Scout of the planet Grayson, colonized by Space Mormons. Here, women are expected to walk barefeet and work in the kitchen, and could not vote. It was until Honor Harrington showed up and proved WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR that Sailor Grayson became a full-time Sailor Scout instead of dishwasher. Like all Graysons, Sailor loves Baseball, and loves to fight with a Katana. Which probably makes her not too different from any other of the Sailor Scouts.
• Sailor Halo – Former Sailor Scout of a artificial ring-like structure that was blown up by Master Chief. Like any other hero of her time, she wears a Cool Power Armour. Has since went freelance, going under her true name of Samus Aran.
• Sailor Alexander Raven – A very angry and manic smoking Gothic skirt wearing vampire from Romania. He likes to spend lots and lots of money on cars and castles, and never wanting to talk to Haji when Haji comes to vist. Even! Though Haji loves Alex like an older brother, Alex refuses to show him love because of Haji's slutty boyfriend Hayahshi, who term for sex is camping. Alex and Hayashi are always fighting, and in the middle of no where Rose pops up and starts a death battle with Alex, and after she dissapress Alex goes through 12 packs of cigarettes.
• Sailor Holy Terra – FOR THE EMPEROR!
• Sailor We-Made-It! – Another Sailor Scout from the future, in which her ancestors were the survivors of a crashed colony ship. Maybe they shouldn't have Sailor Moon pilot the ship.
• Sailor Maury Povich– He only appeared for one minute, but he killed himself off before ever saying a line.
• Sailor Tony La Russa– Good friend of the show's creator. He appeared in this series, occasionally yelling at Sailor Mercury about random issues. He was fired from the show because of apparently having a grudge against one of the Sailors. Who was it? Insert random excuse here.

[edit] Other good guys

• Tuxedo Mask – An escaped insane asylum patient, he goes around killing people using roses like darts. In the manga, however, he gets a shrubbery and uses bombs, presumably to make his fighting style marginally less homosexual. In every episode, he shows up at a convenient time to remind Sailor Moon that she has a magical attack that never ever misses and always kills every enemy in one hit. Then he leaves and bashes his head against a wall, to relieve the frustration that comes from dealing with someone so unbelievably stupid on a daily basis. In the manga, the Sailor scouts found out that Tuxedo mask was an emo and was trying to rape Sailor Mercury and she said, "Just a bit more in... aahh... oohh now my breasts."
• Aleister Crowley – The team's mentor after the three cats are turned into sausage in the third season of the anime (or fifth storyline in the manga). He teaches the senshi various sex magick techniques, and starts sleeping with Usagi after he utterly kicks Tuxedo Mask's pansy ass in a bar fight.
• Luna – A cat. A talking cat. A talking, female cat who is the ruler of the known universe. Refuses to return Garfield's phone calls. She can also take on the form of a plushie, a grown-up female human, a human girl with cat ears and a giant purple squid. Has the ability to create magical objects from her ass.
• Artemis – A "male" cat who is destined to marry Luna, and have a kid who goes back in time to save her parents from the T-800. Later saves Earth by convincing Randy Quaid to ram his Jet into an alien glacier his brother Denis released.
• Diana – Luna and Artemis's future kitten, a cat who can talk, but apparently can't decide if she's purple or grey. She is one of the most pointless characters in the series, but people like her anyway because the only people who watch this show still have not had their first tampon yet.
• Nameless Pink Cat - Yes, her name is really "Nameless Pink Cat". Don't ask what her parents were smoking. She appears in a seriously wacked manga sidestory.
• Ng Man-Tat– No one knows how he's been involved in all of this.
• Dave Duncan– He created this series, so why not mention this? If nobody did, then nobody cares.

[edit] Reception

Huh-huh-huh, she's got big boobs. Heh-heh-heh. Yeah. Heh-heh-heh. And that other chick likes to set things on fire. Huh-huh-huh. This show rules.

Sailor moon has been linked with an increase of keyboard sales since 1995 due to an increase in teenage boys fapping by the computer. Thank you hentai pr0n!