Saint Patrick
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“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking island.”
~ Saint Patrick
“Are ye alright in the back there lads?”
~ Saint Patrick on driving the snakes out of Ireland
“No thank you, I'd rather have Jebus.”
“In Soviet Russia, Saint Patrick use you as a gratuitous drinking holiday!!”
St. Patrick, patron saint of Alcohol, was the first Catholic alien. After hearing about a peaceful new religion sproutingup on Earth, he left his war-mongering planet in search of enlightenment. Unfortunately, a miscalculation caused him to land in Ireland, the scummiest of all "-relands". This miscalculation also forced him to drop his collection of meesetians(Mostly in Maine and Rwanda). Deciding to use lemons to make lemonade and convert the winos, or to be more accurate, whiskos.
It soon turned out that Christianity offered what Buddhism could not, such as definite answers.
His first day after converting consisted of drinking all the sacramental wine in the church's cellar, and then pissing all over Ireland. Literally. Somehow this caused all the snakes living in Ireland at the time to swim into the ocean. Apparently, alien piss is a reptile repellent.
The next day, he discovered beer, and within a few hours came up with the idea that God was in fact three people, pretending to be just one person. While this made perfect sense while staring down through the bottom of a bottle, St. Patrick commented the next morning "What the fuck was I drinking?"
People choose to honour him on March 17 by wearing green clothing to imitate his green alien skin, and drink copious amounts of alcohol in order to come up with more brilliant theories on the nature of Good. St Patrick requested that all the town drunks gathered and met in Ireland and they did, but never left.
In 1999 he was commissioned by Guinness to promote their new drink aimed at the younger market, known as Funky-Guinness.
Saint Patrick is also credited with driving all the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that for centuries, the Norwegians were going to Ireland, to escape the bitter Norwegian winters. At first, they weren't a problem, but eventually there were so many of them that they were eating all the fish the Irish could catch, and using up so many potatoes to make lefse, that they caused a rather well-known famine. So the Irish formed a secret society, called IRATION: the Irish Republican Army To rid Ireland Of Norwegians. First, they tried cutting off all the power to the Norwegian homes, so the fish in the Norwegian refrigerators would spoil. That accomplished precisely nothing; Norwegians thrive on rotten fish. So then they tried sprinkling the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegians. That didn't accomplish anything, either; all the Irish did was make the Norwegian delicacy, lutefisk. So finally, St. Patrick rose from the dead, and told all the Norwegians to GO TO HELL! And that is why there are Norwegians in North Dakota.
It is well-known that St Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland. Less publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears and Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, and gays, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the early Irish Christians.
