Saint Valentine
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Saint Valentine is the patron saint of overpriced greeting cards.
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[edit] Official Origins
The legend of Saint Valentine begins in Scotland. Or was it Ireland? Anyway, Saint Valentine played his flute and all the little children followed him, and for that reason, every February we give each other overpriced greeting cards.
[edit] Real Origins
In reality the "legend" of Saint Valentine was the invention of Fred and Ethel Hallmark, who were looking for a shortcut to India. Or was that the Pilgrims? Anyway, as the Niña, the Piñto, the Moñte Carlo and the Piña Colada were sailing to India, they encountered a storm.
As Pilgrims prayed to Saint Valentine, the weather cleared and they found land. All except the pilgrims on the Piña Colada, who did not pray to Saint Valentine and so fell off the edge of the earth.
[edit] The Story Continues
As they found dry land, the Hallmarks decided that they needed a new way to make money off the Casino Owning Americans Indians. Things being what they were, they decided to cut down trees to make houses, boats, wood, fiber, and carbohydrates. Soon they were fat and happy, especially when the Indians introduced them to peyote.
However, all was not well in India. Cricket was soon discovered and stained the hearts of Peyote-happy men all around. Soon, they were resorting to violence, farming, and pirated DVDs. After a year, they were forced to flee to the nearby country of CHINA, where they stained the chinese with their crimes.
Thus, the story of the similarity between indians and chinese was told. And yes, i am a racist son of a bitch
They dedicated the cards to Saint Valentine, because nobody sends overpriced cards on Labor Day (although Fred and Ethel really wish you would).
