Sal Fasano

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sal Fasano.

“It's ticklish yet still smooth as silk. It's as if God Himself reached down and planted it on him.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sal Fasano's mustache

“WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING MUSTACHE ON THAT MOTHERFUCKING SPECIMEN!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Sal Fasano's mustache

“Thats no moon, thats a mustache.”

~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on Sal Fasano's mustache

“Sally is number 1 in my book...number 13 on the field...but 1 in my book.”

~ Macky

The epitome of manliness.

Sal Fasano in later years.

His Royal Highness, the Grand Duke of Northwest Uzbekistan, Sir Salvatore Frank Fasano XIV Jr., PhD, Esquire, also known as The Italian Stallion, The Great Dago, The Walloping Wop, and "Holy shit, what's that growing on his face?!" was born in 1971 to mother Bob Ross and father Wilford Brimley and third conceiving party Sasquatch and is a catcher for several Major League Baseball clubs. He currently plays for the Indiana Hookers, earning the MLB minimum of $326,000 for him and $20 million for his mustache.

Fasano is widely regarded to be the greatest baseball player in history. In 2006, while playing for the Philadelphia Paedophiles, New York Yankees, New York Giants, New York Knights, Baltimore Orioles, Oakland Athletics, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Colorado Rockies, Orix Blue Wave, Yakult Swallows, Kansas City Royals, Omaha Royals, Iowa Cubs, Iowa Hawkeyes, Iowa State Cyclones, Texas A&M Aggies, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, The Mighty Ducks, Chicago Bulls, the Puka Puka tribe in "Survivor: Cook Islands," and Dave's Auto Body Slow-Pitch Softball Team, Sal Fasano had 97 home runs, 234 RBI, 55 stolen bases, and seven panty shots, and also became the first player ever to score a touchdown and have a triple-double at the same time in a single baseball game.

As a catcher, he threw out 86 of 72 potential baserunners in 2006, once throwing out a baserunner while huffing a kitten. He was invited to his 22nd All-Star appearance, but declined because his mustache had other obligations.

Fasano struck out in his only major-league at-bat in 2002. Upon being called out on strikes, an enraged Fasano cracked open the home plate umpire's chest cavity with his bat and ripped his still-beating heart out. He then gave the heart to an eight-year-old girl who needed a heart transplant. The girl, appreciative of Sal's gift, had it bronzed and kept it on her mantel until she died a week later.

[edit] The Fourth Mustache of Legend

There is also a prophecy that the Islamic messianic figure, the Mahdi, shall be opposed by nine mustaches when he returns. It is generally agreed by scholars that Sal Fasano demonstrably and uniquely fits the description of the Fourth Mustache, "The Black Mustache".

[edit] Potential addition to Mount Rushmore

There is considerable debate right now as to whether or not Fasano's likeness should be added to Mount Rushmore. The debate is not over whether or not he should be honored, but rather how his orgasmically awesome mustache could accurately be replicated on the monument.

People who visit Mount Rushmore and your local McDonald's are asked to vote on this topic. So far, an overwhelming majority has voted that not only should Sal be added, but the whole mountain should be renamed Mount Fasano.

[edit] Trivia

Sal Fasano shits bricks of gold, as well volcanic dust.

Sal Fasano's mustache has the ability to make women orgasm simply by looking at it.

When born, Sal Fasano came out mustache-first.

When Fred Phelps heard that Sal Fasano was gay, Phelps reconsidered his position. Phelps still doesn't realize that Fasano isn't gay.

Sal Fasano once huffed a mountain lion. His mustache serves as a filtration system which adds to the huffing experience.

Sal Fasano's penis is the same length, width, density, and material as a regulation baseball bat. He chooses not to use it as a bat because he doesn't want to have too much of an advantage over other ballplayers.