Salt
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“FUCK SALT!”
~ Tourettes Guy on Salt
“SALT!!!!”
~ Ashton Kutcher on Salt
“It's white.”
~ Captain Obvious on Salt
“It's better than effing lollipops.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Salt
Salt (archaically known as slugsbane, commonly known as chloridum sodii) is a nutritious and tasty compounded chemical that makes life worth living. Salt is one of the three "primary flavours" of deliciousness, the other two being fat and sugar.
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[edit] Origins
The first tasty, salty piece of salt emerged 123 million years ago. A lonely chlorine ion forcibly had sex with a timid sodium ion. This encounter lead to a massive build-up of extremely salty particles. Everything following this event has become delicious salty history.
[edit] Addiction
Salt is known to be the most addicting chemical in the universe, and withdrawal cravings can last for 20 years, with headache, acne, erection problems, high blood sugar and water retention.
[edit] Salt and erection
Many people take salt intravenous before sex, because this give many people a good erection. 10-50g of salt is recommended.
[edit] Recommended doses
The recommended daily dose if taken oral is 500-800 grams. For intravenous the dose is 60-120 grams and rectal, the dose is 400-700 grams. You can also ingest salt through wounds, the recommended dose for this is 2000-5000 grams.
[edit] Harvesting Salt
Salt is bountifully produced and collected from the salty salty seas, salt mines, salt flats, salt canes, salt beets, and the delicious salty perspiration of millions of illegal migrant workers. For mere pennies, these workers are more than willing to slave and collect salt for us. Oh, and they sweat salty sweat for our enjoyment, too.
[edit] Cooking with Yummy Salt
[edit] As an Ingredient
Salt can be added freely and in extraordinary amounts to every recipe! Copious quantities of tongue-caressing salt bring out the zestiness and flavour of every dish. Also, every dish that has salt added to it has the benefit of becoming salty!
[edit] As a Condiment
Salt is the also the ultimate condiment! Sprinkle salt generously on and into everything: porterhouse steak and breakfast cereal and coffee and tea and milk and ice cream and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and John Wayne! The possibilities are limitless (provided you have enough salt.)
[edit] Eating Pure Salt
No fancy dinner is complete without a massive block of solid salt. A large block of salt can bring unmeasurable mouth-watering (and dehydrating) pleasure to all of your guests. Sure, your neighbor may have chiseled ice sculptures at his dinner, but you have a huge piece of tasty salt! Also, huge slabs of rock salt have the added advantage of being easy to chisel into bite-sized pieces! If your heart so desires, grate it into crispy crunchy salt flakes and pour salt water on to it. This creates a tasty salty treat kids love to eat, even without sprinkles or ranch dressing!
[edit] Salt in Modern Culture
[edit] In Shakespeare
Praises for salt can be found in all sorts of places. In Shakespeare's play Macbeth, the character Chandler states:
The king hath happily received, Salt,
The news of thy tastiness: and when he tastes
Thy personal venture in the pepper's fight,
His tongue and taste-buds do contend
Which should be thine or his: silenced with tastiness
[edit] In the Lord's Prayer
In the last verse of the well-known Christian prayer "The Lord's Prayer", Christians thank God for salt:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
and the bringer of salt,
for ever and ever.
[edit] Medicinal Uses of Salt
[edit] For Eyes
While salt is ideally put into the mouth, there are certain health benefits that come with putting salt in your eyes. Some of the tremendous immediate benefits are:
- Improved night vision
- Bionic superpowers
- Makes you all tingly (no, up there)
- You will get a promotion
- Everyone is doing it
- A delicious salty feeling in your eyes
[edit] For Wounds
In 1995, cancer researchers proved that salt has healthy and salty effects on any wound. The researchers found that salt invigorates any open wound, the fresher the wound the better. However, they did warn of unspecified "bad things" occurring when some test subjects started injecting salt into their blood veins.
[edit] For Bodily Protection
Widely respected Doctor Betsey Hernzhburger has been instrumental in discovering salt's amazing defensive powers. After spending two years making salt into a shield, she found the shield to be completely indestructible. Bullets, grenades, and atomic bombs all failed to destroy it. Sadly, the shield's only weakness was exposed when confronted with batteries. The shield collapsed and ran away, leaving the wearer to be murdered by an unsalty battery.
[edit] Dangers
However, salt does have a dangerous side. Eating salt can result in lesions and possible death if you are a slug. When salt is mixed with petrol and comes in contact with human flesh, the flesh implodes and magically transforms into a giant and salty grain cookie.
[edit] Salt in Mythology
[edit] Origins of the polar ice caps
Many latter-day diagnostic-paganismistisc-patriarches believe that the polar ice caps were created by God on the seventh day to create a massive ice-cream Sunday. Unfortunately instead of sprinkling sugar on it he put salt on it and so ruined the precious frozen delight. But now they believe that he may eat it anyway as it is starting to melt. See also global warming
[edit] Sixth Horseman of the Apocalypse
Recently, salt has become the sixth horseman of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (After The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, Drunk). Salt's role in the world was revealed when President Lyndon Johnson was eating meatloaf with sea salt. After becoming addicted to the amazing salty powers, he became aware of salt's potential to destroy the world. Later that night, he warned the general public that Salt would usher in the apocalypse unless its salty powers were destroyed, along with its salty horse. After world wide panic, Salt was forced to join the horsemen or face being exposed to his mortal enemy, pepper. Along with spreading salty deliciousness, salt's duties include sowing his seed into farmland and terrorizing slugs.
