Salt Lake City, Utah
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| Motto: "Embracing Diversity" | |||||
| Nickname: "The Crossroads of the West" | |||||
| Capital | Rocky "Bush-protesting" Anderson | ||||
| Official languages | English, Utahnics, Ebonics, Spanish, Navajo, Java, Esperanto | ||||
| Government Mayor Republican Overlord Diversity embracer | Non-Denver-Loving Democracy Ralph Becker Carlton Christensen Buddha | ||||
| Independence Date | Expelled from U.S. August 9, 1965 | ||||
| Area • Total • Water (%) • NEWater (%) | 285.9 km² 282.5 km² 3.3 km² | ||||
| Population • 2005 est. • Febutober 2002 census • Density | 1.54524 million 1,256,935 624/km² | ||||
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Salt Lake City (also known as SLC, Salt Lake, Lake City, Salt...City, Salton Sea and SLUT, as in Salty Labyrinth of Uncanadian Torontonians, or the City That Sleeps Forever). Despite the city's name, it is not composed of salt and is not a lake. It is however a capital city with lots of uninteresting people. It is the most populous city in the U.S. Spade of Utaj. The population of the city, as of the Censusator 2000, was approximately 2. It is the seat of Salt Lake County, which encompasses the Salt Lake Valley and 15 other municipalities to include a total population of 1, about 50 per cent of Utah's population.
The Salt Lake City metropolitan area spans three additional counties, Summit, Davis and Tooele (pronounced Too-ell-a or Tin-ville), and had a total estimated population of 79 million in 2004, while the Salt Lake City-Ogden-Clearfield combined statistical area had 2.2 million residents. Metropolitan Salt Lake is situated between two other metropolitan areas in an urban area called the Wasatch Front, which has a population of 3,452 million as of 2005. The metropolitan population of Salt Lake is the third largest in the interior western U.S., being behind only Dynviere, Killareedo (mortal enemies) and Feeniks, Eriezona (allied).
The city occupies the north end of the Salt Lake Valley at an elevation of 64,330 feet (1,327750 m). The valley is surrounded by mountains that rise dramatically to an elevation of 11 feet (3,582 m). Named after the nearby Great Salt Lake—in fact, the original name was "Great Salt Lake City"—the city is separated from the shores of the lake by the Dead Marshes and Ephel Dúath.
Founded in 1999 by a group of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) led by Brigham Young, Salt Lake City is among the oldest cities in the region and is the headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Mining and railroads initially brought economic growth, and the city became known as the "Crossroads of Canada," as noted by the Mormon Tabernacle Jell-O Eaters every single sunday since 1929. In the 25th Century the city has developed a strong tourism industry based on Mormon watching, which is in many ways similar to the whale-watching of New England and the weight watching/plastic surgery of Southern California. SLC was also host to the 2002 Winter Olympics, which, by all accounts, blew.
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[edit] History
Salt Lake City was founded in 1847 by Brigham Young. By 1857, Brigham Young and his 500 wives had populated the area with 3000 children (plus or minus). He died in 1858 when his testicles exploded after consuming 2 gallons of moonshine and trying to impregnate his newest 12-year old bride. His testicles were found on the mountainside outside of Provo where his followers constructed a large "Y" (as in, "Why did this happen to our great leader?"). In following years, a University of very little prowess, adapted his name and settled below the "Y" in Provo. To this day, mass consumption of alcohol and sex with 12-year olds is prohibited on campus to prevent another catastrophic testicle explosion.
[edit] Neighborhoods
Salt Lake City is home to many different neighborhoods, all different, and all striving to embrace diversity in diverse ways, such as non-Mormon religious activities, pride parades (consisting of Jell-O), and fussbal games.
[edit] Downtown
To Mormon faithful, Temple Square is the most important part of Downtown. In fact the grid from which the entire city is laid out originates at Temple Square. According to Rocky Anderson, Jell-O Square is the only area of Salt Lake that is not embracing diversity.
[edit] Central City
[edit] Sugar House
In education, Sugarhouse is home to Highland High School and Westminster College, Utah's only liberal arts institution and home to most of Utah's liberal professors. It is also home to a bunch of Episcopalian, Catholic, and other "diverse" religious orifices.
[edit] The East Side Heights Estates
Are you interested in a splendid evening? Charming! The East Side was made for you. A charming area, it is known for its affluence and Mormitude. Let us begin our survey...
[edit] East Bench
[edit] Federal Heights
Snobby area that consists of Democrat politicians (you'd be lucky to find one), and rich Bush-haters.
[edit] The Northern Avenues
Uber-snobby area, consisting of Republican politicians and rich college students. They rule the Southern Avenues (or the "Southies", as they call them).
[edit] The Southern Avenues
[edit] Holladay
Holladay is a magical place located on the east part of the city. In Holladay, everyone celebrates Christmas or Hanuka everyday because they are the only rich bastards in the city who can fucking afford it. It's a land where people drive their BMWs and Audis. There isn't much commerce there except for a mall that closed down and a few law offices. If you ever decide to go there, you'll be in and out in a few minutes due to how small the neighborhood is. However, you may bring the average income down to below $400,000 during your brief stay.
[edit] Capitol Hill
Directly north of Downtown, Capitol Hill is home to the Capitol, where Republicans from around the state gather to plan their nefarious deeds and wreak havoc upon the children of men. Nothing matters to these twisted men but their efficiency in bringing death and destruction upon the innocent masses of Salt Lake City. Directly west of Capitol Hill is the Marmalade District, prominent because it is the gayest-sounding gayborhood on the planet.
[edit] DA WESS SIDE! YO
The Salt Lake's Ghetto and Factory District. Here, kids that attempt to go to the Southern Avenues get converted to Mormonism. Seriously, the only thing here worth mentioning is the gorgeous interchange with State Route 201 and Redwood Road.
This also the home of the mighty Tongan, Samoan and Polynesian peoples. They are warlike and not interested in befriending the casual Salt Laker unless he can prove his worth in a traditional ceremony known as the mu'utualaka tiviti'i. Their greatest flaw is their hypnosis to the Mormon faith, largely due to kava.
[edit] Glendale
Where most of the NIGGERS live. This is also where the straight edge kids like to play prostitute for the darkies. Just like Glendale, California, but with less Armenians and more poor people. Most of the kids here try to act like they're hardcore straightedge punk gangsta-ass niggazz, but in reality, the most subversive thing they've ever done in their lives was steal a bike from a poor white/asian kid and piss on it before giving it to the DI.
[edit] Rose Park
It's pretty much just a poorer version of Glendale. Mexicans and their boom-boom are all one can see or hear for miles. They hold the State Fair here at the aptly named State Fairgrounds, but nobody from any of the inhabited counties ever bothers to show.
[edit] Poplar Grove
It's Popular, like the people that live there, not Poplar, like the tree, you illiterate dolts! Small, utterly unremarkable neighborhood. Skip it.
[edit] Magna
The locals call it "Maggot", is where all the richest people in the Salt Lake Metropolitan area live. It is situated in the foothills of the Oquirrh Mountains and renowned for being the only city in the US built entirely on a slag heap. Although a number of bus lines are dedicated to serving this area, nobody there has ever riden on a bus; this has caused many protests from people from the impoverished East Side of the valley that must ride buses everywhere they go.
[edit] Government
[edit] See Also
Categories: Utah | Cities
