Salvador Allende
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Salvador Allende (December 25, 1908 - December 26, 1808) was, according to CIA sources, the Communist dictator of Chile from 1970 until his death in 1973. He seized power in a democratic election that was ruled both free and fair, much to the dismay of the Free World. Once he seized power he proceeded to steal land from wealthy American corporations and distribute to his cronies, mostly poor landless peasants. Allende was a ruthless dictator, his people were forced to endure free healthcare and education. Free milk was forced on schoolchildren. According to American sources, the CIA was instrumental in liberating Chile from this socialist madman. Augusto Pinochet installed a much better regime, free of Marxist propaganda such as healthcare, education, and land and providing them with the murder, rape and privatisation they had always craved. At gunpoint.
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[edit] Early Life
Salvador Allende was born on Christmas Day 1908 to Fidel Castro and Alvaro Uribe in Valhalla. His parents divorced when Salvador was only 7 because of their radically different ideologies. Despite both being authoritarians, Fidel was a communist, while Alvaro was a capitalist and a strong proponent of neoliberal globalization. Allende abhorred the authoritarian beliefs of both of his parents, especially Alvaro's willingness to use deathsquads to suppress opposition. Allende did however, see some value in his father Fidel's socialistic views, Salvador just wanted to apply them in a more democratic way, he totally disagreed with his mother Alvaro's views and he would later become estranged from her. Allende did have a close relationship with his father Fidel. The first 7 years of Salvador's life were tumoltous to say the least. His father treated him well but he was constantly beaten by his mother Alvaro, especially when Fidel was away waging guerilla warfare and couldn't protect Salvador. This lead to Salvador's lifelong hatred of capitalism and imperialism. Finally Fidel had enough of Alvaro's treatment of their son and overthrew her in a coup e'tat. Alvaro was forced into exile and was never heard from again.
[edit] Young Adulthood
Allende attended Karl Marx University in Havana, Cuba where he received his Phd in socialism. Allende had always had an interest in politics when growing up and wanted to become the first socialist democratically elected in Latin America. His socialist views were further re-enforced during his travels through Latin America with friend and fellow socialist Che Guevara. Che and Allende travelled throughout Latin America on a Harley Davidson and during their travels witnessed the plight of the poor at the hand of capitalists. This motivated both Che and Salvador to become national leaders. Che chose the revolutionary path while Salvador chose the democratic one.
[edit] Ascension to Power
According to American sources, Allende was a fanatical ideologue who was hell bent on accomplishing what he set out to do. In 1970 he violently seized power and ruled over his population with an iron fist. He forced healthcare and education on the population as well as distributing land to his political supporters, mostly poor peasants. In 1973, the Chilean Liberation Forces under the direction of Richard Nixon and Augusto Pinochet hatched a scheme to liberate Chile from Allende's totalitarian socialist agenda. They finally succeeded and prevented Chile from becoming the next Cuba.
He took his own life when he realized he would be pushed of a plane into the pacific ocean and made salvador-juice. Unfortunatly, his shotgun failed and he had to manually remove his heart through his anus, which was very wide because off a recent meeting with Fidel Castro, in what has been described as The most imposible suicide act ever commited.
Once dead, Salvador Allendes body was used as food for Pinochets dogs. Unfortunatly the poor animals died from intoxication. It is theorized that the meat was too red for any organism to bare. The meat that survived is now currently used as prime matter for the coloration of first class chinese flags.
His heart was transplanted 30 years later into the body of the white house activistHugo Chavez.
[edit] 1973 Attacks
In what is popularly known as the 9/11 attacks in Chile, two hijacked jetliners commandeered by Anastasio Somoza and Fulgencio Batista crashed into the Presidential Palace, where Salvador Allende and his friends where playing twister. The leader of the army, Augusto Pinochet, for the good of the nation, kindly asked supporters of Allende to step of a flying plane. Over 3 people were killed in the attacks, including a passing bolivian turist, and it became the worst terrorist attack on (Latin) American soil since the Bay of Pigs.
[edit] See Also
- Alvaro Uribe
- Augusto Pinochet
- Che Guevara
- Chile
- Communism
- Fidel Castro
- Globalization
- Grand Theft Auto: Santiago 1973
- I Can't Believe It's Not Terrorism
- Latin America
- Neoliberalism
- Socialism
- United States of Tyranny and Dictators
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They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
