Salvation Army
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“Sure we have plans relating to world domination, who doesn't?”
~ Unnamed Council member when asked about future projections.
“It's the Salvation Army? Oh!, I always thought it was the Salivating Army. I guess that makes more sense.”
~ Oscar Wilde on a common misconception.
The Salvation Army is a quasi-military terrierist organization. Because of its terrierist background it is sometimes misheard to be a terrorist group but, in fact, they just enjoy taking small dogs for long, military-style marches and train up puppies to help its most secret work. It is not related to the Swiss Army. Formed in 1865, it is the largest western terrierist group currently functioning. The main purpose of the group - excepting the secret terrierist tendencies - is to execute various crusades.
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[edit] History
The Salvation Army was formed in 1865 by London terrierists William and Catherine Booth. At the time, the mission of the Army was undeveloped. Originally called "volunteer army," it was focused on more benign goals, such as helping people. Then in 1878, along with the change of name, the Salvation Army shifted its attention to more military related activities. It then appointed a General, and began stocking stores of weaponry.
The Army grew in power, and by 1907, it had 1,020 officers and 102,320 soldiers - plus an unrecorded number of puppies. In 1914 the Army finally became recognized an international power, as well as a palpable threat to world civilization when it began participating in WWI conflicts. This marks the time period in which the Salvation Army became completely active in international politics. It also had functioning bases in 72 countries.
The motto 'Blood and fire' then came about because wherever they went they left in there wake blood stained towns on fire. This is now said to be the blood of Christ and the fire of the Holy Spirit, but this is a cover up for the pools of blood and flameing kittens (due to mauling by dogs) that line there path of destrution and world dommination.
In 1925, the Army formed a special operations corps in Germany known as the Schweinhundstaffel, or SS. It also began funding several other terrierist countries and organizations. It has since been accused of engineering the war for it's own desired outcome. It had then grown to encompass 89 countries.
In 1945, the Army once again shifted gears and began focusing on the middle east. In a series of crusades, the Army attacked several countries in the name of various American and European countries. The eventual outcome was the terrierist movement we see today. These lasted through the year 1965, when the Army appeared to minimize its activities. This period of hibernation extended to 1969, when it released it's new Crusading Policy. By this time, it was present in 92 countries and had approximately 5,000 officers and 300,000 soldiers.
From 1970 until the stock crash (2000), when the Army suffered a major loss of income, the Army continued its various crusades. After the year 2000, however, the Salvation Army lost between 9 and 10% of its income. Since then it has showed rapid expansion and over 130% increase in revenue. This has resulted in several changes in policy - dogs are soon to be replaced by hamsters to reduce storage and feeding costs - and the introduction of several additional Crusade plans, and the acquisition of many companies.
[edit] Crusading and Policy
In an attempt to control the crusading activity occurring under the Salvation banner, the Army has introduced a comprehensive Crusading Policy to guide young Officers. This policy was acquired only at the cost of many lives.
- All crusades must yield a profit.
- All crusades must be held in the name of the Army, unless otherwise specified.
- No crusade may be targeted against members of the Army.
- Crusaders must limit the number of crusades targeted against daycare centers and playgrounds.
The following is a list of current crusades:
- Operation Playground #598
- Operation Playground #599
- Operation Defenseless Middle Eastern Village #2654
- Operation Playground #600
- Operation Daycare #264
- Operation Playground #601
- Operation Daycare #265
- Secret Operation Barking bandsman #2272
- Operation Defenseless Middle Eastern Village #2655
- Operation Defenseless Middle Eastern Village #2656
- Operation Playground #602
[edit] Bases
Due to legal complications, most Salvation Army posts are semi-disguised as thrift stores. The primary function of these bases is to provide strategically located bases from which officers may conduct crusades. These bases also serve as storehouses for weapons, ammunition, dog-food and armored vehicles. The Salvation Army also has official headquarters, such as the Salvation Army International Headquarters, London. These function as administrative buildings. See photo, left.
The most secrete Army establishments are full fledged military operation areas. In addition to these military bases, there is the William Booth Memorial Training College, Denmark Hill, London, which serves as the Salvation Army boot camp. See photo, right.
[edit] Army
The Salvation Army is the largest military employer in the United States, as well as the UK and several other countries. It has 1,041,460 active soldiers, compared to the United State's army of 1,426,710. It currently employs 10,750 Santas, 20,456 officers, and 1,082,166 soldiers. Including the reserves, it is the largest army in the world, dwarfing the Indian Army's total of 3.7 million, the United Kingdom's 421,830, and most other countries. These numbers are verified from reputable sources, except for the Santas.
[edit] Structure
The Army is lead by the General, currently Shaw Clifton, and the High Council of The Salvation Army. The Crusades are lead by the officers, and executed by the soldiers. Revenue is collected by Santa. SAIC (Salvation Army Intelligence Corps) is a division of the Army focused on collecting and monitoring information about other political bodies. With in the SAIC, there is the Board of SAIC which controls the SAIC's various functions. Within the SAIC is also the Corps of Spies, who collect the information that the SAIC deals with, and the Corps of assassinations, which deals with politically tricky matters.
[edit] See also
[edit] Don't see also
- Wikipedia
