Van Halen
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“Gaaah! Too Loud!!”
~ Young people on Van Halen
“Gaaah! Too Loud!!”
~ Old people on Van Halen
“Dude check this shit out!”
~ God on the Creation of Eddie Van Halen
Van Halen feat. zynko(lord of the white russians) was a band of Nordic rebel warriors formed in 1974. Riding alligators through the deserts of Antartica and Tatooine, they fought for the freedom to compose midis of songs from movies that you had to watch in history class.
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[edit] History of the Van: Good Phase
Van Halen's career is divided by scholars in four stages. The first one is known as the Magera Phase, with their first singer David Lee Roth. David Lee Roth was put on the Earth by God himself to be the second greatest frontman of all time (Hitler was first). During this phase, band leader Eddie "Somewhere In Time" Van Halen was responsible for keeping an entire generation of guitar-hero-wannabes locked in their bedrooms wasting their youth trying to recreate what Eddie had recorded while drunk. David Lee Roth being a supernatural being would often Run With The Devil, and surprisingly he is a good running partner which prompted Dave to write the song. David Lee Roth has also been known to Jump, Eat them and Smile and go on frequent trips to Panama but Erupting however is solely confined to guitarist Eddie Van Halen.
[edit] Van Hagar
The second stage is known as the pop phase, featuring singer Sammy Faggar (father mother of the lead singer of a way worse band, Fall Out Boy. Sammy was also the winner of 'The 1904 Bette Midler Lookalike Award'). There is currently a $75,000 reward for any information leading to the arrest and/or execution of the bastard who replaced Diamond Dave.
[edit] Not Van Halen
The third stage is known as the bad phase or "Not Van Halen" and lasted approximately three minutes. The singer in this phase was the Jewish Jesse Jackson. Contrary to popular belief, the bad phase was actually the best period of the band, due mostly to Jackson's unintelligible lyrics -- a welcome departure from the previous singers' material, which made fans ashamed of owning the albums after reading the lyrics in the LP sleeve or CD booklet due to their sheer stupidity. Jesse was hated by critics and fans alike though, for being too much of an extremist and, especially, for taking the alcohol away from Eddie, who started sounding less like the Iron Maiden (RIP)mascot and more like -- some might say, almost as bad as -- Barbie (which can be evidenced by the vocals on "How Many Say I" ). Remember kids, alcohol is bad. Unless you play in a rock band.
[edit] Return of the King
The return of Eddie to a pathetic alcoholic state was hailed by fans as an indicative of a fourth stage in the band, but the Interpol has found out that this was just a sorry attempt by fanatic fan-club members to get their idol back in shape by mailing Jack Daniels bottles to his Los Angeles residence. Interpol announced they had these fans arrested and that the world is now safe from yet another Van Halen reunion, and then proceeded into a rendition of "C'Mere", from their latest album "Antics" (warning - NSFW link). Unfortunately, a second attempt to introduce alcohol back into Eddie's bloodstream was successful. Eddie Van Halen decided it was time to bring back Van Halen. This led to the controversial and widely-rejected 4th stage.
