Sammy Sosa

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“You are an asshole.”

~ Tony La Russa on Sammy Sosa, before he engaged in a fight in 1868

Sammy Sosa (born December 3–7, 1968) is a Major League Baseball player and the modern day equivalent of Martin Luther King: just as Martin Luther King achieved fame by leading the Memphis garbage strike, Sammy Sosa became famous for swinging at garbage out of the strike zone. He holds the single-season record for steroid consumption, and made history on July 23, 2003, when he became the first player ever ejected from a Major League Baseball game for injecting himself with cork and filling his bat with synthetic testosterone. He also became the first person ever to injure his back sneezing.

[edit] Early life

Sosa was born in the Dominican Republic, the twelfth son of an impoverished international secret agent. During breaks from working on his family's mud farm, he played baseball with the local kids, only they used sticks and stones instead of bats and balls. Too poor to afford anabolic steroids, they had to make do with cheap substitutes. And they had to walk 10 miles uphill in the snow to get to the field. Both ways. Once Sosa had saved up enough money for a down payment on an un-seaworthy raft, he set out across the Caribbean to America, accompanied only by a volleyball named Wilson and a shoelace coated in maple syrup that wouldn't shut up about global warming ruining yo-yo production in Canada.

[edit] Baseball

In America, he got a job working at a landfill, where Major League scouts discovered him hitting used diapers with planks of wood over trash piles, just like in that shitty Tony Danza movie. Soon he was promoted to the big leagues, breaking in with the Texas Rangers in 1989. Clearly marked for greatness, he was promptly traded away for two nonentities by team owner George W. Bush who even then was getting all of his advice directly from God.

[edit] Steroid Wars

In 1998, Sosa was poised to break the single season home run record. The heads of MLB did not want this prestigious white man record to fall to a black man. So they took the best white player at the time, Mark McGwire, and rebuilt him, replacing his blood with pure liquid steroid. Sosa, however, was able to score some SUPER EXTRA steroids, and he met the cork fairy who gave him a special cork bat. The next day in a baseball game, high on steroids, the evil umpire Tim McClelland discovered the cork bat, and Bud Selig suspended Sosa for 10 days. Sosa became enraged, went on a steroid-drinking spree, and got another suspension for ripping the heads off of four umpires and a ballboy .

[edit] Congressional Hearings

In 2005 the U.S. House of Representatives conducted an important series of hearings on the use of steroids in sports, and then passed a law ordering the all-white Boston Red Sox to win the World Series. They also fucked up Barry Bond's knees and increased the size of his forehead, so that it looked like he was using steroids. They planted cork in Sosa's bats to further decrease his once mad street rep. Sosa was eventually blackballed for use of banned substances, and exiled to Canada in shame.

[edit] Trivia

• Sammy Sosa was the man that heckled Michael Richards.

• Sammy Sosa was Mikie from the Life commercials when he was a child.

• The amount of somersaults that Sammy can do in a 3 day span approaches nearly 7.