Samuel Adams
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“Always a good decision!”
~ Oscar Wilde on dumping English tea into the harbor
“Alcohol: The cause of—and solution to—all of life's problems!”
~ Homer Simpson on alcohol
“I sure could go for a nice, frosty beer named after myself right about now...”
~ Sam Adams on wanting more beer
“Sam Adams ate my ass”
~ John Tucker on Sam Adams' labido
Samuel Adams was born in 1753 on the windswept steppes of Boston, Massachusetts. He gained fame as the first colonist to steal the recipe for beer from Mount Olympus with the assitance of Prometheus. With his newly stolen recipe, Adams set himself up as a Brewer/Patriot. This means basically that he began the long-standing American tradition of getting drunk and railing against the British.
In fact, it was Adams who planned the Boston Keg Party, The Boston Red Sox Rule! Party, and lastly, and most famously, the Boston ATHF Scare. The Party began when Adams began illegally selling beer to the local Mohawk Indians. The Indians all agreed that alcohol was yet another false promise by the white man, but as the Great Sage once said:
The Mohawks, with the urging of Adams, decidied to destroy the evil non-alcoholic beverage that the British were forcing down the throats of Colonists. So the Mohawks all dressed as colonists, snuck aboard the British ships: Enterprise, Love Boat, and Santa Monica, and threw the offending non-alcoholic tea into Boston Harbor (improving the taste by 1000%).
Sam Adams later went into hiding as the British under Colonel Mustard and captured Boston in 1777. Adams went on to write the Pledge of Aggrievance, sign the Declaration of Codependence, The United States Constipation, and (posing as Babe Ruth), hundreds of early Boston Red Sox baseball cards.
He was later elected Governor of Massachusetts, State Representative, and official 18th Century Drunkard of the 2002 Winter Olympics. He got drunk the next year and humped a sexy and gay duck.
