Samurai

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A samurai secret, ultimate weapon. These swords can be shot at a long distance, fast enough to penetrate the sound barrier and go faster than the speed of light.

Samurai (Homo samuraius) are warriors most commonly associated with feudal Japan, and the ancient enemies of the ninja (yes, even before pirates made it cool). They are famous for their complex code of honour, and study the martial art known as bullshitdo. They are renowned for their love of cake.

The samurai nearly went extinct in the late 1870s due to actions by the Japanese Meiji government. However, like a really bad venereal disease, the samurai cannot be completely wiped out. They currently enjoy protected species status (and we do mean enjoy--the ninja want to have another go at them).

[edit] Honour

The samurai place a strong emphasis on honour, which is determined by how many battles a samurai can win, how good he is at chess and swordplay, how skilled he is in 1337, and how many White Castle hamburgers he can eat in one sitting. Honour, to a samurai, is far more important than life, and therefore when a samurai runs out of honour, they will commit ritual suicide.

A samurai is born with an honour score of fifty plus his wisdom modifier; however, he often feels he has less honour than he should, so he kills himself as an infant. If a samurai kills more than his parents did, his honour goes down by three for not respecting his parents. If he kills the same, his honour goes down by five for being repetitive. If he kills less, his honour goes down by one trillion for being a failure. Otherwise, their honour increases by one every day. If a samurai runs low on honour, they can always take some from the ninja while they're busy watching Naruto.

Samurai have a lot of rules about killing, all of which are very restrictive. Sometimes samurai want to kill people, but can't due to it being considered "dishonourable." Other times honour compels samurai to kill someone they don't want to (though it's extremely rare for a samurai to pass up an opportunity to kill someone). Ninja are not bound by these restrictions, but they're allergic to light or something, and thus samurai get all the girls. At times, you'll find some samurai who have poor eyesight or are just outright blind, (Whether they've been out in the sun too long swinging their swords, practicing their repetitive katas, or had just seen one too many naked geisha). One should approach said samurai with this in mind...DONT. They get strange superpowers when blind. Don't ask us, we still haven't gotten close to one to figure out how.

It is often asked why the samurai have such a complex honour system. The samurai Shiangurion has stated "The reason is rather simple, really..." and then promptly walked away from the interviewer. Most samurai have similar replies to this question (the daimyo Konguushirakun was famous for his reply: "The reason is--shut up!"), possibly indicating that even the samurai don't know why they have this rigid code of honour. Years of repetitive practice has perhaps diluted their minds to believing all they should do is chop things in half, albeit very effectively... perhaps -too- effectively. No wonder the ninja hate them.

[edit] Hierarchy

A modern-day samurai attempts to decieve his enemy using the ancient "art of deception".

The most powerful samurai form what is known as the Council of the Seven Samurai. Presently, the members are Hello Kitty, Himura Kenshin, Toshiro Mifune, Kojiro Sasaki, Sauron, Jesus, and the present Grandmaster Samurai Shogun, Miyamoto Musashi. Tom Cruise is a former member of the Council, but he was kicked out because he was "not smart" and failed his blood pressure test while filming the movie "The First Samurai." Mr. Cruise has gone on to be the most common opponent of the Council, and has been stripped of any samurai status due to his persistent refusal to perform ritual suicide despite being out of honour. Also notably absent from the list are the Samurai Pizza Cats.

[edit] Relationship with Ninja

The samurai and the ninja have been at war for thousands of years. The only time in which the samurai and ninja have lived in peace was the Edo Period, where then-Grandmaster Samurai Shogun Toyotomi Hideyoshi was ruler of Japan. For the most part, however, they've been at each others' throats for the better part of two millenia. Occaisionally, however a samurai may join forces to kill pirates. This is because like all Asian subgenres they are related usually as brothers/sisters. Pirates, being mostly inbred are Never related to ninjas or samurai. The samurai dislike pirates since they stole the pirates style of being obnoxiously colorful.

[edit] The Katana

Main Article: Katana

The katana is a special sword that can shoot a projectile with a range of the average distance to Mars. This is no doubt where the designers of the Legend of Zelda got the idea for the projectiles that shoot out of Link's sword when he is at full hearts, as the samurai is only able to shoot these projectiles while at full HP. The projectile generated is unique to each katana, but the most common form is that of a hockey puck. It takes several years of training to be able to unleash this projectile, however. Katana are the preferred weapon of the samurai, with recent studies showing four out of five samurai using it. (We believe that the fifth would use a katana as well, if he could only find it.) Samurai have been known to use the wakasashi in unison whilst wielding the katana. The wakazashi is a smaller form of the sword, and is most commonly used to shave private parts, cut toenails, and slit the throats of bad comedians. Samurai place a high value on comedy, and comics are widely known to fear the Death List when it is announced each year at the Academy Awards. Currently, Carrot Top is at the top of the list.

[edit] The Grandmaster Samurai Shogun

A portrait of the first Grandmaster Samurai Shogun, Hello Kitty.

The highest rank any samurai can achieve is that of Grandmaster Samurai Shogun. This title was first claimed by the samurai Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty resigned the title after two hundred years. Famous holders of the title have been Akira Kurosawa, who held the title during the 1950s and created a movie loosely based on the Council of the Seven Samurai, and Toyotomi Hideyoshi, who presided over the "golden age of the samurai." The current Grandmaster Samurai Shogun is Miyamoto Musashi, who only uses wooden swords "just to make things more challenging."

[edit] See Also

• Bullshitdo
• Ninja