Samus Aran

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“Civilization could not exist without the help of Samus Aran. I mean, sexy men are needed to uphold a strong species.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Samus Aran

“Samus is a GIRL?!?!?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Samus Aran

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Samus Aran.

She likes Nintendo, don't you?

Samus Aran, born 1976 on the Earth colony K-21AA, and later moved to Zebes, and is a girl in a Chozo suit with a gun. She is known for shooting creatures and blowing shit up on faraway planets in large quantities, and that includes blowing planets.

she is a bounty hunter, and a fucking good one too, for she has murdered more bioforms than anyone recorded in history. Samus wears a suit which conceals her identity as a female human, for she wears a jumpsuit and that sucks for fighting bad guys (although it does make her invincible). In her lifetime, Samus has killed such people with heavy bounties on their heads like Kirby's Evil Clone, Captain N, Zabuza, and Homer Simpson and has almost annihilated races such as the X-Chozo and the Metroids. For her exploits in ridding the universe of the Metroidss, she was made an honorary "Sexy Warrior God(dess) of War" by Zeus in 1492 AD. However, the story that Zeus bore Samus a child in the form of Theodore Roosevelt is widely regarded to be everything but rumor and hearsay.

Samus and Nathan Fillion were old army buddies, and she was his first mate on his ship, Anxiety.

[edit] Nintendo and Gay Rights

Nintendo has actually been working on equalizing the playing field in video games between straights and homosexuals. Samus is usually portrayed feminine as most video gamers do not want to believe that Samus is, in fact, female. Nintendo has been working behind the scenes with GRALATIF nonstop since the first Metroid game has hit the stores. GRALATIF representative Miyatomi Hikanashi was the one to come up with the idea of disguising Samus as a male in later games to please the fans of the series.

Samus and her huge rack.

[edit] Samus and Master Chief

Samus actually went to college with equally famous Robo-Armor Person Master Chief, aka John Carpenter. Both have admitted on camera that they had a brief flame, but, as Samus has put it, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a romantic dinner when you can't see the guy's face?" There are rumors that they continued dating behind the backs of partners Cortana and (At the time) Adam Malkovich, but this has been discouraged by both. When questioned, Master Chief responded with "She was a bitch back in college. I can't tell you how many times I'd try to strike up a conversation and get a faceful of plasma beam."

There was a renewed controversy between them when Master Chief's first game, Halo, launched and featured a parasite incredibly similar to the Metroid, whom Samus has fought numerous times. Master Chief was asked about this, and said, "The Flood are nothing like Metroids. At all. Ever. Period. I mean, they jump on your BACK! Not your face! God! I mean, how could you confuse them? Sure, they're both gross bug-things, and their basic body shape is incredibly similar [also not really], and they're parasites that are potentially lethal to the human race and have to be kept in seclusion on numerous planets/constructs scattered around the cosmos, but they jump on your BACK!" The reporter who took this story was killed thirty seconds later by what appeared to be a snark stuffed with carrots.

[edit] Samus' Equipment

Samus has one of the galaxy's most impressive collections of performance-enhancing equipment, which she mostly collected deep inside alien planets. Some of the most famous pieces include:

• High-jump Goggles
• X-Ray Boots
• Ice Pants
• Wave Scarf
• Pokemon
• Power poker
• Speed Belt
• G-string of Screwing and Flashing
• Roly-Poly Thing
• Sphincter Bombs
• Boobs (Includes the boost boobs addon)
• a strap-on
• a bazooka
• equipment allowing her to transform into her morphball mode, allowing her to further utilize exceptional difficult Kama-Sutra positions
• a Condom (still in the pack)
• three long hard objects of the perverted nature
• The Goggles

[edit] See Also

• Metroid
• Kraid
• Chozo
• Zero Suit Samus
• Zero Zero Suit Samus