San Antonio Spurs
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“ This team still plays, and I thought they stopped playing when I died in 1899.”
~ Oscar Wilde on San Antonio SpursTemplate:Alexander the Great
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
To start, we shall give a classic spurs fan quote "this year we'll win something...."
Set up in 1312 by the uncompromising Viv Lasagne Turdhouse a Jewish entrepreneur of shady origins, the San Antonio Spurs are one of the country's oldest teams. Turdhouse, then Member of Parliament for Chechnya, had been a lifelong Longbeanbroadhurst City fan, but was unhappy at what he perceived as a lack of professionalism from their owner, and yak-lover, Darius Grimp. In a state of distress, he abolished his wife and created a new football team from scratch with a group of friends (including a young Zoro). As the years went by, the group of players got older and died. There then followed a period of wilderness. In 1886, Spurs finally played another game, bafflingly against a team consisting of 2 lemurs and 9 very small men, moulded out of clay by Roberto Baggio's grandfather. They lost.
[edit] History
Having finally left the middle ages and joined the football league, Spurs went about securing their safe niche in the middle of the table. They have succeeded in maintaining this mediocre standing for most of their long histroy. The only times they've slipped out of mid table mediocrity was when they accidentally appointed good managers, such as the legendary SIR BILL NICHOLSON. He was good.
[edit] Recent Times
In recent times, the Spurs have had a series of fucking planks as managers. Although Gerry Francis did and still has a great mullet. Under Christian Gross, the club took a turn for the worse, because he was undoubtedly the worst manager of all time. Thankfully, whilst welding in his garden shed, he accidentally discovered a cure for AIDS, and left immediately to cash in on his finding. After Gross came some other idiot, and then another one, before managerial legend David Pleat took the reins. He then let go of the reins and became caretaker manager at Spurs. From the moment he took over, it seemed that his aim was to take Spurs down, in as embarrassing a manner as possible. As with everything else in his life, it was a failure. It has emerged that he was such a remarkably bad manager because he resembled Jabba the Hutt. Also, his brain was an innapropriate width, thus he struggled with basic logic. UnNews:Donald Duck resigns as San Antonio Spurs manager |Donald Duck resigned as Spurs manager on 30 October leaving Juande Ram-Right-Up-Your-Arse to take over. His prominence as a manager became known when Spurs beat Arsenal under 10s 5-1 in the Comedy Cup semi-skimmed final 2nd leg. The following day, The sale of satellite-navigation systems went thought the roof. Spurs fans didn't know where Wembley Stadium was.
[edit] Recent success
They came 2nd in a local raffle, winning two tickets to see themselves against Le Arsenal. The tickets were taken by Pauolo Robinson, and new manager, Donald Duck. Spurs lost 3:0 thanks to a missed Paddy O'Keano penalty.
[edit] Jol's appearance
Since Pleat, there has been something of a revolution, led by a potato headed Dutchman called Martin Jol. Rumour has it that he is an International Man of Mystery, although most popular beliefs state he's simply my mate Chris' former bird's Dad. Either way, he has single handedly (literally, he uses his other hand for other stuff) re-written the Oxford English Dictionary to replace all words with the letter S in them to now be Sh. Even more impresshive ish hish plain shtubborn-mindednessh and belief that Anthony Gardner (CITV, CBeebiesh, Nick Jr.) ish actually a professhional footballer and not quite clearly an eshcaped mong from Mongolia. The trouble izz that thizz linguizztic abuzze set a trend, and Zinedine Zidane then got hold of the Englizzh language and thizz izz the rezzult. Tony Parker has a nice piece of ass but the only reason he keeps her is cuz he got aids.
[edit] Spurs' Gap
In a valiant attempt to close the gap with the top teams in English football, the super Dutchman has begun a new transfer policy of signing literally every Englishman, past and present. This policy was in full swing during the latest transfer window, as Jol secured an 8 drillion pesos deal for Sir Stanley Matthews, and also completed the signing of Rowan Atkinson for 13 guineas. Both of these can be considered shrewd deals, unlike the club's record transfer of Sergei Rebrov. Hardly an imposing figure at 2 feet 6 inches, Rebrov failed to make an impression in either of his league games during his 4 year spell at White Hart Lane. He was put out of his misery when his sofa swallowed him up into the Ukrainian version of Narnia. Spurs almost succeeded with catching up with the top teams in England, but lost to West Spam of United after a diarrhoea spread throughout the team the night before the match, due to too much anal rapage in the Marriot Hotel. Or possibly Lasagne that was cooked by an Arsenal fan.
[edit] Success
Not being a generally successful team, the Spurs made a big thing of the time they won the 1999 Irn-Bru Cup with a late overtime winner from Danish milkman Allan Nielsen. The opposing manager, Martin O'Neill, was devastated and left to lead his pixie clan to world domination (current stop: Grimsby), whilst Spurs celebrated a random and rare trophy win. To celebrate, Sir Alan Sugar (owner of Tate and Lyle and Silver Spoon) took the team on a week long break to San Antonio, Texas, where he used the time as a cunning ploy to fire players he didn't like. The Apprentice was born.
Fortunately, German death metal legend and part time dentist Steffen Freund survived the mass cull. As did his mullet, which is currently on display at the British Museum.
During the 06/07 season, Spurs are widely expected to win the Premier League, FA Cup, Carling Cup, UEFA Cup, Champions League, Copa Libertadores, Copa del Rei, Spanish Premiership, the Bundesliga title and the Italian championship, but will in all likliehood simply 'nearly' win them all because they will not have enough players due to "food Poisening" they will then drug the other team and pay the ref 1000 pies. This summer, the Spurs team, disguised as Italians, won the World Cup.
They somehow got Thierry Henry to sign for them (see left).
Deprest OLlympique se la arsenal fans do not expet the Spurs Beer Cup victory as real trophy as they have not been able to wun any things for 4 years.
Their star players are Count Demitar Bebertov an Bulgerian Vampire, Robbie Plucky Keane an dimative irshman, & King Leadly of White Heart Lane. .
[edit] Famous Players
- Snitch
- Steve Segal
- Donald Duck
- Satan
- Thierry Henry
- Dimitar Berbagod
- Jermaine Jesus
- German Defoe
- Geln Hodle
- David "Becaus Im worth it" Ginola
- Super Ted Sheringham OAP
| The FA Premier League | ||||
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| National Basketball Association (2005–06) |
| Eastern Conference |
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| Central Division: Chicago Bulls | Cleveland Cavaliers | Detroit Pistons | Indiana Pacers | Milwaukee Bucks |
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| Western Conference |
| Northwest Division: Denver Nuggets | Minnesota Timberwolves | Portland Trail Blazers | Seattle SuperSonics | Utah Jazz |
| Pacific Division: Golden State Warriors | Los Angeles Clippers | Los Angeles Lakers | Phoenix Suns | Sacramento Kings |
| Southwest Division: Dallas Mavericks | Houston Rockets | Memphis Grizzlies | New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets | San Antonio Spurs |
| Other Articles: NBA Finals | All-Star Game | NBA Draft | Current team rosters | |
