San Francisco, California
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“More like...Coitus Tower. And GAY Coitus Tower at that.”
~ Ben Simon on San Francisco
“The place where they shot every communist on the street. It sucks.”
“Wow...”
~ Oscar Wilde on San Francisco
| Motto: "got n'y Spare Change?" | |
| Official languages | Japanese, Chinese, Polish, MexiCAN, Korean, Pilipino, Italian, Nahuatl, Esperanto, Java, Vegetarian, English |
| Mayor | Richard Simmons |
| Established | 0 A.D. |
| Re-Established | 1906 |
| Re-Re-Established | 1967 |
| Currency | Marijuana |
| Opening hours | All day everyday except twice a year on the first Thursday of every September |
| Civic anthem | "It's Raining Men" |
San Francisco, also known as "Gay Paris", "Homoland", and the "Faggot Capitol of the Universe" is a backwater village in California, yet it is one of the largest cities in California, America, Earth, The Universe and The Known World as well. Located across the bay from UC Berkeley, the place where hippies are born, and Oak-town, the home of the hyphy movement, San Francisco is a charmingly ugly city that smells mildly of hemp, homeless feces, and raw sewage at the best of times. It is also the place of origin of the man known as...(ominous music)...Osama Bin Laden. For this reason, it has been completely razed to the ground in many Hollywood movies, with the famous landmarks being destroyed in the most spectacular way.
Contents |
[edit] Culture
[edit] People
There are many types of people in San Francisco: guitar playing hippies who have migrated from UC Berkeley, philosophy majors ("would you like fries with that?"), Cthulhu spawn, Smug hybrid car drivers who breathe in their own farts (a joke which I stole from South Park), Fabulous Friends of Dorothy, several thousand homeless living in luxury condos smoking crack, pissing and taking dumps on people's car hoods in broad daylight, an army of Tupac clones, even Robert Mugabe. San Franciscans are known for their love of Cher, wallabies and ferns. They do not get crunk; they get hyphy and they hella hate the LA Dodgers because they are better, yanawmsayn'?
As Californians, we all surf bitchin' waves and we all love the Beach Boys. In tropical Ocean Beach, the water is crystal clear and 98.6 degrees F year-round. If it doesn't feel that way to you, swim out just a bit further through the cum filled ocean. Tourists and locals swim here naked all the time and get stung by jellyfish, which is ok since the jellyfish are gay.
San Francisco is an ethnically diverse and well-integrated city. For example, the corridor along Mission Street contains everyone from norteños to chicanos to latinos to homos to hispanics to Mexican-Americans, while Pacific Heights contains not only WASPs but also one (nonpracticing) Jew, Ward Connerly, one half-Irish lady and Robin Williams (each of whom have been mayor). But no matter what ethnicity, they all give each other free love on Haight and Castro (except for ugly, fat and old bitches and gay old men). However, they pop caps into each other when one strays into another's hood.
San Francisco also has many historical cultural communities, such as the homeless that live on market street and the homeless that live in the Tenderloin. other cultural groups include The homeless that live in shopping carts, the homeless that live in boxes, and the homeless.
San Francisco is often praised for being a clean city with virtually no ghettos, however this is not entirely true. For more information, see Oakland.
San Francisco has a shit load of gay dudes, but not nearly as many lesbos, as lesbos like to do manly things and San Francisco is just about the most girly ass place you could go. It is very easy for straight guys to pick up chicks in San Fransisco.
The city has a very high death-to-birth ratio, as most of the city dies of AIDs every year and cannot repopulate until mexicans and chinese decide to immigrate in mass illegally, a tradition celbrated every year by the flying of rainbow flags and wearing of leather chaps.
[edit] History
San Francisco receives his name from the Japanese pioneer and sushi chef known as Flancisco-san. Due to bad Engrish and Russian Reversal, the name had been translated to what it is today.
San Francisco had a very troubled childhood that included an absent father, a crack-addicted mother, and being regularly beaten by his older brother San Diego and his younger brother San Jose. Local historians theorize this is what made him turn homosexual.
San Francisco, now known for being the most important cultural Mecca in San Francisco County, has not always been so. Most of the city's fame stems from the importance it plays in western cultural history. From the birth of Jesus in the city's Mission District in 0 BC, to the Franciscan monks in the Middle Ages, to the glorious reign of Emperor Norton, to the Sexual Revolution *pelvic thrust* that began in the Haight, to the Silicon Revolution,) and the Hyphy Movement, San Francisco has been and continues to be hella San Francisco.
[edit] Language
Unlike other Americans, San Franciscans speak perfect Fag, unchanged since the Elizabethan era in Turkey. Words which have become obsolete and forgotten even in English Turkey, live on in the quaint backwards speech patterns of the San Francisco Peninsula.
In Chinese, San Fransisco is phonetically translated to "剩飯洗狗", which literally means "Left-overs to wash dog".
[edit] Celebrations
San Francisco is a center of gay culture. The annual gay pride parade through the Castro is world-famous. Less famous are the specialized street fairs--the Howard Street Fair celebrating freak pride, the Folsom Street Fair celebrating leather pride, the Harrison Street Fair celebrating bear pride, the Ashley Street Fair celebrating furry pride, and the Bryant Street Fair celebrating raving homophobe pride.
[edit] Economy
San Francisco's economy is broken down as such:
- 3% Sourdough bread
- 52% Public transit fares
- 58% Parking fines
- 110% Ripping off tourists in Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf
- 16% Condo sales to internet yuppies who work down in the South Bay
- 92% Hyphy Juice (available at your local 7-11)
- 37% Marijuana
- Hella% Bud
- 63.333333% New Tupac Albums (released every 5th week of the month)
- 12% Shopping carts and spare change
- 0.5% Death
- 32.3% gay pornography
- 44.9% Bongs
- 120% on math/addition scholarships
- 25.66666667% on BALCO Steroids
- 12% cat people
- 35% hobos
[edit] Cost of Living
San Francisco is one of the most expensive cities in America, particularly in rental costs. Too many fags flock to the city in search of getting fucked by a big man whose hair has migrated from his head to his chest, raising prices of everything from hourly hotels and porn videos, to condoms, lubricant, sex toys, and syphilis medicine. Even city subsidized glory holes are not free anymore, nor are pedophile rec centers such as Golden Gate Park. As such, the pedos are moving to Bangcock. Recent government attempts to increase middle-income housing by tearing down the freeways to build $800,000 high-rise condos for Internet yuppies have, for some reason, done little to help.
The lack of affordable housing has led to the highest homeless rate in the country, and the fact that many hippies are too stoned to remember where they live and end up sleeping in the park has not helped. Recently, the government has instituted a program known as Care Not Cash. Instead of spending money on the homeless, San Francisco tries to raise their self-esteem by showing that "we care." All citizens, under this program, are encouraged to hug every homeless person they see so as to spread lice.
The advantage of having three million homeless in a city of half a million is that the streets are much safer: getting robbed and gang raped by a smelly group of panhandlers is always more fun than by just a single criminal. The homeless also serve as a ready supply of raw material for the Soylent Green collection trucks, and are particularly delicious when slow-roasted or just eaten right off the cob. People in SF have to recycle their pee-water as Global warming and the Apache conquest has drained Lake tahoe.
[edit] Landmarks
Being a peninsula (Greek for "penis-shaped land"), San Francisco is a land of scenic bridges. Most famous is of course the Golden Gate Bridge to the North, connecting the city with the San Quentin penitentiary. To the East, the Bay Bridge connects San Franciscans to their crack dealers in Oakland. The Bay Bridge can be reached from dozens of locations in the South of Market district, usually by accident, as one lane of a major street, or even the entire street, becomes an unmarked freeway entrance. But this however is getting harder to do as the Golden Gate bridge and Bay Bridge often try to mate with eachother. Numerous bridges in the region connect the East Bay, the South Bay, the North Bay, and Honolulu, a region famed for its Chinese and Guatemalan grocery stores. Charrlliieee!!!! Lets go to candy mountain!
San Francisco is also a land of hills. The view from atop Twin Peaks is not to be missed on the two days every year when the fog thins sufficiently for visibility beyond three inches. Nob Hill provides a scenic view of the Tenderloin, allowing residents to look down hookers' tops and try to guess which were born female. Pacific Heights, a reserve set aside for politicians, is opened for 30 minutes every Sunday to allow the poor a brief look at the naked Golden Gate Bridge. Formerly-agricultural Potrero Hill provides stunning views of the new, empty highrise condos and loft buildings of the recent bayside gentrification, while formerly-industrial Bernal Heights is now a vibrant agricultural community, mostly hydroponic, providing hazy views of, like, something hella... um... dude, just check it.
The ultimate scenic overlook is found in the famous Tranamerica Building in the Financial district, Pereira's Prick, which also provides an automatically-respawning parachute, allowing tourists to reach hidden areas where they can perform unique jumps to increase their score.
The mascot of San Francisco is not the Golden Gate Bridge, nor even The Village People; it is Mayor Gavin Newsom's hair, which can be seen from almost all vantage points in the city. Like Gavie's hair, San Francisco will always be clean like a McDonald's public restroom, utterly fabulous at being boring, earthquake proof, homeless and hippie free, capable of making a damn good fair-trade organic GM free double shot decaf nonfat soy latte for all the freaks and ready to get down and party with the sceevy old farts in the Castro.
[edit] Transportation
San Francisco has a world-famous public transportation system, which is why only people from elsewhere in the world use it. In fact, as the MUNI as its called, was rated "top system for breakdowns" 4 years in a row. Transportation Magazine called it "the best place in America to watch a bus run over an old Chinese lady crossing the street".
The mode of transportation most popular with tourists is the "El", a system of streetcars running on an elevated track, but parts of it go underwater too so that tourists can see the sharks that have eaten the escapees from Alcatraz, aka, "The Rock.". The streetcar has become a San Francisco icon, an essential part of any San Franciscan scene in movies, on TV, and at the end of Rice-a-Roni commercials.
Most locals drive, as street parking is plentiful throughout the city at reasonable costs ($539-$799, payable within four weeks of parking), and the 15mph speed limits on Market Street and other main drags make even the most distant parts of the city accessible in only a few short hours. One can also ghost ride his whip up and down the strip.
However, some locals rely on a system of trains, buses, and pneumatic tubes known as Muni. The Muni buses are so well-known for being on time that the city funds a website, http://nextmuni.com, to brag about their timeliness. Transportation outside of the city core is provided by BART, a network of monorail systems (from the latin mono, meaning one, and rail, meaning thing that could collapse in the next earthquake). BART also doubles as sleeping quarters and restrooms for the region's homeless.
Rickshaws pulled by buck-toothed Chinamen with conical hats in Chinatown are also common, as are members of the Klu Klux Klan who live in the housing projects in the Western Addition.
[edit] Government
San Francisco is an oddity in California politics, being not only a city, but also a county, as well as an independent constitutional monarchy. However, after the death of Emperor Norton over a century ago, the power of the crown has waned, and current bitch Nancy Pelosi is little more than a figurehead. However, she still has the authority to conduct trade agreements with the United States, as can be seen in her recent lucrative deals to import pot from Humbolt and export pot to Los Angeles).
Most authority now rests in the Great Central Computer that sits in the old State Capitol building, overseen by The Lead Programmer, Mayor Gavin Newsom. ("Mayor" is his first name; "May" to his friends.) Newsom's responsibilities include feeding data into the computer, announcing the computer's proclamations, fucking his best friend's wife, and performing ceremonial, invalid gay weddings. Newsom somehow managed to marry a hot supermodel lawyer transvestite android wife while simultaneously catering to the gay voting bloc by looking like a complete homo by masterbating in public. Eventually the drugs wore off and she moved to New York.
Newsom is assisted by a team of programmers affectionately known as the County Board of Supervisors, although most of the actual work is outsourced to Bangalore.
Newsom was reelected in a landslide victory in 2007. His reelection was no surprise because because the vast majority of the City's residents are hoping to jump Gavin's bone. An effort to upset his reelection was headed by Alex Tourk, Newsom's one time campaign manager turned cuckold by Newsom himself, when he founded Families Against Gavin (FAG). FAG's failure was also no surprise since it's members included Tourk joined by two lesbian women and the three other straight men that reside in San Francisco. Newsom will now serve his second term in office where he will be swooned over by all women in the city between the age of 16 and 98 and continue to perform gay marriages in which each of the men getting married is imagining that he is in fact marrying Newsom himself rather than the other chubby bear/fiancée in a tux.
San Francisco has its own leather-jodhpur-clad Militia, who dispense justice with a crack of the whip. Spanking is reserved only for those who have been really, really naughty.
[edit] Religious Tolerance
People living in California who practice heterosexuality are often burned by the heterophobes. San Franciscans, being enlightened liberals, know that religious people are intolerant, and therefore do not tolerate them.
[edit] Travel Tips
While San Francisco is a large, tiny, urban city, it is entirely safe to walk around its colorful, historic and elegant neighborhoods. Such neighborhoods include Hunter's Point, Bayview, Dogpatch, Visitacion, and of course the Tenderloin, where many LA celebrities and NY socialites choose to stay when in San Francisco for the Grammys, Tonys, and Oscars, which are all held at Harry & Bob's Soup Kitchen Ampitheatre and Small Engine Repair Emporium. San Francisco also includes a diverse collection of ethnic neighborhoods, such as the Hispanic Inner Mission, the Hispanic Outer Mission, the Hispanic Excelsior district, and, well, the rest is just Chinatown. The city's gay districts are notorious for their incredible discounts on butt plugs, vibrators, and other anal stimulation items of all shapes and sizes. This is due to Harvey Milk's pioneering "Dildos for Peace" program.
San Francisco is known for its wide variety of world-class cuisine. For example, on Geary Street, visitors can find two Jack 'n the Box restaurants--and, right around the corner on Market Street, the only Del Taco north of Fresno. Thai style delicacy of fried cockroaches with oyster sauce are available just about anywhere in Chinatown, except they are eaten raw as passing food off as Japanese is commonplace here, but you have to stomp on them gently so as to not spill the guts before they run off. Travelers looking for history can visit the famous Haight-Ashbury area, where the spirit of the 60's lives on in dozens of shops transplanted from Hollywood's Melrose district and New York's Greenwich Village. Other popular tourist traps include the oldest baseball stadium in California (now a Safeway). Great discount shopping can be found in the Fisherman's Wharf and Union Square areas (beware of the fakes!). For travelers with young children, the Castro District and South of Market are always exciting, especially at night. Be sure to pack your bright pink hot pants and your assless chaps, and baby you are ready to take on San Francisco!
[edit] THE DAMN DIRTY HIPPIES!
Currently, there are a cult of hippies living in the San Francisco sewers (filled mostly with crap and weed) that feed off the living dead. Reports are coming in about how the use the slime coated on their bodies to slither up a persons pipe, out of there tolite, and then they rob the house and blast Led Zeppelin music. Reports have also been coming in about DIRTY DAMN HIPPIES who eat peoples asses off when there taking a crap, (the victim is usaully constipated because of massive weed intake.).
Hippies in San Francisco are very enlightened. They care about the poor because they learned about them from their college professor.
[edit] Famous Residents
- Osama bin Laden
- Cockroaches
- Hippies
- That mentally challenged crazy comedian who was in all those weird movies
