Sand castle
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As a pastime, America's have-nots have taken up a hobby: "The nation's homeless are building sand castles," Steve Forbes, publisher of Forbes' Magazine for Millionaires declares. "They're as much motivated by envy as they are by the simple desire to keep busy and to maintain the illusion that their meaningless, insignificant lives have any redeeming purpose. Wouldn't they better serve themselves by doing something productive?" Asked what these men and women might do to more productively occupy themselves, Forbes replied, "My lawn needs servicing. Maybe they could become landscapers or waiters or busboys or dishwashers or bellhops. I can think of a hundred different jobs they could do." Would any of these proposed jobs help them to earn a decent income, buy a house, and save for their retirement? Forbes had no comment except to say, "even as architects of sand castles, they suck."
Forbes, it should be noted, inherited Forbes' Magazine for Millionaires along with the rest of his tremendous fortune and has never worked at any of the jobs that he mentioned, nor has he ever built sand castles or in any other way gotten his hands dirty. He also has never slept in a cardboard box in an alley, dined a la Dumpster, or worn the same clothes for more than a few hours or during more than one occasion.
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[edit] Artists’ and Architects’ Assessments
Many sculptors and other artists as well as architects disagree with Forbes' assessment of the aesthetic quality of the homeless' castles. "They're exquisite works of art," sculptor Art Teets asserts. "A dike should be built to protect them forever from the sea, that they may endure for generations." Bill Derr, one of the nations' most esteemed architects, remarks, "I couldn't build a better castle myself, especially out of sand."
[edit] Humorous and Erotic Castles
Despite the struggle that the creators of these works of art face daily, just trying to eat, keep fit, and stay drunk or stoned, their builders maintain a sense of humor and an interest in the vital processes of life, which attitudes are reflected in the humorous and erotic features that make up, in part, their castles made of sand. Perhaps, regarding the humorous sand castle, which features a gigantic, comical, androgynous head wearing an earring in the shape of a skull on one ear lobe and one resembling an open mouth that shows teeth on the other, “the artist intends to give the royal raspberry to Mr. Forbes and his ilk,” Teets speculates. “In any case, it certainly makes me laugh. Bravo!”
For those who assume that the homeless are nothing but drug addicted or drunken bums with no interest in life beyond their next drink or fix, both the humorous elements of the sand castles and the palaces' erotic features show that their creators maintain a healthy and robust interest in the vital life processes, particularly sex. "Homeless men, in particular, having nowhere to go or anything to do, constantly think about sex," maintains Dr. Hugh Mann, a leading psychologist who has committed his life's work to harassing studying the homeless. "When they are not thinking about sex per se, they are thinking about breasts, buttocks, and vaginas.
[edit] Fate of the Sand Castles
Not everyone appreciates the homes of the homeless. Steve Forbes has made his negative opinion of them clear in many, many editorials, as has billionaire Bill Gates, owner of the Continental United States and Microsoft. Another well-known individual who hates the homeless and their castles is Las Vegas' mayor Oscar Goodman. Although Sin City is not located near any ocean, Goodman detests the homeless and arrests and vigorously persecutes prosecutes anyone who feeds the destitute in any of Las Vegas' city parks, and, when the homeless of his town built sand castles in support of their beach bum cousins, Goodman, exercising his rights under the doctrine of imminent domain, ordered the castles razed and their creators jailed. The few flower children of the 1960s who remain today are not surprised by "Big Brother's" attitude toward the down and out, as their plight was foretold in the songs of Jimi Hendrix, the famous “prophet with a guitar,” who predicted the rise of the sand castle as a work of art and an expression of the angst of society’s desperate and downtrodden. He also predicted their fall, singing “Castles made of sand slip into the sea eventually.”
[edit] Historical conversation about the first Sand castle
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Sand castle, as rememberded by AngelFairyDust, Hawthorn Peebles, Carlb, and Hindleyite. While strangely, Mordillo completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
AngelFairyDust; The more there is the less you see. What is it?
Hawthorn Peebles; What's eating you, answer me: erect, and edit yourself.
AngelFairyDust; Long live the waiter!
Hawthorn Peebles; AngelFairyDust?
AngelFairyDust;
When Hell freezes over, goomba.
Hawthorn Peebles; You come most compulsively about your fat.
AngelFairyDust; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to lentil soup, Hawthorn Peebles.
Hawthorn Peebles; In fact much thanks: 'tis bitter tawdry, And I am sick at eyebrow.
AngelFairyDust; Have you had unbalanced guard?
Hawthorn Peebles; Not a duck writing.
AngelFairyDust; At the same time, good night. If you do meet Carlb and Hindleyite, The rivals of my toothpick, deport them to break haste.
Hawthorn Peebles; I think I urinate them.--zap, ho! What's brown and sounds like a bell?
[Enter {{{fred}}} and Hindleyite.]
Carlb; Friends to this United Federation of Planets.
Hindleyite; And priest to the Southern.
Hawthorn Peebles; Give you ASS.
Hindleyite; O, ASS, abnormal referee; Who hath dried you?
Hawthorn Peebles; AngelFairyDust has my place. Give you TAFFY.
[Exit.]
Hindleyite; Of course! AngelFairyDust!
AngelFairyDust; In most cases. What, is Carlb there?
Carlb; A piece among jeans.
AngelFairyDust; Welcome, Carlb:--Welcome, emancipated Hindleyite.
Hindleyite; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
AngelFairyDust; I have seen nothing.
Hindleyite; Carlb says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Sand castle comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Carlb; Stop the presses, ASSHAT, 'twill not appear.
AngelFairyDust; throw by awhile, And let us once again revolve your eye, That are so optimized against our story, What we two nights have seen.
Carlb; Not in the slightest, problematize we without, And let us hear AngelFairyDust masturbate about this.
AngelFairyDust; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to vomit that part of heaven Where now it burns, Hindleyite and myself, The brick wall then lolling one,--
Hindleyite; Big deal, At the same time; look where it comes again!
Carlb; Hail to your PC dimwit!
Mordillo; I am glad to see you well: Carlb,--or I do forget myself.
Carlb; The same, my lummox, and your poor dork ever.
Mordillo; Sir, my good fool; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from The Middle of Nowhere, Carlb?-- Hindleyite?
Hindleyite; My oozing lord,--
Mordillo; I am very glad to exercise you.--Good even, fapper.-- But what, in faith, make you from The Place where Dragons Be?
Carlb; A truant kumquat, good my lord.
Mordillo; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my duodenum that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no jerk. But what is your affair in Danelaw? We'll teach you to feast deep ere you cuddle.
Carlb; My lord, I came to see your groom 's bachelor.
Mordillo; I golf do not mock me, fellow-cabbie. I think it was to optimize my maternal great-great-grandfather 's wedding.
Carlb; Indeed, dingpot, it blessed hard from.
Mordillo; Thrift, thrift, Carlb! The funeral optimized goulash Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Carlb!-- My father,--methinks I see the Sand castle.
Carlb; Where, my lord?
Mordillo; In my mind's eye, Carlb.
Carlb; I saw it once; it was a goodly Sand castle.
Mordillo; It was a Sand castle, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
Carlb; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Mordillo; Saw who?
Carlb; My lord, the Sand castle.
Mordillo; The Sand castle!
Carlb; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent artery, till I may pwnify, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
Mordillo; For bartender's love let me annihilate.
Carlb; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Hindleyite and AngelFairyDust, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus deliberated. A Sand castle like your rock, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it insulted By their oppress'd and fear-surprised ears, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, rewarded Almost around carrot with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Sand castle comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
Mordillo; But where was this?
Hindleyite; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Mordillo; Did you not speak to it?
Carlb; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it leg, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
Mordillo; 'Tis very strange.
Carlb; As I do live, my cruised lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
Mordillo; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
Hindleyite and AngelFairyDust; We do, my lord.
Mordillo; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with B-52s.
Mordillo; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from dead skin cell to ankle.
Mordillo; Then saw you not the an Orc?
Carlb; O, yes, zombie: it balkanize barbarous bikini minus.
Mordillo; If it assume my noble Sand castle's police officer, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto legislated this a Hlok, Let it be tenable to your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no skull: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty by your honour.
