Santaism

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Hail Santa... or else

Santaism is an obscure religious sect that sprung from the ancient practice of satanism.

1 What Is Santaism?
2 Roots of Santaism
3 Beliefs of Santists
4 See also

[edit] What Is Santaism?

Santaism is a religion that hails from Middlesex, in England. Practiced chiefly by white middle aged males, the Church of Santa has a membership numbering upwards of the tens.

[edit] Roots of Santaism

Santaism was begun in 1236 by James the Mildly Retarded (Born James Cousins) in Middlesex. The religion was founded entirely by accident after he dropped his bible into a puddle whilst out walking. The conclusion that James drew from this was that the puddle must have been sent from hell itself to correct the current lies, as, miraculously, the water had somehow blurred the ink throughout his bible! As such, Satan, became Santa. James began a systematic conversion of as many of the townspeople as possible to this new religion. Without planning, Santaism became exremely popular in the village, surpassing christianity, buddhism, and even old fashioned satanism.

With this many followers, James was able to vent his imagination and create a large amount of mythos surrounding the practice of Santaism, thereby creating the sect we have today. James unfortunately was murdered by inquisitors when they torched the entire village one night in 1274. It is said that all the animals were struck dumb as a mark of respect (the night was recorded in Santanic history as Silent Night, Holy Night).

[edit] Beliefs of Santists

Santaists believe strongly in the forces of evil. A Santist believes that, come the day of judgement, Santa will arise from hell to take vengeance upon all those who do not practice the dark arts, and give nicely wrapped presents to those who do. Santa will reign for five thousand years, in a world of fire, brimstone, and infernal snow.

A group of Santists performing Ding Dong! Merrily on High.

In worshipping Santa, the Santist has many rituals at his disposal, the most popular of which is the Ding Dong! Merrily on High (shown). To the sound of Santanic Music, the Santist ceremonially escorts a victim, dressed in the guise of Santa, to a high street sign and on the stroke of midnight, hangs them. He then takes all their belongings, wraps them, and places them beneath the ceremonial tree, before torching the lot.

Due to the relative difficulty of performing the ritual of the Ding Dong! Merrily on High, it is a relatively rare occurence. Far more popular is the practice of driving through Red Light Districts with baseball bats and knocking over prostitutes, all the while chanting "Fa la la la la", a ritual known as "Deck the Whores".

Santanic Music

The following rituals are also popular. Given is the ritual, and its Santanic name:

Ritualistic Birthing and Naming of a firstborn boy (Santa Baby)
Performances of Santanic folklore by male children (The Little Drama Boy)
Dressing as Asian Women and performing firelit dances (We Three Queens Of Orient Are)
Punching Caribou (Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer)
Punching each other (All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth)
The Running of the Reindeer (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer) see also The Running of the Bulls
All women who are married and have children are required to kiss a large portrait of Santa Claus while the children watch (I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)
The festival lasts for twelve days (The 12 Days of Christmas)

Famous Santists