Lesbian
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“Lesbians are girls who like other girls.”
“And the Lord said that it was good.”
~ God
Unlike Gay men (who often get a hard time) Lesbians are generally considered to be a good idea. Every normal straight guy usually has a fantasy or two involving half a dozen lesbians and it's universally accepted by conservative males that only homosexual men will burn in hell.
Homosexual women, on the other hand, will be allowed into God's own bedroom, where they will then leave their lesbian bodies and progress into bisexual ones. In the realm of science, most guys would consider research into how to turn their girlfriends into bisexual nymphos as one of the best services that science could offer mankind.
However, in real life, lesbians look like 4-foot-tall lumberjacks, except stronger. Their haircuts look like they used their axe and they generally despise men. Mostly they live on the Greek island of Lesbos, and many have jobs cleaning carpets. Obviously, most men choose to ignore all this as... well... lesbians are hot.
The population of Lesbos comprises different ethnic groups and religions: second cousins, lipstick lovers, feminists, cyclists, gardeners, dykes, artists, contemporary dancers, tennis champions, café drinkers, pagans and others. No official census has been taken since Simone De Beauvoir wrote the Second Sex. What she really meant was that the same sex was better than the other sex. Many lesbians came to regard her as the ground breaking closet-opener. Regardless of their Greek origins, all lesbians participate in the celebration of quintessential lesbianness, culminating in the "Feast on the Yeast" on top of Mount Lesbo.
Many lesbians still derive their living from nature, including bonding, gardening and swimming naked and their skills navigating through thick bush are respected worldwide.
Lesbians' favourite food is carpet, and their favourite drink is Poontang. Lesbians enjoy music, with yodelling down in the canyon being the preferred form of expression, and love dancing, preferring the bump to all other forms of dance. Lesbians are thought to induce communism in young men and their own left member.
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[edit] Lesbian Goverment
The lesbian government is made up of a parliamentary monarchy. The Monarchs go to the title of The Butch King and Femme Queen of the House of Sappho (after the decimation of the House of the Drag King in 1672).
There are several political parties, but the most powerful are:
The Butch Party is an ultra conservative, ultra religious, and gun-loving party against Heterosexual marriage (an abomination to the Yuri goddess). They support big corporations, tax cuts on gym equipments, and girl-on-girl action movies.
The Femme Party are a bunch of liberal, latte drinkers, free love, girly girls, who do nothing but whine and complain about the state of the world and like to walk on the beach and read romantic novels on a winter night close to the fire…
The Lipstick Party, once you join them, you will never want to leave…
[edit] Lesbian Domination
Lesbians are infiltrating society in an attempt to dominate the world. They try and pose as normal members of the community, but to the knowledgeable observer there are many tell-tale signs that give them away. Next time you see a woman and you want to know whether or not she is a lesbian bent on domination look for the following signs:
- Does she have sex with other women?
- Does she have a girlfriend?
- Does she have sex with other women?
[edit] History of Lesbian Religion
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“God created Adam and Eve and said it was good, but then he changed his mind and created Lilith and Angelina Jolie and it was twice as good.”
~ The Yuri Bible
Lilith was the founder of Yuriism, a sacred religion to ‘educate’ girls and lesbian girls into a life of proper education and manners, to become ‘good girls’ or ‘bad girls’ in an endless cycle of sex and more sex (and strictly only between girls), if you are into it. But mostly it was about girl love that was pure, hot, and exclusive to girls only, AND only between girl on girl, which was still hot since we still get to watch. Even thought many guys, boys, fanboys, and men wanted to join the yuri lifestyle and to follow lesbianism, they were all turned down. Lesbian doctrine and dogma denies entry to men, but some have decided to at least 'let them watch'. But then around last night, it emerged a new messiah that brought Hentainity, and caused a split (yuriaspora or sometimes called the Hentai Reformation) on the Yuri community.
The new savior was a lolita girl of the name of Konata Izumi, with her romantic partner Kagami Hiiragi. She wanted to establish a new movement that encompassed the teachings of Otaku, Anime, Ero games, Hentai, tentacle monsters, and Yuri into a religion that shouldn’t just be exclusive to just ‘romance or girlish’, which they found to be too docile, not only that but they wanted the men to join the fun (as well as the inclusion of tentacle monsters, since the Civil Alien Act of 2025). But the followers of Yuriism found them to be impure, raunchy, and too hardcore (also the men and tentacles were icky to their taste; if it is non-girl, it is not kosher), so their followers were expelled. This backfired, as Hentainity was not just exclusive to lesbians or women but fanboys, nerds, dorcs, otakus, and others were welcome to join with open wallets... eeerr... hearts, (but not Yaoi, it is abominable in the eyes of fanboys, no matter how much money you throw into it). These hopeless nerds and outcasts were allowed to join and create annual conventions where they would make their fortune selling hentai games and manga; thus The Holy Church of Hentainity was born…
But that wasn’t the end of it, even thought lesbianity and yuriism was becoming more and more popular not every girl wanted to join, or even found the idea of doing it with another girl appealing (Oh noes!!!). There was a small minority of girls that found beautiful boys appealing, they even found it hotter if these boys did it with other boys. Because of this blasphemonous act, they were expelled and called heretics, soon they formed their own sect called Yaoiism, also known as Islam. The founder was a Bishonen (peace be upon him), who won the hearts of many girls (and boys) who were dissatisfied with Yuriism, Hetainity or Lesbianism all together… ever since its foundation all beautiful boys around the world started to disappear. Because of the blasphemous nature of Yaoiism, it is not believed to be part of the teachings of Lesbianism.
[edit] Lesbian Pregnancy
Yes two females can get each other pregnant, but it won't result in the usual parasite. This in fact will cause them to expel bread chunks after 9 months. The bread is determined by where you live. e.g. Germany: Pumpernickle, France: Baguette, Western America: Sour Dough, Midwest America: Whole Wheat, New Jersey: Wonderbread, England: Hovis. Unless, of course, they use the secret and dark art of Lesbianizum. Not much is known about this cult, but rumors have it that they capture twenty live men in there prime (14- 25 years old) and force them to do unspeakable deeds (or watch ones that make them unable to stop dirty daydreaming).
[edit] Lesbians Through Time
Straight people had no recollection that lesbians existed until the mid 15 hundreds. When they were discovered many people thought they were a wicken cult, but the odd guy would think that they were hot. Often people would burn them thinking that they would cause harm to the world of straight people, but later in the 21th century found out that they would just take jobs away from straight white men, but still make the world a better place. But before all that happened lesbians lived amoungst themselves in the Amazon,many lesbians thought that they could reproduse by having huge lesbian orgies, it took them over 100 years to figgure this out, this was before science existed.Lesbians didnt have much to do with history between the 16 hundreds to the 21st century, but now famouse lesbians like Rosie O'Donnal and Oprah have added a butch genre of comedy to the world, thanks to them thier would be no shows like Oprah or the Rosie O'Donall show.
[edit] Mention of Lesbians in the Bible and Church
“Thou shalt not lie with a man as thou liest with a woman, but two chicks doing it is hot”
~ Leviticus 23:4
“The town was wicked, even their women lusted for each other, and the lord sayeth it was hot”
~ Romans 5:7
“Thou shalt not be a lesbian if you are extremely attractive to males, and if thou is a lesbian and are extremely attractive to males, please, for the sake of god, change to heterosexuality (or bisexuality, if you really can't stop dating girls)!”
~ The 15th commandment
“Also, let the man watch whatever you are doing”
~ The 16th commandment
“Lesbians who lust for the cock need not forsake the ways of dykery for BEHOLD! I give thee the strap-on!”
~ Twaticus 69:23
[edit] Lesbian facts and figures
- There is no cure for lesbianism, and scientists worldwide are working night and day to ensure that one is never found.
- 90% of lesbians have a long tongue. The remaining 10% are single.
[edit] See Also
- bisexuality
- Celine Dion
- Pole dancing
- Dane Cook
- Cage match
- Marvin's Theory of Evolution (of Lesbians)
- Feminazi
- The Queer Famine of 1792
- Tatu
- vag wagon
- Dyke
- Amsterdam
- Lemons
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