Satan
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Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!
“Better to serve in heaven than reign in Gods Subterrainean Crapholeâ€
~ Satan during 08 Evil Conferance
“Personally I can't stand him, when I was at my lowest he promised me so much power and influence in exchange for my soul, but I have neither and I am so pissed off and bitter at Satan, especially now that Jesus won’t have me backâ€
~ Vanessa Feltz on Satan
Satan is this goat-man complete with red fur and a zazzy, go-get-em attitude that was invented by the good folks at Haliburton Biotech back in the 1960s so that they could have a market for their backwards records.It is said that Satan is best buds with the popular Martin Sinclaire Unfortunately, Satan got loose! And now his wherabouts are not known to anyone because Frank Zappa, who knew Satan's weakness, was killed in the Great Spice Wars.
Sir Dr. Lucifer Mephisto Francis Günther "Thomas Aker" Beelzebub H. W. Reagan-O'Donnell, Lord of the Underworld, Prince of Insufficient Light, Keeper of the Seven Dwarves, Goddess of Monthly Visitations, Master of the Mosh Pit, Lord of the Open Flies,Hillary "Stand by your man " Clinton, George "Dubya" Bush, Dan Ashworth, He Who Opposes, Stalker in Darkness, The Dragon of Old, horny jew of the under world, The Dark Goat of Midnight, Horned King of Misrule, Me, Your Mom, Prince of Lies, Spoiler of Tuna Salad, Father Christmas, En-Gin-Smythsonian, Master of Anti-Abortionists, Slayer of Armadillos, owner of your souls, inventor of death by firing squad, Lord of Deceit, Betrayer Supreme, King of All Dooms, Penguin of the Night, Lord of two-lane parking, Lucifer Bright Morningstar, king of the napom, Lucille Ball, Jonathan Davis, Ray Charles, marilyn manson, george bush, Anthony Price, Vanquisher of OMICRON Jack Thompson,Sandra Swalley, He who walks behind the lines and at one time Mr. Horace P. Mactitties, is the overlord of Brooklyn, and is known for his boyish, friendly, and good-natured demeanour. His right-hand man is Tommy Chong, who is also his little brother. At one point, Satan wanted his name to be Santana. When he found out about the recording artist with the same name, he stole his voice. Which is why Santana has to use people like Michelle Branch and Rob Zombie to do his singing for him. Many think Satan is not really a nice guy.
It is said that every time Satan sits down on the toilet and takes a crap Republicans come out, so Satan is universally accepted as the sole father and creator of the American Republican party.
Satan now rules Heaven, or as it is now called, Upper Hell. God got kicked out for being a completely sucky moronic retard with no life.
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Career
Apart from his mundane duties in the underworld, torturing the souls of the damned for eternity, his relentless urge to drink out of the toilet,and constantly challenging Jesus to a Dance Dance Revolution battle, Satan works at the White House, advising the current President on matters of national importance, such as the color of his underwear. "Thomas Aker" to the people at the House, he is well loved by many of his colleagues, and often has drinks with them on AND off duty, to the extent that he forgets to return to the underworld to torture souls, leading many to believe they've ended up in heaven instead. Things he is known for:
- Lying
- Fooling people into eating apples
- Cursing innocent old men with boils
- Staging rebellions with the reason "some dumbass scuffed my new nikes!"
- Burning that pot roast
- Humping the turkey on Thanksgiving
- Sexual relations with your mother
Satan is an authorized retailer of souls and soul-related items, buying used souls to keep and torture, and selling them to people like Dick Cheney, who feeds on their creamy insides, and Bill Gates, who uses them in the development of his operating systems. He obtains souls from various sources, incluiding eBay, but mostly from idiots who want to be famous despite having no talent whatsoever. Thusly, if you ever hear someone say that they don't understand why a talentless hack is famous, it is because they sold their soul to Satan in return of fame. For this reason, Paris Hilton is one of the greatest suppliers of souls to Satan, slaying several of her father's employees daily to pay Satan back for keeping her "famous" (Sadly, her CD STILL flopped!). Several rappers and pop stars contribute greatly to Satan's soul retail business.
As a result of this dereliction of duty, Satan nearly lost his license to practice as torturer of the damned, but managed to preserve it by annihilating everyone in the courtroom, including the only member of the jury, the Old Drunk in the street.
On his 698869983457239857th birthday, he decided to start many evil businesses, which boasts high pay, equal worker rights (black, white, yellow, queer you are all crap to me) and comfortable working conditions (I'm comfortable. anyone with a problem can go to.. oh wait, you are in Hell.). The Care Bears were allegedly under his employment( and enjoying it, too!), before they were forced to star in that lame cartoon.
Satan's evil business can be traced even further back, however. In 1885, Satan invented Twinkies, which he named after himself. However, during Shark Week Satan sided with the Germans and all of his assets in the United States were seized by Robocop. Satan's fabric patent was stripped from him, the cloth was renamed satin and the process for manufacturing it was placed in the hands of metrosexuals.
Satan ventured into politics very early after the creation of the United States of America. As mentioned before, he spawned the Republican Party, and it has grown to be the biggest party and most profitable business venture he has ever gone into. Currently, Emperor Cheney is waging war with Iraq under Satan's supervision.
Aside from his textile business, he has kept busy with his newest project; that of self-righteous conservatism, where we are all going to be subject to drive pickup trucks and listen to country music while wearing cowboy hats. Despite rumors claiming he dangles babies out of windows, he is a devoted father, and regularly sends child support checks for the upkeep of Jerry Falwell.
If you want to live, avoid mentioning the seven trillion dollars he owes to KnowledgePixie Inc. He has been borrowing it from them for six thousand years now to fund the Nine Barbeque Joints of Hell, and they would like it back. Butt sex, anyone?
Another recent discovery is the fact that there is a different Satan assigned to every galaxy. Most notable is Peter Cushing, Satan of the Star Wars series. Some theologians are of the opinion that George W. Bush is Satan of a parallel universe, and that there, everyone believes that being dead is good. This is why Bush turned the Middle East into a haven for democracy. George W. Bush is Satan and he has unleashed his unholy fire upon the Earth! Not only does his very breath reek of godless impurity, but his presence on this Earth has doomed humankind to eternal damnation! Repent, you unbelievers, for the day of Judgement has come! You will be cleansed by fire and the Georgey Spirit!!
On a little side note ; It must be known to all that Satan was in secret also the lover of Stalin, besides his well known relationship with Saddam. Together they often play nasty games with objects that look a lot like bananas, in the basement of the Krim, also known as hell. Saddam apparently knows what is going on, but he lets Satan think he doesn't so that he can spy on them when they're "playing", which gives him a goddam high. It is believed that Saddam machinated his own trial in order to get himself executed, so that he could spent eternity with Satan, his one true love.
Satan's penis is actually the only one in the world that can match the sheer scale of Lenny Henry's. In fact, When Lenny Henry and Satan lie down and think of each other oiled up, they created two towers near the edge of New York. Then, when they finally shot out their plane shaped semen and flopped over, people thought a terrorist attack had taken place. Silly people.
Sir Dr. Satan?
Satan got his doctorate in urban studies, where according to him, "I learned to be more down with it yo." This, in part, is what inspired him to go into counseling, and also to found a religious private school known as Long Island Lutheran Shattered Life Training Grounds. "I used to feel sorry for all the poor people I'd walk by in the ghetto, and I wanted to make a difference. But then I was like, ah fuck it, I'll just take their money by selling them shitty clothing instead."
Additionally, Satan obtained his knighthood when, on a trip to England, he sold some of his evil clothing to the Queen of Chile. The Queen, having a notorious stigma for being socially inept, tried on Satan's clothing and instantly learned how to wear a Yankees' hat sideways (with the brim kept straight), sag her pants down to her knees, and say things like "that's dope", "foshizzle", and "hahahahaha". It was due to these wonderful accomplishments that Satan was formally knighted by the Queen of Cleveland, in a ceremony that took place at 3:00 AM on Feburary 31st, 4 B.C.. Elizabeth wore turquoise, Satan wore midnight black. Very tasteful.
In 2002, Satan was instated as the Honorary Professor of Music at Oxford University, UK, for his lifetime contribution to music.
Also Satan is the current owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Chelsea Football Club, New York Yankees, Buffalo Sabres, Sydney FC and O.J. Simpson.
Personalities
Because of the ten levels of Hell, Satan split himself into ten parts: Satan, Mecha-Satan, Tinky Winky, Willy Wonka, Bill Gates, Jessie Helms, Santa Claus, K'tulu, Arjun Banerjee, and a fuzzy kitten (which got huffed in the great un-reckoning)
Satan has also been seen to talk to himself numerous times, obviously speaking secret wisdom that mortals may not understand. Satan quotes:
- BRYANT COX ORC SHAMAN
- This is CNN.
- You've got Mail!
- Do dee doop! This number is no longer available!
- Become a medical professional! Attend Bryman today!!!
- Join the navy!
- Oh, Hamburgers!
- Welcome to McHell, How may I take your order?
- Well, I went down to Georgia, I was looking for a soul to steal...
Family
It has been confirmed by the Hellspawn of New Hampshire that Satan has parents, and it has been confirmed by Uncyclopedia that Satan has a brother, Stan, and a half-sister Oprah. It is known to the public that Satan also has many children, including George "Dubya" Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, (in fact all of the current US Administration) Jack Harris, Ann Coulter, Miroslav Å atan, AC/DC, commercials, non-alcoholic beer, communism, imperialism, democracy, ABBA, Hezbollah, Microsoft, Apple Inc, pop music, the swedish breakdancing team, and several transport systems. He has a daughter who is capable of fucking him up named Sissy McDeathDeath. What you also might know is that Satan takes the souls of monkeys, melts them, and turns them into clean business suits that he wears when hes on Earth. Also, Satan has a 144-inch penis, so that means he can fuck anything within a 12-foot radius of him, which explains how he has so many children.
Satan has also fathered 417.784 children with Lassie, 6,722,314 children with his half-sister/wife/uncle, Martha Stewart, and another 19 before that with a bottle of Canada Dry Ginger Ale (anyone's guess as to which of these "Dubya" is from). Six members of this brood went on to form the cast of Friends; Lassie was so ashamed that she killed herself. Satan laughed and sent his children from Canada Dry Ginger Ale to pilot Malcolm In The Middle, and to a lesser extent, Life According To Raymond.
There were no survivors.
Metal
Common knowledge attributes Satan Himself with creating the genre of music known as Heavy Metal. This sudden burst of musical prowess has been attributed to Satan rising to give Mozart the gift of his first entirely diminished symphony. Since then Satan has personally sponsored the genre with funds collected from scam charities. This is generally a good thing for metal bands, as most record labels will not dare to touch them with a ten-foot pole. He has been involved in the scene since doing guest songwriting on Black Sabbath's epyonymous debut (being the generous chap that he is, he decided not to claim royalties), only taking a short break during the late '90s, when God attempted to fight back with crappy nu-metal bands and forcing almost every True Metal band to release their worst efforts. However, it later turned out that Satan had been enjoying a gentle holiday with Bruce Dickinson and Adrian Smith, and he was soon back in business. Lately he has been involved in aiding smaller local bands such as Taberah and The Sword in sacrificing Emos to his glory as part of their live shows..
Among the Heavy Metal personalities that claim to have business relations with Satan himself are Quorthon, Glen Benton, Tom Araya, every past and present member of Venom and 9 out of 10 people involved with Norwegian Black Metal bands. Satan is a very good guitar player: he can play faster than the speed of light and all that see his metal awesomeness instantly explode two times. Satan regularly has guitar duels with John Petrucci to test his own ability against the Guitar God. Afterwards they joke about Yngwie Malmsteen's recipe books and Michael Angelo Batio's quad guitar and have been quoted as calling them "n00bs".
Satan has been known to take the form of every Morbid Angel member and play each one of their songs during concerts anywhere in California. When asked why, Satan replied "The chicks, man". Morbid Angel has attempted to sue the God of Darkness, claiming his actions are similar to those of Napster and Limewire. Satan has not been charged with anything at the moment, but later trials might prove otherwise.
Monopoly
As a result of World War XI 1/2, a guy named Retardo Montalban lived and went to hell, thereby playing Yahtzee against Satan for eternity. The game is at a standstill (World War XI 1/2 didn't happen yet) and Satan can't seem to find the twelve-sided dice. He has also mentioned that he is not eager to resume the game, as he was recently robbed in the Dark Forest of Morthryn by a paladin gnome, thus losing gold and eXperience Points.
See Also
- Satan is NOT such a bad guy
- Hal Turner
- Satin
- Satanism
- Stan
- Devil
- The Beast
- Ligature
- Peter Hitchens
- The Letter People
- Oscar Wilde
- Craig christ
- Dr Kelso
External links
| Preceded by: The Unknown Bassist | President of the United States 666 AD | Succeeded by: Nicole Ritchie |
| Preceded by: - | Leader of Al-Qaida 133 BC - 1901 AD | Succeeded by: George W. Bush |
| Preceded by: Nobody | President of Cure Autism Now Beginning of Time - End of Time | Succeeded by: He'll never be replaced, foo! |
The Host of Satii | Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
| Original Satan: The one who fell first.
| The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
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| Satan Claus: Ensnaring unsuspecting dyslexics looking for Santa.
| The loudest Satan: SATAN
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| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
| The scariest Satan: Antichrist
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| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
| The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
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| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
| Satan of Sega gaming: Satan-Shadow
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| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
| Fear the Wrath of the Satan leading the opposing forces in the War on Terra: Bambi
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| Satin: Is his name a typo?
| El Antichristo de los naciones sudamericanos: El Diablo
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| Black Satan: Pimpin Satan.
| Satan's socialite alter ego: Lucifer
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| Mythical United States Presidents |
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1st Eris Discordia → George Washington Carver → Billie Jean → Ruby Tuesday → Escape Key → Spark Notes → Jayson Blair → Garfield → Elvis Presley → 10th Thomas Jefferson → Michael Jordan → Ronald McDonald → Doris Day → Ayn Rand → Kermit the Frog → Teddy Ruxpin → Aretha Franklin → King Kong → Barbie → 20th Escape Key (2) → Fillard Millmore → Grover Cleveland → Harper Lee → Grover Cleveland (2) → Beetle Bailey → Grover Cleveland (3) → Abraham Lincoln → Chevy Trailblazer → Elton John → 30th The Unknown Bassist → Satan → Nicole Ritchie → Billy Ocean → Calvin Coolidge → Tom Cruise → Charles Nelson Reilly → Bill Clinton → George W. Bush → 40th Dick Cheney → Saddam Hussein → Ashlee Simpson → Emmanuel Lewis → Calvin Klein → John Kerry → Lyndon Baines Johnson → Jerry Seinfeld → Oprah Harpo 5932 → Bill Clinton v 2.0 → 50th Zsa Zsa Gabor → Madonna → Me → Your mom → Jesus H. Christ → Teeth → 56th Bob |
| The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy | |
| Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Gosh, Jeez, & the Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan |
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