Satan's Little Helper

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Satan's Little Helperer was spawned by God before he spawned Satan himself... well dammit, I can't say anything new, I'd just be repeating myself... Fuck...

[edit] The Mystery

Few things are known about Satan's little helper. However, potential witnesses seem to associate him with Dr. Phil, Adolph Hitler and George W. Bush. Leading top scientists to believe that he is a clone of all three... or maybe not.

The last sighting of Satan's Little Helper was at the House of Parliament, Canada, helping Steven Harper win the election by spawning countless mindless, moronic Liberal ads. He is reported to have vanished in a puff of evaporated soda pop, leaving behind trace amounts of Teletubie (Steven Harper, not Satan's Little Helper).

It is known that, in a parallel dimension, Satan's little helper was bashing the bishop in a public washroom, and when he was done, he had contaminated the beginning of creation. However, as a side affect, the existence of anime ceased in that dimension, before creation was undone; and it is thought that this will happen again in every other dimension at some point, and so the FBI, CIA and every other capitalized, three letter group in existence are now working around the clock to find and destroy Satan’s Little Helper.

If you have seen Satan's Little Helper, please call 1-800-CRIM-ETV, and report what you know to America's Most Wanted, as there is a reward of 1,000,000$ U.S. for information leading up to the arrest of Satan's little helper. This reward is, in Canada, equivalent to 25 dollars and 34 cents Canadian, as the Canadian dollar has recently surpassed parity and is worth much more then the pitiful American Green. The national treasury is currently one million gazillion faffilion shabalibaloo Yen.

If anything seems incorrect, please excuse it, as I am currently huffing kittens.

[edit] Larval Stage

Satan’s little helper was big, pimpled and his nose was attached to his navel. Overall, he resembled an over-indulged, self-involved gifted student with a strong sense of entitlement. What can I say? He was a cocoon, but there was a cure; he would grow up one day.

[edit] Teenage Years

Satan’s little helper finally emerged from his cocoon, only to find that his Father/Creation Satan had finished World War I and World War II without him, along with the invention of election day.

Depressed that his partner in evil would go ahead and cause chaos without him, he unfurled his new, eye-patterned butterfly wings and glided off in search of comfort to the tune "Dance of the Bumblebee".

His first crush was on a girl named Martha, who lived somewhere in Nevada. After only a mere two years of stalking her, he finally asked her to the prom. They got married, had no kids, and she died an unnatural death from the sinister disease known as love, along with morality. diseases which are often fatal.

After this depressing stage of life, he went to work at Wal-Mart for three years, where he would invent the ATM machine that never gives you any money, no matter how many times you insert your card, and the cash register, a device so sinister and souless that it would happily overcharge for a simple stick of bubblegum.

[edit] The Wal-Mart Years

Satan's Little Helper often viewed his time serving at Wal-Mart as his coming-of-age. Although this stage of his life is frequently skipped in biographies about him such as My Life by Bill Clinton, it is nevertheless, still extremely relevant to many of his psychological troubles, such as an irrational fear of huffing kittens.

For the first year and a half of his service in the maximum security penitentary known as Wal-Mart, where he was sentenced to organise and restock the tool department. It was there that he first met the man who would become his arch rival, Elmo. Elmo had been sentenced to clean up the mysterious "isle seven", thought to be located near the tool department. Elmo had been sentenced to this for life, after being busted for drug abuse. Elmo and Satan's Little Helper attempted to escape from the dark isles of Wal-Mart but were captured and beaten by the mysterious floating smiley, thought to be Zoro's illegitimate son. It was at this point in life that he developed his fear of huffing kittens. Most records say that he huffed kittens to dull the pain, but it was actually because there was an alley outside his isle window, with plenty of kittens to huff. After living out his three life sentences, he finally left Wal-Mart. Thus ended the Wal-Mart years.

[edit] Marital Status

Satan's Little Helper's second marriage was to Ms. Piggy, a transvestite prostitute who fondles little boys. That relationship didn't last too long, as Ms. Piggy couldn't be trusted around their potential children. As a result, Satan's Little Helper brutally murdered her and left her in the prison he spent time in, Wal-Mart, the believed home of Big Brother. After several months of raping and pillaging towns in search of the right woman, he came across the infamous, yet somehow arousing, woman known as Death. They engaged in a long-term, very sexual relationship, which consisted of extremely painful kinky sex, bondage, handjobs, anal sex, and child molestation. The sexual side soon died after Satan's Little Helper found Death cheating on him with Jennifer Lopez, a merchant of sex toys. He did, however, manage to catch a video tape of their lesbian sex, and will forever pleasure himself with it while alone on dark and stormy nights.

Currently, Satan's Little Helper is single, so ladies, come and get your free, no-commitment fuck!

Away goes Joe_Natzi, forever trying to find Death and a little J-Lo.

[edit] Where is he now?

The current whereabouts of Satan's Little Helper are more-or-less unknown. However, our top scientists from Chinese Laboratories are ripping off American Laboratories to find his current location. If you have any information to contribute to his current location, please call 911-0000*.

Satan's Little Helper was last spotted in a public washroom, pleasuring himself to a video of Death and Jennifer Lopez having... umm.. "relations," and was immediately incarcerated back into Wal-Mart, where he escaped a day later by using an inflatable raft as a shield for 50% off.

Thank God for Wal-Mart's disposable and cheap products.

In a recent news update, Satan's Little Helper has been sighted in The Middle of Nowhere, passing between there and The Exact Middle of Nowhere, a cheap remake. Scientists hope that that Satan's Little Helper will meet up with The Ferocious Beast and that these two voracious predators will destroy each other in an epic battle accompanied by cheesy heroic music, ended when one of them declares "I have The Heart of The Cards" and pulls a win out of their ass, whereupon the other one will die and be reborn many times more powerful, in a shocking plot twist, very similar to Dragonball

- * We here at Chinese Laboratories cannot take any responsibilities for any consequences, jail terms, death sentences, or painful beatings from police you might receive for calling this number. American Laboratories, however, can take all the blame.