Sauron

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“Little shit didn't even say thanks when I offered my allegiance, just "Build me an army worthy of Mordor" white wizards have their feelings you know..”

~ Saruman on Sauron

“That fucking prick...I forged the One Ring to spy on little boys and this bastard steals it and starts yelling about how he's going to use it to "rule them all". All he's ever going to rule is my foot up his ass!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sauron

Sauron is known as the Lord of the Dance and the Saint of the Step. sHe is the current Lord of the Ring of Mordor and the current prime minister of New Zealand. sHe is said to be all that and more, even though he had his ass kicked by a dog, a flood, two old and exhausted people, three midgets, and finally, JANITOR MAN!!!

Contents 1 History of Sauron 2 Speech 3 Controversy over undefeated record 4 Sauron's Official Fact sheet 5 The Sauron Particle 6 Final Words 7 Descendants 8 See also

[edit] History of Sauron

Sauron the Great and Mighty has always been gassy. He worked at fifteen clubs a day, while ruling over the city of Santa Fe at the same time. First perfecting her moves in the dark void of Space, circa 1979, it wasn't long before Sauron was burning up the dance floors all across the Discoverse. From blasting her way through 15 interstellar dance battles to achieving the highest-ever recorded score on Dance Dance Revolution, she never stopped dancing and dreaming. Sauron has never lost anything.That is except for the gassy contests.

Subsequently, it is rumoured that Sauron might just happen to be the physical manifestation of Ian Paisley, the woman with the golden gun, who had heavily invested in the light arms manufacturer ‘Durex’. It should also be noted however, that due to Sauron’s transcendental limitations, the accuracy of Vin Diesel’s ‘Theory of Relativity’ should also be questioned.

Concerning Sauron's gender, reports vary (see above). Some say that after undergoing her recent surgery at Mount Doom University Hospital Sauron currently has nothing but an eyeball and hence no visible signs of gender. Others report that sHe still has a flaming vagina. Still others claim that it is not the vagina, but the long black tower pointing toward it which is actually Sauron. This is the sort of thing that scholars will debate for centuries. Hence it is beyond the scope of this article. It is interesting to note however, that Sauron could be both the flaming vagina and the tower which serves as his penis, and thus be a shemale, and be able to have sex with himself. Scholars are still debating whether or not this classifies as masturbation.

The most conclusive and probing work on Sauron's gender was done in the groundbreaking documentary Borat: Cultural Learnings for Make Glorious Kazakstan look more like Even More Glorious Nation of Mordor. However, the film sequence for the key scene in which Sauron's gender is revealed fell into the Firey Casm of Mount Doom when a naked dispute between filmakers Borat and Frodo about Pamala Anderson turned deadly.

The issue thus remains open for further discussion by those who are truly too bored to discuss anything else.

[edit] Speech

Sauron suffered from a speech impediment that left his raspy, booming voice sounding like a turtle attempting to sing the national anthem in Polish, who naturally has no knowledge of the Polish languge. He also had a habit of making small shiny objects speak to Hobbits and Wizards. The palantir and One Ring were two of his most annoying vessels of banter, and he would frequently yell at Frodo and Aragorn about "seeing them" and sleeping elf women.

[edit] Controversy over undefeated record

A small number of experts in the field discovered an ancient text from the Middle Ages that describes an epic battle between Henry Rollins and Sauron, where Rollins is the victor. While the mythological event is considered plausible by many prominent Sauronical scholars from France, many of her followers deny that Rollins' victory could be possible. Fundamentalists contend that Henry Rollins never existed. In 1239 BC Rollinsians countered with an official denial of the existence of Sauron, but were smitten by the Lord of the Dance. Or rather, they would have been if Sauron was not dead by that point.

Narsil didn't cut his finger. Two incredibly minor characters killed him in combat, and Isildur came along and cut off the dead Sauron's finger. This is widely considered proof that the Rings of Power didn't grant literal power. One wonders what they even did in that case.

When the world was young, a woman named Luthien came to Sauron's fortress and demanded that Sauron release her boyfriend Beren. Even though Sauron could have looked out the window and noticed that she had a wolfhound for protection, he instead sent out his army of werewolves one by one until they all died. Sauron then turned into a wolf (or dressed up in a costume he stole from a furry) and was owned. It is said that afterwards, the mentors of Sauron, Aule and Morgoth Bauglir, drank many kegs of ale while asking themselves "Where did I go wrong in rasing that boy?"

Her oddest recorded loss by far was when three midgets, one fat, one emo and one starved, managed to throw a piece of jewelry in a volcano, causing Sauron to freak out over property damage until he had a heart attack and died.

[edit] Sauron's Official Fact sheet

1. Fact: Sauron once fought Dubya, a ninja, a pirate, Saddam Hussein, and Vin Diesel simultaneously. The match was deemed a draw.
2. Fact: The only time Sauron is said to have thought out loud, he said: "I really wish I could play Uno". Apart from this interesting, and insightful speech, Sauron has supposedly never ever said anything ever.
3. Fact: Due to time constraints, Peter Jackson was forced to cut out an epic duel in which Sauron and Frodo went head to head in a five minute long Dance Dance Revolution sequence.
4. Fact: Bill Richardson is Sauron's nephew. He apparently received all of his over-lording skills, but none of his dance moves.
5. Fact: Sauron is an mammal reptileCrustacean android.
6. Fact: Sauron is known to have invented over half of all current dance moves in the universe.
7. Fact: Sauron knows when you are sleeping and knows when you're awake because these are simply things that happen.
8. Fact: Trees whisper to Sauron and increase his amazing powers of rhythm and motion.
9. Fact: Sauron had sex with Paris Hilton while kitten huffing.
10. Fact: Sauron fathered Marilyn Manson with only three testicles and no urethra. Only one of the testicles belonged to it.
11. Fact: Dinosaurs are a myth created by the people at Ambrosia, who envied Sauron's abilities. When the general public remained unconvinced of their existence, Ambrosia made Escape Velocity.
12. Fact: Sauron enjoys watching go-go girls more than go-go boys but enjoys go-go its the most.
13. Fact: Sauron is the original Yellow Power Ranger.
14. Fact: Sauron is a vegetarian.
15. Fact: Sauron is a pedophile.
16. Fact: Sauron invented the pancake.
17. Fact: Sauron only worships one religion, that of Christianthony.
18. Fact: Sauron controls all the spice girls in the universe. He who controls the spice girls, controls the spice. Nice try, Muad'Dib.
19. Fact: Sauron controls all spice in the universe. She who controls the spice controls the Fremen.
20. Fact: In contrary to Popular Belief, Sauron isn't Belgian.
21. Fact: Sauron will appear and grant you half a wish if you perform the happy dance.
22. Fact: Sauron once won a bet with Rory McGrath. Rory wrongly stated that Sauron was an utter sod, whilst Sauron quite rightly stated that Rory was a "Ginger twat".
23. Fact: The only man to come close to killing Sauron was Alex Trebek.
24. Fact: Sauron has been banned from Battle.net by a cadre of Gosu Koreans.
25. Fact: Sauron's deadliest enemy is Gene Kelly.
26. Fact: Sauron's second deadliest enemy might soon be Leeroy Jenkins.
27. Fact: Sauron is a friend of thetans.
28. Fact: On thursdays, Sauron is not an accountant.
29. Fact: In any given room, there are 1,523 objects Sauron can use to kill you, including the room itself.
30. Fact: Sauron prefers Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, over the original, Breakin'. That is only because Sauron actually played Turbo under a pseudonym. And don't forget that you can see Jean-Claude Van Damme wearing a unitard in Breakin'!
31. Fact: Sauron rules over all of Humankind apart from the amish.
32. Fact of lesser interest: Sauron rules over any single unicorn.
33. Fact of lesserer interest: Sauron prefers jam to any other spread.
34. Fact: Sauron is no longer able to play on any VAC secured server as he is a 14/\/\3 h4x0r!!!111.
35. Fact: Saurons are greater than all Viddies.
36. Fact: Sauron created the secret organization Purerave.
37. Fact: Sauron is a big fan of Mike Ditka.
38. Fact: Sauron likes hobo's as much as Harry loves sex ... lots.
39. Fact: Sauron knows who Harry is, where he lives, and his mobile number. He's coming to get you Harry, he hates your edits.
40. Fact: Sauron knows what school Harry goes to and will have vigorous mansex... Although I think they both might enjoy that... Harry, what have you done to make him so angry... or Horny..?
41. Fact: Founded the infamous fortress known as the Bergen County Academies with Pee Wee Herman.
42. Fact Sauron once Beat up Dean Stockwell and then stepped on his nuts while he was down, which was really uncalled for.
43. Fact Contrary to popular belief, of all the things on this list, only the prime-numbered ones are true of Sauron.
44. Fact: Sauron listens to the Teletubbies.
45. Fact: Sauron is one of the only known beings to survive an attack from Johnny Depp in 'Super-Jedi-Space-Ninja-Pirate-Kill Everything' mode.
46. Fact: Sauron performed with Kevin Spacey and Sir Ian McKellen in Stephen Sondheim's 'Lucky Pierre: The Musical'
47. Fact: Sauron cannot stand the shape of things to come
48. Fact: Sauron is the official producer of Snakes on a Plane.
49. Fact: Sauron is not to be confused with Sauron Zeuspiter Christ, the Roman name for Saturn Jupiter-Cronos Christ.
50. Fact: Sauron is hotter than you! Just like Liam is hotter than you!
51. Fact: Sauron is the biggest fan of Varg Vikernes.
52. Fact: Sauron was association chair during the Great Tweed Riot at the University of St. Andrews.
53. Fact: Sauron just walks ROCKS SKATEBOARDS into Mordor.
54. Fact: Sauron is a homepathic psychotic serial killer that resembles postman pat
55. Fact: Sauron is NOT a woman, I repeat, NOT a woman. Sauron is ALL man (girly bitch man, that is.)
56. Fact: Sauron plays WoW
57. Fact: Sauron believes Belgium is a Viagra factory for Gnomes
58. Fact: Sauron actually defeated Professor Moriarty in a game of chess once, but the professor was so enraged he re-wrote time, preventing the event from ever occuring.
59. Fact: Sauron lost his spice set to the evil Dark Lord Legolas when his high school buddy Melkor tricked him.
60. Fact: Sauron lives with a little green goblin named Wayne. They watch movies together and make Shrinky-dinks. Evil shrinky-dinks.
61. Fact: Sauron farts death metal.
62. Fact: Sauron can make furbies
63. Fact: Sauron is your father Luke
64. Fact: Sauron must have his calcium supplement with breakfast and dinner bacause of his weak bone structure
65. Fact: Sauron loves to look at fakes of Michelle Trachtenberg by Cuds_PJ_
66. Fact: Sauron acted as a Scat porn star in the years 1999 to 202/5
67. Fact: All your base are belong to Sauron!!!

[edit] The Sauron Particle

Saurons are often emitted as radiation from the eye of angry cyclopes, and can bend your will upon penetration of your brain. The only known protection is a facial chastity belt.

Elementary Particles

Boson - Proton - Muon - Bozo - Graviton - Gluon - Quark - Electron - Photon - Moron - Neutrino - Tau - Gayon - Darkon - Unobtainium - Ballmiton - Crouton - Tachyon - Tron - Badger - Sauron - Roricon - Spork - Hardon - Onion - Galvatron

[edit] Final Words

Remember, Sauron loves you. Especially extra crispy with barbecue sauce, curly fries, and a large line of Coke.

[edit] Descendants

Sauron knew that he would be destroyed and needed successors, so he had many children, though not all followed in his footsteps. Some were obliterated but others are still alive and at large.

• Lord Voldemort - Inherited Saurons magical powers
• Magneto - Inherited Saurons temper
• Simon Cowell - Inherited Sauron's arrogance
• Palpatine - Inherited Sauron's "|_ 3 3 -|-" Lightsaber skills.
• Lex Luthor - Inherited Sauron's Non-hair.
• Jimbo Wales - Inherited Sauron's suckage. If said suckage was like a vacuum cleaner and not all-around stupidity and lameness, it would bring the Sun into direct contact with the Earth itself.
• Lich King - Inherited Sauron's looks. Duhr.
• Martha Stewart

[edit] See also

• Rhombicuboctahedron
• Alex Trebek
• The Lord of the Rings
• Vagina
• Randy Orton
• Bored of the Rings
• Morgoth Bauglir
• Vodunius Nuccius - Sauron's heir (in your face, Isildur)