Sausage roll
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A sausage roll (also known as bleeeuuuurrrghhh) is a delicious snackfood, popular in the United Kingdom and other places whose markets it has managed to penetrate. Its unique taste, colour and texture has inspired writers and artists including Oscar Wilde, Bono and Orson Welles.
[edit] Composition
The typical sausage roll is compose of a mixture of gristle, grit, pig's anus, fat, lipstick and hair (the "sausage") surrounded by some pasty stuff found clogging up a sink plughole (the "roll"). This is then baked in an oven for around twenty minutes (or fried in pigfat for the Scottish version) before being served. Or left on the shelf of your local Greggs to breed bacteria. The latter is more likely, to be honest, I mean who "serves" a sausage roll?
[edit] Origins
The sausage roll was invented in 1647 due to Oliver Cromwell. After a long and hard battle against the forces of the evil Charles I, the future Lord Protector apparently rode with some of his soldiers to a nearby farm and rapped on the door, demanding to see the owner. On the farmer's answer his knocking, he is then reported to have said:
"Good sir, I have fought long and hard defending your liberty and now my hunger must be satisfied. Pray, sir, slaughter for me and my men your fattest pig and present it to us in the form of some delicious pork pies that we might eat"
Unfortunately, the farmer's wife was a terrible cook and didn't know how to make pies so she had the pig-meat mashed up, mixed with sawdust and dung, rolled into a sausage-shape (the only thing the wench knew to do with pork) and then crudely wrapped in pastry before being baked. The resulting cooked-mess looked appalling but the farmer feared Cromwell's sword and so presented it to him anyway. Cromwell and his men ate the resulting rolls. Once finished, Cromwell himself declared.
"I wouldn't wipe my arse with that. Well, maybe this once! Oh God! My arse is all greasy!"
The farmer was executed but his wife kept making them for some reason. On the restoration of Charle's son, the new king heard the tale of the food that made Cromwell ill and commended the farmer's widow and ordered 1000 to be baked for his coronation dinner. Despite nobody actually liking them, they were widely-eaten as nobody wanted to offend the "merry monarch" in case he had them executed. Their function at modern partys continues this role.
[edit] The sausage roll in art
“My artistic life would have been far poorer without the humble sausage roll. When I couldn't find a rent boy, I used to fuck one out the oven instead. Quite similar to a nice young anus if you've been taking drugs”
“Y'know, when me and The Hedge were trying to write "When Love Comes To Town" and get the respected elderly old artist BB King to sing on it we bribed him with sausage rolls and it worked after we added in a $100,000 sweetener. He never ate the sausage rolls. I still have them; well, The Hedge does. In his fridge.”
~ Bono
“Sausage rolls? I ate them throughout voicing that giant planet for my last film performance. Along with only slightly-out-of-date Paul Masson they took away the shame.”
“I'd always wanted to eat my own faeces in the name of art and being insane but sausage rolls had to do!”
“I once ate a sausage roll because someone had put lots of drugs in it.”
“Uncooked sausage rolls are like poor SAP billing implementations: They are all half-baked.”
~ Thom Lek
Barmy British Stuff 
| This article has a good idea and concept, but isn't finished. You can do something about it.
Sexual innuendo but with... sausages? That can't be right, lemme check that again... yeah, sausages. |
