Scabies
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Scabies is a transmissible ectoparasite skin infection characterized by superficial burrows, intense itching and secondary infection. It is caused by microscopic rats Rattus minimus that burrow under the skin looking for microscopic garbage to eat.
An infected doctor shows raised red lines on the skin, large areas of intense skin irritation and bleeding nipples.
[edit] Etiology
Scabies is nearly always passed person to person via skin contact, though in rare cases scabies can be transferred from skin to cheese and cheese to skin. Needless to say, this mechanism can result in a much faster form of the infection due to the fat, fit state of the micro-rats after a cheesefest.
Once on the skin the micro-rats immediately bore into the skin tissue by means of a hair follicle or sweat gland and set to building an elaborate system of subcutaneous burrows. Some of these burrows will end in large (0.1 mm) chambers in which baby micro-rats are raised. Since mammalian nipples are actually large, modified sweat glands many rats will congregate in the aureolar area in the evenings, starting fights among themselves and mating; like English people in a bar.
Symptoms only begin to show 4 to 6 years after initial infection, by which time the infected person will have passed on the infection to everyone he or she has even shaken hands with. Apart from zombism, scabies is the most infectious disease in the world and it is estimated by the Luxembourg Bureau of Stuff that by the end of October 2008 every person in the world except HM Elizabeth II Queen of England will be infected. The Queen will not be affected because of her royal training which allows her to indefinitely contain her farts in order to avoid an international incident. The Queen, and possibly Prince Charles, can absorb fart gas into the bloodstream and release it gradually through the skin. This would kill any scabies infection before it had a chance to take hold. Prince Phillip, having never given a damn who he offends, farts like a trombone and will not benefit from royal immunity.
[edit] Medication
Killing subcutaneous micro-rats is pretty easy. It can be done with intense heat, toxic gas (See Queen Elizabeth), poisons or drowning. Unfortunately all of these will kill the patient. Any drugs affect the micro-rats less than the patient, since rats have always been used for lab testing and have acquired immunity.
Research is currently entering final trials in Brighton, UK, on the possibility of using specially bred micro-weasels to hunt down and kill the micro-rats. So far weasels as small as 1cm have been bred, but they are extremely vicious and the only patient to have had one inserted under his skin screamed like a little girl until it was taken out.
A promising avenue was opened up with the alcohol bath, a bath of neat vodka in which the patient can float until the micro-rats have died of alcohol poisoning. Unfortunately the micro-rats have already learned to just hide in the skin of the nose until the patient gets out of the bath, but a nosectomy at the right moment may well yield positive results.
