Schnuck
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Gerhard Friedrich von Schnuck (1908-1969) was a wealthy German-American industrialist, inventor, and political leader who is best-known for developing the spoon. Unleashed upon the nations of Europe during the German blitzkrieg of 1939, the spoon was used to quickly decimate the cereals, mashed potatoes, and ice cream parfaits of the Nazis' enemies, and is considered to be a key factor in the decision by United States leaders in 1941 to enter the Second World War, along with the Japanese attack on Pearl Bailey.
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[edit] Early Years
Born into a large family of trained circus mollusks in Berlin, Schnuck's childhood was spent in a variety of military science academies, traveling cabaret acts, and secret underground weapons factories. In 1930, he married Helga "Flim-Flam" Hitler, a previously-obscure cabaret singer who, as the sister of soon-to-be-German Chancellor Adolf Hitler, brought Schnuck into the Nazi inner circle. This led to his being given a lucrative commission in 1934 to design new weapons for the Third Reich, and also his appointment as the Personal Assistant to the Fuhrer for China Affairs. In less than six months, Schnuck had replaced the entire china cabinet in Nazi headquarters with newly-developed bomb-proof dishware developed by Schnuck's personally-owned factory, Schnuckers AG.
In 1937, Schnuck presented Hitler with the first German spoon (right), which Hitler was able to use to finish his breakfast. Schnuck was awarded with the Iron Cross, and mass production began almost immediately, quickly outpacing French and British knife and fork manufactures by nearly three to one.
[edit] The Post-War Era
Shortly after the war, American agents keen on gaining access to advanced spoon technology secreted Schnuck out of Germany and into the United States, where he settled in Lake Tapawingo, Missouri. Schnuck's wife, Helga, thought to be Adolf Hitler's only surviving relative, changed her name to "Hilda" and shaved her gnash-style moustache to disguise her identity. Schnuck quickly rose to a position of prominence in the American spoon-technology program, considered by many to be vital in the defense of American democracy against the Soviet Union's insidious "Bowl-in-the-Face" technology.
[edit] Rise to Political Prominence
Because of his strident anti-Communist views, Schnuck was essentially given carte blanche to engage in political activities in the United States. In 1957, he founded the American Schnuckzi Party (ASP), whose political philosophy differed from Nazism only in that the uniforms were of a "slightly more attractive shade of brown." By 1961, the ASP claimed 58 members, making it the 178th-largest political party in the United States, larger than the National Child Beratement Party and the Protectionism for Annoying Internet Whiners Party, though not quite as large as the Needlessly Repetitive Cow-Tipping Party.
Schnuck's only attempt to run for political office failed in 1964 when, in his campaign for President of the United States, he failed to receive the necessary number of electoral votes required to win the election, and despite weeks of legal wrangling was unable to have the results overturned on the basis of errant whimsy.
[edit] Later Years
Embittered and disillusioned, Schnuck spent most of his later years training a domestic paramilitary organization whose sole purpose was to use terror tactics and blackmail to force innocent American grocers to rename their stores after Schnuck. The reasons for this obsession with grocery store naming are unclear; it is generally accepted that by this time Schnuck was bat-fuck insane, even assuming he had not been so all along. Nevertheless, the organization, known only as "Fred," survived Schnuck's death in 1969, and by the last known count in 2004, had managed to force the renaming of over 42 stores. Ironically, Schnuck's name, previously associated only with death, destruction, and spooning, had by the 21st Century become synonymous with fresh produce, great selection, and low, low prices.
