School
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“I quite enjoyed the floggings.”
~ Oscar Wilde on School
“Get your books out, and turn to page one hundred and fourteen.”
“We don't need no, education!”
~ Pink Floyd on school
Once there was a life, then there was school.
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[edit] School
A school is an institution where students (or "idiots") spend a large part of their lives being brainwashed by teachers. These teachers think that it is funny to watch these students (or "idiots") struggle hour after hour with homework that they deem necessary for life. Well, let me tell you something. No one gives a crap what the square root of 73 is. I guarantee that I am never going to use any of that crap you call work. So you can just take that "work" and stick it up your big fat hairy ass. But anyways, back to the original topic of school. Burbank High School is noted for it's exceptional academic decathlon team, the XNTRX (eccentrics, in the plebian tongue). In most systems of formal education, idiots jump through a series of hoops in a sad desperate attempt to prove they are worthwhile as people. Many of these idiots go to "post menstrational" or secondary schools, and end up dateless. A large amount of schooling can result in head spontaneously ass ploding, due to the amount of knowledge gained and stored in the idiot's rectal cavity. This can be prevented by destroying a lot of brain cells(stored in the anus), and many college students smoke weed to prevent said ass plosions. Chavs offer you drugs and stab you in the tolet. I have also heard rumors that Socastee High School is a......
Never mind... thats off topic too.
[edit] Abuse
School abuse. Abuse in school. Many teachers in the world do school abuse. Its a very nasty thing but they have "FUN" doing this abuse. Abuse is something nobody would ever want. But in schools its legal to abuse someone's private spot. That is why schools are so full of abuse. They abuse you in every private thing.
Also, it is common for inmates/students to abuse each other in school. However, the teachers/wardens take an 'It's just bullying' stance and let them do so.
Abuse is like another form of heroin to teachers, just think of it like a party and everything is free, including abuse. They tell you to like it as they strap you to a wall with honey on your butt and an apple in your mouth while they whip you with chains. While forcing you to call them by an often hilarous last name (i.e Mr.Cox or Mrs.Hottits). go eat shit
[edit] READ THIS NOW!!
Most schools are in fact secret terrorist funding facilities that cut back on things like food quality and functioning toilets. These funds are then diverted via "letters for your parents" straight to Osama Bin Laden (who is not dead, just hiding in his mothers basement playing WOW). The awful (yet extremely well covered up) leader of this organization is none other than President Ivan Shit-Sucker (PISS). PISS has been running this crime-ring for almost thirty years (he turns 40 on Saturday and we all wish him a happy birthday) He was (obviously) a teachers pet, thats right a pencil-pusher, a desk-sucker, an ass-kisser, and a piano player (naturally). At only eleven years of age he met with ABL in the back alley of a McDonalds. Their plan was to shovel all the shitty parts of a cow that nobody likes and sneak it into the McDonalds burgers!! Until they found out that Macca's was already doing it so they threw something together with school (yeah, real bloody original, huh?) anyway I have my own plan... all us kids, yeah you too, get all this white crap and discreetly put it into KFC's chicken and then feed it to PISS and ABL! Mwa ha ha ha! Hang on... Ive just been told that KFC's already doing it... DONT LAUGH!! If you have a better idea then go ahead add it to this page but until then be on the lookout for anyone who looks like PISS... or CRAP (Captain Richard Ass-Pisser) he's in on it too. Hang on, we have just received recent reports that ABL has been found hiding in his mom's basement. Well, why didn't we look there?
School (maturity chamber, learning hole, devil's academy, prison, Hell hole, concentration camp, torture device, rubber band, communist-o-fascist propaganda machine) is an institution where dumb ass retards are harvested and encouraged to be aggressive and demand gold stars randomly; people of average intelligence are made to sit around while this happens and clever people have all self esteem ripped out of them. It is believed that school's history went like this- In the Year 1ABC, Lord Napoleon decided it would be a good joke to Happy Slap England, so there was a "Knock up" Between the two countries, England, being shit lost many battles to Napoleon, and lost many 'Hoods. So what they did, was elected Lord Blair and his feared education department to train there troops to be smarter, but instead he spent it on schools for the citizens, the bastard, so then, we kicked his ass, broke his Bike and left him in the AFC's 'hood, and then we told him- "Well son, Death will catch us all one day... He's just coming for you before us, haha!" Then Napoleon died somehow. School is considered a place of complete adult freedom, they put you down they shout they give too much work/homework and then when you take their advice and 'tell the truth' they don't like it!
The purpose of school is to alternately torture and babysit children while their parents are getting shit-faced or promoting their secret prostitution ring... of course this is so obvious it doesn't even need to be stated
Also, once you leave middle school or junior high, you get pulled into a new hell called HIGH SCHOOL. Everyone gives each other swirlies and throws them in dumpster in hope to impressed brainless twits who have nothing better to do but chew their gum loudly and say random stupid things like pie.
“He frequently dazzles me.”
~ Voldemort on Robert Pattinson
[edit] The Torture System!
School is a maximum security prison derived by Noel Brevig (he's an Ass) to keep children depressed and stupid. The prison wardens are known as teachers, whose main job is to suck all the fun and happiness out of children's lives introducing horrible hallucinations, and employing horrible teachers such as Sra. Barker, Mr. Charles (who eats children), Mr.Quinn,Mr. shearn (aka the shearninater. do not challenge him as he is secretly an x terminater and will pwn you at anything. he is currently working at a school called oakbank), Ms. Minick, Mrs. Licurse, Mrs. Talpa, Sra. Perez, Mr. Froggart (you know, the creepy art teacher with a growth on his eyelid?), Mr. Weiland, Mr. Johnson, (currently dating the warden), Ms. Murphy (the only hot 20something), diseased Mr. Delph, Mr Kushkem, Mrs. Gonzalez,Mrs Rita (the fat ass), Ms. Abrahms, superman, Mrs. Froglard( she pulls legs of live frogs and eats them in front of the children, successuflly making them never want to see her or a frog again), and Mr Isard (Who Touches Children and now works in Morrisons), ms. Labonte who is the most odious evil bitch-nazi ever to crawl from the depths of hell, and Randy Rattan, who is under suspicion of being Hitler's football obsessed brother. The school system as seen today was derived from ancient educational systems. In response to the bleakness and sadness of Mars, the ancients invented a form of compulsory education that would require all children born at a very early age to attend a local "educational" establishment that would provide hope, color, happiness and love to all. The initial system was open to only some children, but later opened up to girls, diabetics and teenagers and emos. A shelf system was formed to help structure a dead person's educational progress, consisting of eighteen rungs formed out of French-made British stainless steel. It is also the breeding ground of many large , aquatic animals such as Fish and women.
There is also the most feared type of punishment known only as...the Monaghan. He is the most feared of all teacher creatures, and will attack when provoked. He has been heard to say things such as, "250,000,000 push ups...NOW!" or, "GET OUT OF MY FACE FUCKTARD!"
Alternative forms of indirect punishments are also available in schools. These punishments usually come by the name of "honors", "IB", or "AP". Most of Asians (and surprisingly, some white kids and children from other races) take these punishments as a bliss, and bleed their nose way through just to get As in the courses. To encourage students to sign their way into these tortures, schools award the students who take the honor courses with what's known as "weighted grade", which, most of the time, doesn't work with white kids. Most white kids sit around in class and flip off anyone who bothers them. Unfortuanatley for them, they didn't know how terribly scarred they would be after they got detention with Mrs. Froglard and Mr. Isard. The next time they were seen, they had frogs blood all down their shirts. Ah well.
The teachers at featherstone whip us then touch us. They tell us we should be having fun.
Every one in the above photos should come to QEGS!!!!!!
[edit] Similarities to Prison
The following is a list of similarities between school and prison (which are almost the same):
- School Prison
- Student Prisoner
- Principal/Head Teacher Warden
- Teachers Guards/Officers
- Janitors/Caretakers Rapists and perverts
- Classroom Jail cell
- Playground This is the prison yard, a place where children are beaten to the ground and held down by the weight of several others in time honoured tradition.
- Gym Torture Chamber
- Dining hall Gas Chamber/oven
- Toilets Places where sickening MIT scientists administer the most potent plagues onto innocent students.
- Showers Just like at Auschwitz. Also the place where you get raped by the janitor/caretaker
- School bus (Prison Bus/Slang "Slave Caravan") A large yellow Magic blunt that comes to your house and abducts your children and brings them to a large inescapable building. Mostly full of white kids, and the one black kid.
- Food Like prison food, but worse, much worse. Just like at Treblinka
- C-labBrain washing area.
- Office Electric Chair
- Tech Ed.Like prison, if your good, you get to work at a "job", except in this "job" you work towards cutting off all of your fingers on the band-saw and/or showing off your nerd skills, which in turn gets you beaten up by that kid with 6" thick arms.
[edit] Letter Grades
A system of grades (institutionalized turn-ons) exists to subjugate those brave enough to reject the teacher's soothsayings. To wit:
- A - Asses. These students are sickeningly smart, and wave it in front of all others faces. They will also be the first to die when zombies take over the world. (the invasion will start Thursday)
- B - Bastard. Assigned to those who try really hard to accept the lies but fail anyway.
- C - Cool. As a result of being a member of a clique, the student realizes that only uncool kids get bad grades.
- D - Deadly. Given to students who give other students rat poison.
- F - Fucked up!!!!!. Rarely given. Only for star students, i.e. those who will never go anywhere in the future, unless they want to become president.
If you are an ass 7 out of 8 subjects, you will become the ultimate raped asshole, more commonly known as the "Honor Roll".
School, as we know it today, is divided into different levels which are given numbers in ascending order. These numbers serve a dual purpose: The first being a constant reminder of how many years have been stolen from you by the State. The second (and much more widely recognized and understood) is to give a false sense that you are accomplishing something as you move up the numerical scales when in fact, your life is being slowly and inexorably sucked from your vagina.
The first stage, codenamed half-way house, taught young little bastards false lies, including suggestions that the earth was rectangular, the sky was red, Miley Cyrus is a good singer, and Jesus really was Satan.
The second stage, taught it's inmates that (who are typically between the ages of 11 and 14) "Life is Fantastic" and "All your hopes will come true if you do the Right Thing". These statements are, of course, lies; life was fantastic up until 1913 at which point it degraded into being 'okay', but in 1951 took a massive nosedive and became 'Worthless.'
The third and for some, the final stage of School was codenamed "High" and promote drugs, alcohol, gay masturbation with men, lesbian females, and unprotected sex with fifty year old men. At this stage, most kids tend to become aware that they are being brainwashed and some try to assassinate the president. To counter this, many crack houses have placed machines that dispense coke, marijuana, heroin, LSD, and crystal meth.
In elementary school, (primary school for you Brits) school lunches generally consist of re-heated stuff from Sodexho. However, if your school is one of those fancy prep schools, you are treated to:
- The contents of last week's school dinners
- The dust from the old stock cupboard
- Remains of former students
- Left overs from 4 years ago
- the remains of the fat kid that went missing last week
[edit] Boarding
Just Avoid. Especially those without a viable escape route i.e Those in the mountains or in the middle of fucking nowhere failure to do so will cause:
- Total ass rapge
- All gay acts
- Youll become welsh*
- Youll think that being gay is normal, oh and itss not, you weirdo
[edit] Toilets
Walk into a school toilet and marvel at how the Black Death hasn't returned. Urinals are generally filled with various items, from cakes (actual cakes, not urinal cakes) to coats. Use a jar instead. Commonly used for spontaneous baptismal flushes. Toilets are a great source of information, drawn from the huge amount of graffiti found normally on the back of toilet doors. It is also the only place were children can get fresh water (well I say fresh water, i mean goat urine mixed with water). Whilst children are entering their years of puberty, it is most likely that a toilet is a sanctuary where they can 'jack-off'. On occasions, when entering the toilet, you may be open to fire and hear a large array of graons and moans. As pleasurous as it sounds, one may take the time to join in. As well as being a sanctuary for personal pleasures, many use the toilet to take a large number of shits. Sometimes corny, runny or just fucking long, whatever the shape or size, the toilet is the place to drop the kids off at the pool. And, what up with the fucking kids who don't flush the fucking toilet?? I mean, who really wants to see what you had for dinner last night?
[edit] Teachers
After the Student's Revolt of in 1956 or another, the Coalition of Old People (or COPs as they are affectionately known) became the Teachers' Union. Commonly known as "Satan´s Bitches", their purpose has remained secret for many years. Hence members are generally ignored, spat at, shot at, or cursed at. Some suspect that their pure existence is to drain the life out of the universe, child by child. "Teachers" as known are the worst enemies of students (prisoners) and must be killed.
Teachers are the evil that will take over the world. They also stalk you and watch you when you're changing. Perverts. So every one most fight back and destroy them before they destroy us. Show no mercy because they will give you none.
More recently as a means of gaining children's virginity and encourage gayness among boys, it has been made compulsory that all new female teachers must be very fat and shapely (namely round) and wear low cut dresses or black leather trousers, spanking and sex in the afternoons has also been made compulsory - The Department for Education got the idea from watching Benny Hill. As a result attendance rates have risen hugely amongst homosexuals and now there are problems getting the children to go home.
Interestingly, it has been estimated that around 80% of school teachers posses repetitive flatulence disorder.
[edit] Food
The warden calls school food edible. Old people hand out the rubber pizza and bouncy apples. Kids are forced to eat for 15 minutes and then forced to go outside if you don't have a library safety pass. Some prisoners are kiss asses and tell on other kids for not eating the poison. Those children will make excellent politicians in the future, but they'll need to get an A+++++++++ in drug use class and pussy eating class. The poison is generally sperm, toilet water or any shit that can make a child sick. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 102% pig fat, to ensure heart attacks at young ages.
School french fries do burn quite nicely, however. If you ever need a candle, then go ahead and light one of them on fire. Those things will burn for HOURS!
When food comes to an end, the cook just goes to the toilet and harvest a crop with the shit of the students so everyone gets a good shit burger with shit cheese and shit ketchup and shitty mustard !!!
[edit] Assignments at schools
One of most disgusting things about schools is home assignments, which are like all kinds of dirty work prisoners do while imprisonment. Children are assigned to write a lot of stuff, called term papers, essays, projects, etc. However, those projects may even be bloody, because “prisoners” are sent to special tasks, like James Bond had been sent. However, students are not equipped to survive these assignments, and many do not return. Teachers also assign students to do mathematics tasks, but there is no logic there. And everyone includes photos or posters into folders instead of any written task. That is severely punished but it hardly works, because prisoners have gradually developed immunity over assignments.
The true purpose of these assignments is not to further your learning. It is widely known and accepted that the only reason for these assignments is because your teacher is too lazy/dumb/busy having hot sex with colleagues/being an active member of a teacher's union to teach you anything, and is trying to compromise by having you teach yourself.
So, basically, it's like homeschooling, without your mom
school is an evil organization because of people like Mr. Campbell and Ms. Mareno who like to give people "detention" and give people "private talks" in their office.
[edit] Recess
Recess is the only time to plot your revenge against the bastards that keep you in a fucking room ALL DAY all year long! However, the teachers all take sadistic pleasure in handing out "lunch detention" which is a nice way of saying "Now you don't get to see the light of the sun for another 8 hours... HAHAHAHAHA!!!" The teacher/pervert/pedophile/lawyer* who oversee the detention is stoned out of their skull, and wouldn't notice a small nuclear blast even if he/she was sitting in the middle of it.
So, listen up. Plan with your friends to rid of these bastards. Drop your books simultaniously every ten minutes. You'll drive the teavher/pedophile so insane with the constant book dropping, he will lash out at the closest innocent kid. Or, try throwing paper airplanes at you teacher when their back is turned and pretend the warden did it. IT MIGHT BE YOUR ONLY HOPE TO SURVIVE PRISON!!!
[edit] Uniform
Some schools, usually the shittiest, like to earn some money forcing innocent students into horrible objects made of fabric called 'uniforms'. According to them, a uniform is to unify the school, but it does the opposite. A child's cool rating in the school depends on how skanky their uniform is. Uniforms are also an excuse for teachers to make them feel better by taking pleasure in the misery of others, this is a vicious cycle because when these children grow up they will take the places of their teachers/wardens .
Don't drop the soap
or mr. cacmpbell will come
[edit] False Rumours
- There won't be any piles of shit(stacked atop another) in the toilets...ever.
- Children are locked in school until the end of the day and forced to have lunch with everyone in the room
- School is a euphemism for prison
- Work does bring freedom at school
- Teachers get high from watching students do nothing but work for no reason all day. (I sure would.)
- Recess is a break from work
- School is the same as a bad job. It's not. You can quit a bad job.
- The Teachers are not smoking the weed they took from you after school
- School is a place where you learn things.
- Ashmole is r00n3y. (Why still rooney?)
- Administrator for each computer is l0c4dm (locadm,LOCal Admin)
- It is not better huffing kittens than going to school.
- School food actually tastes good. (Only food stolen from children does, just because it's been stolen.)
- Teachers are actually real people. (Yeah, right...)
- School has the word "cool" in it. You can clearly see that it doesn't.
- Every Friday, children get some extra coal mining time to make up for past errors they may have made. They can no longer do this since the Anthracite Coal Plant incident, in which over 9000 kids were brutally murdered by gun-toting Teletubbies.
- School girls have sex with their teachers to get higher grades. (This is nonsense. All girls are too ugly to have sex with their teachers.)
- Schools actually care about children.
- The tests that we participate in at school thinking it will give us a better brighter future is in fact the government hiring for the CIA.
- (Teacher) "WHERE'S YOUR HOME WORK!!??(Student) ermm..Jesus ate it...(This works trust me)"
- Teachers dislike handing out detentions.(They don't give a damn.)
- Teachers are your friends in learning(What is this guy thinking?)
- Study groups are used as a better access to learning(I think we have a teacher among us)
- "Roast Chicken" at school dinners is made from real chicken rather than beef cooked in chicken fat.
- There's a pool on the third floor.
- Teachers are your friends, they care about you and want to help you learn.
- There is a difference between the regular class and the Honors class. (There isn't. In honors, you just have to do everything fast.)
- Guidance Councelors care about your feelings and what you have to say.
- Teachers are worried about kids who are depressed, otherwise knows as emos.
- School is good.
- School is where small children hide their drugs
- School is where fat kids get laid
- "Detention" is just another word for rape
- Tom Cruise was the creater of School AND scientology
- "Nap Time" doesn't really have anything to do with sleeping. Kids, remember Bad Touch.
- School isn't really drug free the principal is the dealer
- School bathrooms have hidden cameras, have you ever really seen your schools trooper? Hes too busy watching the videos from the bathroom cameras. To make sure school "stays safe"
- Tech Math II is serious business.
[edit] International schools
An international school is a school where they allow people from all different races to attend to, only in order to abuse the ones whom are not white skinned. All children get 4 periods each day. White children get one day of learning about stupid numbers class, Taiwanese, Scientology lessons, and stupid crap about what some guy did 500 years ago class. The next they they get to have black skin torturing class, asian torturing, latino torturing, and the toturing of lepers. White people have a special grading system called the superior grading system which goes like this:
A- asshole who will make lots of cash B- lifeless bastard C- crappy at school D- doesn't know shit F- fucking screwed
the common grades taken are A's of course. As for blacks and others. they get classes like, get tortured class, eat crap class, watch the white people eat class. Their grading system is called the inferior grading syste, which consists of an F like in the superior grading system. These children have no chance of succeeding in life as the international school regime expects them to be. Headmaster of SHITS "south hell's international torture school" Satan says "we take pride in providing the white children of our world in giving them a fabulous education to have them devolop and destroy any non white people who attempt to have jobs." An international school is truly a hell load of bullshit.
[edit] Cedarburg High School
Some of you out there may have heard of Cedarburg High School. If regular schools are prisons, this is the Supermax Prison Facility where all the real garbage resides(*cough* Dr. Kobylski) just like the supermax prison in Colorado today! I mean, if you try to leave class, the "teacher" will either rape you, shank(stab) you, or pop a gat and shoot you in the ass. If you manage to acquire a subsitute (a fancy term for a rookie prison guard) you might leave class unscathed, but then you have the problem of the hall monitors. They are even worse, since they are armed to the teeth with weapons like ka-bar knives, assault rifles, pistols, sawed-off shotguns, colorful and gay shirts, wooden hall passes to beat the students, flamethrowers(for the sick students trying to go home beacuase they are puking blood), and disciplinary referrals. The fucking list goes on and on here. Hall monitors are easily identified by tight, high pants, colorful sweaters, NBC suits(for the flu season), extremely out of date fashions, and dumb expressions on their faces. When you are somehow taken alive by one of them, you get anally raped, and then are taken to Dr. K's office. We have yet to determine what happens then, since no one has left. Look up ADX Florence on Wikipedia and you will see a photo and description of the exact same deal.
[edit] See also
- Stoner High School
- International School of Prague: The "Not-a-Bullshit-International-School-Licensed" school
- Phish
- HowTo:Get Kicked Out of School
- Racist maths
- Prison
- Raffles Institution
- Homework
- Procrastination
- Schoolcruft
- Catholic gradeschool
- Colegio San Agustin-Makati
- Golden Power
- Hell
- Finals
- High school subcultures
- HowTo: Pass English
| Actions of life and death |
|---|
| Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End |
