School
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“I quite enjoyed the floggings.”
~ Oscar Wilde on School
“School Security Agency will solve the problem”
~ Anon
“Fuck dis, i is leavin'”
~ Redneck on School
“I was gonna go to school, but then i got high”
~ Afro-Man on not going to school
“They imprison children at my school'”
~ Taco56
Once there was a life, then there was school.
Contents |
[edit] History
The school system as seen today was derived from ancient educational systems. In response to the bleakness and sadness of Mars, the ancients invented a form of compulsory education that would require all children born at a very early age to attend a local "educational" establishment that would provide hope, color, happiness and love to all. The initial system was open to only some children, but later opened up to girls, diabetics and teenagers and emos. A shelf system was formed to help structure a dead person's educational progress, consisting of eighteen rungs formed out of French-made British stainless steel. It is also the breeding ground of many large , aquatic animals such as Fish and women.
[edit] Similarities to Prison
The following is a list of similarities between school and prison :
- School Prison
- Student Prisoner
- Principal/Head Teacher Warden
- Teachers Guards/Officers
- Janitors/Caretakers Rapists and perverts
- Classroom Jail cell
- Playground This is the prison yard, a place where children are beaten to the ground and held down by the weight of several others in time honoured tradition. (or Raped by bigger guys)
- Gym Torture Chamber
- Field Trips - Parole
- Dining hall Gas Chamber/oven
- Toilets Places where sickening MIT scientists administer the most potent plagues onto innocent students.
- Showers Just like at Auschwitz. Also the place where you get raped by the janitor
- School bus (Prison Bus/Slang "Slave Caravan") A large yellow Magic blunt that comes to your house and abducts your children and brings them to a large inescapable building.
- Food Peed on horse shit
- C-lab Brainwashing area.
- Office Electric Chair
- Tech Ed. Like prison, if you're good, you get to work at a "job", except in this "job" you work towards cutting off all of your fingers and toes and limbs and hair on the band-saw and/or showing off your nerd skills, which in turn gets you beaten up by that kid with 16" thick arms.
- Science Lab Like a prison, a place where horrific experiments are carried out on subjects.
[edit] The difference between the local school and local prison
The phone number and address. Art Room- Plac where they torture u with colourful things to put on papers USING HAIRY STICKS*YUUCCCK*
- cough* NOTHING *cough*
NOTHING I TELL YOU NOTHING!?
[edit] Letter Grades
A system of grades (institutionalized turn-ons) exists to subjugate those brave enough to reject the teacher's sooth-sayings. To wit:
- S - Super Asses Same as the one below ..
- A - Asses. These students are sickeningly smart, and wave it in front of all others faces. They will also be the first to die when zombies take over the world (the invasion will start Thursday).
- B - Bastard. Assigned to those who try really hard to accept the lies but fail anyway.
- C - Cool. As a result of being a member of a clique, the student realizes that only uncool kids get bad grades.
- D - Deadly. Given to students who give other students rat poison.
- F- Fucked up!!!!!. Rarely given. Only for star students, i.e. those who will never go anywhere in the future, unless they want to become president.
If you are an ass 7 out of 8 subjects, you will become the ultimate raped asshole, more commonly known as the "Honor Roll".
School, as we know it today, is divided into different levels which are given numbers in ascending order. These numbers serve a dual purpose: The first being a constant reminder of how many years have been stolen from you by the State. The second (and much more widely recognized and understood) is to give a false sense that you are accomplishing something as you move up the numerical scales when in fact, your life is being slowly and inexorably sucked from your left nostril.
The first stage, codenamed half-way house, taught young little bastards false lies, including suggestions that the earth was rectangular, the sky was red, Miley Cyrus is a good singer, and Jesus really wasn't Satan.
The second stage, taught its inmates (who are typically between the ages of 11 and 14) that "Life is Fantastic" and "All your hopes will come true if you do the Right Thing". These statements are, of course, lies; life was fantastic up until 1913 at which point it degraded into being 'okay', but in 1951 took a massive nosedive and became 'Worthless.'
The third and for some, the final stage of School was codenamed "High" and promote drugs, alcohol, gay masturbation with men, lesbian females, and unprotected sex with fifty year old men. At this stage, most kids tend to become aware that they are being brainwashed and some try to assassinate the president. To counter this, many crack houses have placed machines that dispense coke, marijuana, heroin, LSD, and crystal meth.
In elementary school, (primary school for you Brits) school lunches generally consist of re-heated stuff from Sodexho. However, if your school is one of those fancy prep schools, you are treated to:
- The contents of last week's school dinners
- The dust from the old stock cupboard
- Remains of former students
- Left-overs from 4 years ago
- The remains of the fat kid that went missing last week
[edit] Toilets
Walk into a school toilet and marvel at how the Black Death hasn't returned. Urinals are generally filled with various items, from cakes (actual cakes, not urinal cakes) to coats. Use a jar instead. Commonly used for spontaneous baptismal flushes. Toilets are a great source of information, drawn from the huge amount of graffiti found normally on the back of toilet doors. It is also the only place were children can get fresh water (well I say fresh water, I mean goat urine mixed with water). Whilst children are entering their years of puberty, it is most likely that a toilet is a sanctuary where they can 'jack-off'. On occasions, when entering the toilet, you may be open to fire and hear a large array of groans and moans. As pleasurable as it sounds, one may take the time to join in. As well as being a sanctuary for personal pleasures, many use the toilet to take a large number of shits. Sometimes corny, runny or just fucking long, whatever the shape or size, the toilet is the place to drop the kids off at the pool.
[edit] Teachers
After the Student's Revolt of in 1956 or another, the Coalition of Old People (or COPs as they are affectionately known) became the Teachers' Union. Commonly known as "Satan´s Bitches", their purpose has remained secret for many years. Hence members are generally ignored, spat at, shot at, or cursed at. Some suspect that their pure existence is to drain the life out of the universe, child by child. "Teachers" as known are the worst enemies of students (prisoners) and must be killed.
Interestingly, it has been estimated that around 80% of school teachers posses repetitive flatulence disorder.
[edit] Food
The poison is generally sperm or toilet water. To disguise the true contents of the food, it is all thoroughly deep fried in 102% pig fat, to ensure heart attacks at young ages.
School french fries do burn quite nicely, however. If you ever need a candle, then go ahead and light one of them on fire. Those things will burn for HOURS!
When food comes to an end, the cook just goes to the toilet and harvest a crop with the shit of the students so everyone gets a good shit burger with shit cheese and shit ketchup.
[edit] Assignments at schools
Children are assigned to write a lot of stuff, called term papers, essays, projects, etc. However, those projects may even be bloody, because “prisoners” are sent to special tasks, like James Bond had been sent. However, students are not equipped to survive these assignments, and many do not return. Teachers also assign students to do mathematics tasks, but there is no logic there. And everyone includes photos or posters into folders instead of any written task. That is severely punished but it hardly works, because prisoners have gradually developed immunity over assignments.
[edit] False Rumours
- There won't be any piles of shit (stacked atop another) in the toilets...ever.
- Recess is a break from work
- Huffing kittens is not better than going to school.
- There's a pool on the third floor right by the elevator.
- There is a third floor.
- There is an elevator.
- School is good.
- School is where small children hide their drugs. (Oh wait... that one is actually true!)
- School is where fat kids get laid.
- Tech Math II is serious business.
[edit] The Value of School
Don't be stupid. There is no value.
[edit] See also
- Stoner High School
- Phish
- Prison
- Homework
- Procrastination
- Schoolcruft
- Colegio San Agustin-Makati
- Hell
- Finals
| Actions of life and death |
|---|
| Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End |
