Schrödinger's cat
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CAT WANTED DEAD AND ALIVE
“This is not here. And neither is the cat.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Schrödinger's cat
| FNORD! This article is too close to the TRUTH! Citizens should begin to feel uneasy now, otherwise report for therapy. See more about Fnord. |
Contents |
Schrödinger
Schrödinger (distantly related to Schrodinger) was a research chemist based in the leafy hamlet of Birmingham, England. He became famous in the early 1970s for his invention of the umlaut (disputed). Later that decade he was charged of neglecting the 4th of the animal rights (that is, Cats have the right to exist). Schrödinger was blamed due to his activity in the Human vs. Kitten War and sent to prison in 1981. Here, Schrödinger died, then he didn't, then he did again in a bizarre throat warbling accident in 1982. Some speculate it was a suicide, and that Schrödinger just couldn't take his cat (or lack there of) being more famous than him.
His Cat
 | Schrödinger's cat status: DEAD |
Schrödinger's Cat is a particularly strong type of cat, used in Kitten Huffing. The chemical process for producing such a cat involves rolling a cat in a mixture (two parts crack cocaine to one part Angel Dust), allowing to stand in a metallic box with a an unsealed radiation source, such as an Xbox 360, 'tween life and death for three days. In order to huff Schrödinger's cat you first have to figure out if it's dead, or has gotten really good at Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball before opening the box.
The sensations associated with prolonged use of Schrödinger's Cat is akin to the similtaneous slamming of both the subjects head and genitals in a fridge door. There is also a lingering taste of almonds.
WARNING: Drugs are bad, kids. Just say no!
Quantum Physics
 | Schrödinger's cat status: ALIVE |
Schrödinger's cat has absolutely nothing to do with Quantum. This is a myth that dates back to high school (the time between gibbous moon and fourth down), which says that Schrödinger used his cat in Physics experiments in his laboratory to explain a contradiction in the Wave-Particle Duality theories.
It is widely known, however, that Schrödinger did not condone the use of cats in the laboratory, preferring instead the carcass of the common vole, musk beetle, president or Brontosaurus.
Schrödinger's cat in classical culture
| Schrödinger's cat status: CONFUSED AS TO WHETHER IT IS ALIVE OR DEAD |
Schrödinger's cat has been a subject of many famous works. The poem by Cecil Adams, based on real letters of 07 May 1982 and widely published, depicts in an epic form...
The story of Schrödinger's cat
- Dear Cecil:
- Cecil, you're my final hope
- Of finding out the true Straight Dope
- For I have been reading of Schrödinger's cat
- But none of my cats are at all like that.
- This unusual animal (so it is said)
- Is simultaneously live and dead!
- What I don't understand is just why he
- Can't be one or other, unquestionably.
- My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
- In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't.
- If you understand, Cecil, then show me the way
- And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
- But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
- Then I will and won't see you in Schrödinger's zoo.
- --Randy F., Chicago
- Dear Randy
- Schrödinger, Erwin! Professor of physics!
- Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics!
- (Not bad, eh? Don't worry. This part of the verse
- Starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse.)
- Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented
- By Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented.
- What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, "Don't panic,
- No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic.
- Consider electrons. Now, these teeny articles
- Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles.
- If that's not confusing, the nuclear dance
- Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance!
- No sweat, though--my theory permits us to judge
- Where some of 'em is and the rest of 'em was."
- Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck
- The comforting linkage of cause and effect.
- E'en Einstein had doubts, and so Schrödinger tried
- To tell him what quantum mechanics implied.
- Said Win to Al, "Brother, suppose we've a cat,
- And inside a tube we have put that cat at--
- Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos,
- A bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes
- (Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got 'em,
- One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom
- Or atom--whatever--but when it emits,
- A trigger device blasts the vial into bits
- Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime
- Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
- The cylinder's sealed. The hour's passed away. Is
- Our pussy still purring--or pushing up daisies?
- Now, you'd say the cat either lives or it don't
- But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won't.
- Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke),
- Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked.
- To some this may seem a ridiculous split,
- But quantum mechanics must answer, "Tough @#&!
- We may not know much, but one thing's fo' sho':
- There's things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
- Shine light on electrons--you'll cause them to swerve.
- The act of observing disturbs the observed--
- Which ruins your test. But then if there's no testing
- To see if a particle's moving or resting
- Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
- We know probability--certainty, never.'
- The effect of this notion? I very much fear
- 'Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear.
- Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports,
- "We've just flipped a coin and we've learned he's a corpse."'
- So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, "You're nuts.
- God doesn't play dice with the universe, putz.
- I'll prove it!" he said, and the Lord knows he tried--
- In vain--until fin'ly he more or less died.
- Win spoke at the funeral: "Listen, dear friends,
- Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends.
- Though he doubted my theory, I'll say of this saint:
- Ten-to-one he's in heaven--but five bucks says he ain't."
False Rumours
- This article is NOT pretentious bollocks
- This article could NOT bore all 4 legs off a cat which we don't know whether he's alive or not
- This article is NOT designed to alienate normal people who aren't too smart for their own good
- Schrödinger's Cat does NOT appear in the band Dead Or Alive alongside Pete Burns
- Schrödinger's Cat will NOT invite you back round to his for a seance
- Schrödinger did NOT hide the evidence of his dead cat by eating it
- Schrödinger's Cat's bodily fluids do NOT mix to produce deadly poisons
Undeniable Truths
- Everytime you masturbate Schrodinger may or may not kill a cat.
- In Soviet Russia...Schrödinger's Cat huffs GRUE!
- If the Cat was put in a box with Chuck Norris, the cat can be considered both Dead and Dying at the same time.
The lawsuit and counter quantum lawsuit
Maybe the most confusing lawsuits ever. To resolve it, Copenhagen interpretation was necessary, even though nothing took place in the capital of Denmark. In early May 1935 the animal rights activists in Ireland stole one of Schrödinger's cats, because they saw it being put in a box seemingly with no airholes. As they opened the box the cat was already dead. They filed a lawsuit. Schrödinger was now accused of catslaughter. Schrödinger did a counter lawsuit for stealing property and quantum catslaughter. Schrödinger claimed he had nothing to do with the death of the cat but he mearly had it in a quantum state. "That makes the cat highly sensitive to observation. Looks are literally lethal" was his words. Many mumbo jumbo speaches from people from mental institution with the science fiction syndrom was heard. This was first meant as an attempt to see if Schrödinger could plee for insanity. But a change in strategy became apparent as the defence could see how fascinated the jury became when someone rambled about some M-theory (now more known as the G-String theory) with small female underware (strings). It was an awsome erotic story in eleven dimensions, consuming most of the time in court. Unfortunately, it didn't work. The jury found Schrödinger guilty of abusing the cat sexually and the animal rights group were found guilty of shocking the cat to death by peeking in while it was most aroused. The appeals all got the same verdict, since the higher courthouses didn't understand squat of the cases.
See also
