Scientology

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YOU WERE NOT THERE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE INTERVIEW! This article contains material that may cause you to start screaming.

This article is about the religion cult religion scam. You may actually be looking for the space opera on which the religion is based. You might also be looking for the popular zombie sex position. Please be aware that Scientology's beliefs are so absurd to begin with, that writing an Uncyclopedia article about it is a massively difficult undertaking.

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Whoops! Were you looking for Bullshit? Cuz you just found it."

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“Something tells me I need to give these people another volcano bath.”

~ Xenu on Scientologists

“Scientologists believe in crazy things”

~ Captain Obvious on Scientologists

“Scientologists believe in crazy things”

~ Captain Understatement on Scientologists

“For once, I have nothing to say.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scientology

“I wreck the universe and no one gives a crap, but he throws people into volcanoes and gets a religion of his own?!”

~ Q on Xenu

“That bastard brought great shame to my good name!”

~ L on L. Ron Hubbard

“Tom Cruise is the only downer stupid enough to believe in this shit!”

~ Spongebob Squarepants on Tom Cruise

Scientology (alternative spelling: $¢i€₦₮o£o₲¥, just call it a cult) is an amusing pseudo-scientific practice of self improvement developed by Old Mother Hubbard, a Science Fiction writer who realized that all science fiction is in fact memories of a past life, and so dedicated himself to writing down anything that came into his head, knowing that it would reflect reality. In this way, he made a series of remarkable discoveries (aided by the monkeys on a typewriter project), prime among them that every evil in existence on earth society stems from the influence of thetans, or leprechauns, which follow people about their whole life and can only be removed by the shedding of large quantities of gold. The religion cult is so laughable, we could probably put the real story behind it in here, and it would still be fucking hilarious.

Scientologists believe that an evil alien of Michael Moore proportions killed a shit of pussy aliens that couldn't find their assholes if their lives depended upon it(which they do, in case you were wondering). Most of these aliens lived next to nuclear power plants and had multiple orifices on their faces most of them would excrete a gelatin like substance like yello and they would use this to build their huts for their civilizations. The pussy ass aliens couldn't fend off Michael Moore so they came to earth and sought out Tom Cruise to lead their civilization. He gladly accepted and now he is crazy as all hell. The End.

The organization helps people achieve the goal of shedding their thetans by leading them through a series of stages, or "levels" (often abbreviated lvl). On achieving lvl20, a Scientologist sheds his body thetans and gains Super Strength, Invulnerability, Invisibility, the ability to Fly, Immortality and Heat Rays that come out of his ass. There is an apparent lvl21 but no one has reached it because no one has found the Magestaff with +6 'give money to go on the big ship' skill. Also, at this point the $cientologist is taught the Super Hidden Secret.

Followers of $cientology are scientists, not to be confused with scientologists.

Also, Tom Cruise is heterosexual.^[1] He is also believed to be the secret love child between L'ron Hubbourd and George Michael. (This exclusively written in the secret book of Scientology)^[2]

The truth is funnier than anything we can make up. Really. Therefore, we at Uncyclopedia have surrendered to this fact and have reproduced the Xenu story, unabridged, unedited, in its entirety, exactly as presented on South Park.

Seriously, Just read it on Wikipedia.

A LONG, LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY...

Seventy-five million years ago, Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as Teegeeack. The planets were overpopulated, each having on average 178 billion people. The Galactic Confederacy's civilization was comparable to our own, with people "walking around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they wear this very minute" and using cars, trains and boats looking exactly the same as those "circa 1950, 1960" on Earth.

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of "renegades", he defeated the populace and the "Loyal Officers", a force for good that was opposed to Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of people to paralyze them with injections of alcohol and glycol, under the pretense that they were being called for "income tax inspections". The kidnapped populace was loaded into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). The space planes were exact copies of Douglas DC-8s, "except the DC-8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't." DC-8s have jet engines, not propellers, although Hubbard may have meant the turbine fans.

When the space planes had reached Teegeeack/Earth, the paralyzed people were unloaded and stacked around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. Hydrogen bombs were lowered into the volcanoes, and all were detonated simultaneously. Only a few people's physical bodies survived. Hubbard described the scene in his film script, Revolt in the Stars:

“Simultaneously, the planted charges erupted. Atomic blasts ballooned from the craters of Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, Etna, and many, many others. Arching higher and higher, up and outwards, towering clouds mushroomed, shot through with flashes of flame, waste and fission. Great winds raced tumultuously across the face of Earth, spreading tales of destruction. Debris-studded, and sickly yellow, the atomic clouds followed close on the heels of the winds. Their bow-shaped fronts encroached inexorably upon forest, city and mankind, they delivered their gifts of death and radiation. A skyscraper, tall and arrow-straight, bent over to form a question mark to the very idea of humanity before crumbling into the screaming city below...”

~ L. Ron Hubbard, Revolt in the Stars treatment

The now-disembodied victims' souls, which Hubbard called thetans, were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu's forces using an "electronic ribbon" ("which also was a type of standing wave") and sucked into "vacuum zones" around the world. The hundreds of billions of captured thetans were taken to a type of cinema, where they were forced to watch a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days. This implanted what Hubbard termed "various misleading data"' (collectively termed the R6 implant) into the memories of the hapless thetans, "which has to do with God, the Devil, space opera, etcetera". This included all world religions, with Hubbard specifically attributing Roman Catholicism and the image of the Crucifixion to the influence of Xenu. The interior decoration of "all modern theaters" is also said by Hubbard to be due to an unconscious recollection of Xenu's implants. The two "implant stations" cited by Hubbard were said to have been located on Hawaii and Las Palmas in the Canary Islands.

In addition to implanting new beliefs in the thetans, the images deprived them of their sense of personal identity. When the thetans left the projection areas, they started to cluster together in groups of a few thousand, having lost the ability to differentiate between each other. Each cluster of thetans gathered into one of the few remaining bodies that survived the explosion. These became what are known as body thetans, which are said to be still clinging to and adversely affecting everyone except those Scientologists who have performed the necessary steps to remove them.

The Loyal Officers finally overthrew Xenu and locked him away in a mountain, where he was imprisoned forever by a force field powered by an eternal battery. (Some have suggested that Xenu is imprisoned on Earth in the Pyrenees, but Hubbard merely refers to "one of these planets" [of the Galactic Confederacy]; he does, however, refer to the Pyrenees as being the site of the last operating "Martian report station", which is probably the source of this particular confusion.^[3]) Teegeeack/Earth was subsequently abandoned by the Galactic Confederacy and remains a pariah "prison planet" to this day, although it has suffered repeatedly from incursions by alien "Invader Forces" since that time.

Contents 1 What Really Happened to Xenu 2 Proof of scientology (proves it's bull) 2.1 1. The space planes 2.2 2. Teegeeack 2.3 3. The Scientology cross, Zen and Other Monkology 2.4 4. The alien culture 2.5 5. Complex plot element: 2.6 6. The "Supreme Being". 2.7 7. The word "Scientology". 2.8 8. The cure for scientology. 3 Some jokes 4 Methods 4.1 BS-meter 4.2 eL(Ron)grams 4.3 Audition 4.4 Disconnection 4.5 Suppressive-Bastardisation 4.6 Study Tech 4.7 Final Boss 4.8 Bonus round 5 The Battle of Tom Travolta 6 Random Trivia 7 Disclaimer 8 The Psychiatrist Conspiracy 9 Footnotes 10 See Also 11 External Links

[edit] What Really Happened to Xenu

Xenu, getting tired of being imprisoned on fair Teegeeack, decided to get a buzz from an E-Meter. When he found himself being unsatisfied, he decided to masturbate and promote himself to OT-III and thus get himself to relieve himself of his own engrams. Since money wasn't invented yet, he couldn't pay himself $5,000, and thus couldn't go ahead with his own procedure. So he headed to Greece and found someone else who had a name that sounded oddly familiar. He was, however, dumped because his relationship with her offended a woman who also loved her. From then on, Xenu the Alien E.T. refused to have anything to do with Xena the Warrior Princess. Xenu was last seen giving Flash Gordon a load of grief. Tut tut, naughty Xenu.

[edit] Proof of scientology (proves it's bull)

$cientology has unfairly come under a large amount of criticism in the past, famously because of the whole "L. Ron Hubbard writing whatever comes into his head" thing. However, as proponents of $cientology frequently point out, this is clearly untrue because no-one could possibly come up with the ideas he had through imagination alone.

[edit] 1. The space planes

Would you have been able to think this up? No, of course not. Unless of course you are a science fiction author...but seriously, a monkey with a terrible masturbation problem that had a typewriter in front of it could come up with something more complex.

[edit] 2. Teegeeack

This name, as frequently mentioned, is completely alien in sound and nothing like anything in any human language, unless you consider T.G.I. to be a word. Some people claim it sounds like the german word "Teegebäck", but these are just rumors created by SPs.

I mean, isn't it amazing that the aliens have a language that's pronounciable, even in approximations, when written in english letters? Not even chinese is that easy!

[edit] 3. The Scientology cross, Zen and Other Monkology

This arcane symbol is unexplained, but surely has some great symbolic significance. Definitely not to be confused with the Christian cross. Even though it's exactly the same but with some extra pointy things on it.

In fact, the extra pointy things, starting with the top and moving clockwise, symbolize brainwashing, legal harassment, smear tactics, blackmail and kitten huffing, the five principle weapons of the Church. Many people have drawn much significance from the fact that the fifth pointy thing is invisible, and this unique aspect of the symbol has fascinated iconographers for years. Some people insist that invisible elements have no place on symbols, and are in any case irrelevant; Still others believe that the fifth pointy thing suggests a Zen influence. Most Zen masters disagree, citing a koan from the fourteenth century:

Two monks argued about a Scientology cross.
One said: "The wind is not moving"
The Other Monk said: "The cross is not moving"
A passing patriarch noticed the two monks arguing, and said:
"In soviet Russia,Scientology worships you!"
He then grabbed them, and beat the monks over the head. 
The blows were so great that the men lost all faculty of reason.(and brain) 
Soon afterwards, they chose to convert to Scientology (and were eaten by crazy russian).
At this moment, Oscar Wilde attained enlightenment(homersexuality). Nobody cared.

It is noteworthy that this quote is apocryphal. Everything you ever read is apocryphal. 

The veracity of the final line in this koan is widely disputed, but universally held to be very, very Zen. Veracities of lines are always very Zen.

A sect of Buddhism exists called Other Monkology, which worships Tom Cruise. Members of this sect believe that Cruise is the ninth reincarnation of the Other Monk, not to be confused with One, which is the number that comes after two, at least in the context of the koan. Other Monkologists once worshiped John Travolta, before he played a 300 pound woman in a movie based on a musical based on a movie. Travolta's decision to do this brought his bad judgment into question, as his choice was by all accounts and admirable one.

[edit] 4. The alien culture

“The Galactic Confederacy's civilization was comparable to our own, with people "walking around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they wear this very minute" and using cars, trains and boats looking exactly the same as those "circa 1950, 1960" on Earth.”

~ Excerpt from Wikipedia

Truely, equal in its bafflingness to the aforementioned space planes. This concept needs no discussion... for god's sake just read it on Wikipedia.)

[edit] 5. Complex plot element:

“Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions.”

~ Exerpt from Wikipedia

NO WAY!!

...Um, hasn't the whole "apocalypse by overpopulation" scare gone out of fashion already?

I say he should have killed people because they were contributing to global warming.

SO yesterday.

[edit] 6. The "Supreme Being".

They believe that you have a soul and when you die, it orbits Jupiter until it finds a mate of Earth. Then it will be forever happy somewhere out there. They also believe that global warming is caused by the global decrease in the number of Pirates. They've even gone so far as to make graphs depicting the number of pirates vs. the increase in heat across the globe. The Church in all actuality, swear to the fact that God is actually a flying Spaghetti Monster. When you go to Heaven, or what they believe is Heaven, the place is full of Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories. And furthermore, you know that famous painting that Da Vinci (or it might have been Michealangelo) did where it depicts God pointing down from the heavens, and there's Adam pointing back and they're almost touching index fingers? (Both naked. But damn! God has one nice beard) Well the Church of Scientology re-did that. They cut out God, and put the Flying Spaghetti Monster there. And Adam is about to touch one of his noodles. The caption reads: "Touched by his noodly appendage." He, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is shown to have a mssive bunch of spaghetti for his body, and two giant meatballs in him. He is said to have made first the mountains, then trees, and then a midget.

[edit] 7. The word "Scientology".

“I have always found that Scientology has way too many letters in it. Though it does lack an 'X'.”

~ Captain Obvious on The word "Scientology"

The name stems from "science", meaning "Science", and the suffix "ology" meaning "science of", because of the fact that L. Ron Hubbard's methods of garnering information were so scientific the word science in and of itself would be an understatement. As a consequence, under no circumstances should anyone think critically of it, for to do so would be to incur the wrath of reality itself. Well, it sure is a good thing that L. Ron Hubbard died.

At the centre of much moral debates is another, 2nd definition of it. The following definitions have all found its place in the one word; Scientology

Sci - Latin for Profitering. Ent - Latin for Global Domination. Ol - Latin for Faeces. Ogy - Latin for Everything About This Is Utter Nonsense And Is Just A Publicity Stunt Used By Religiously Indecisive Celebrities To Gain More Publicity So They Should All Die.

[edit] 8. The cure for scientology.

A daily round of electroshock therapy. Twice a day for Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Note this cure also doubles as a cure for homosexuality.

[edit] Some jokes

We at Uncyclopedia realize that this has been an uncomfortably serious article up to this point, so, to break the tension, here are some jokes.

"Scientology Is A Completely True Religion!"

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Q: Why did the scientologist cross the road?

A: If I could work out why the hell he chose to become scientologist, then I might feel qualified to comment on the finer points of what motivates him to do things.

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Q: What did the scientologist say when he stepped into a large dump of bullsh*t?

A: Aah.. feels like....Life!

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A rabbi, a priest, an imam and a lawyer (Scientology priest) all walk into a bar, seemingly able to set aside their obvious differences, even in these religiously tense times, to get together for a beer and a game of pool. The lawyer poisons their drinks and takes their money. No punchline here.

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Two Scientologists walk into a bar, and promptly explode. Not a joke, just a wish.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Scientologist with a guy with a psychosis that causes him to lie, murder, cheat and steal without a care for any suffering it may cause others?

A: A liar, murderer, cheat, and thief who doesn't give a damn about the suffering his actions may cause others, who may also exhibit signs of psychosis.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Scientologist with a guy with a psychosis that causes him to lie, murder, cheat and steal without a care for any suffering it may cause others?

A: Two Scientologists.

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Q: What do you call 15 Scientologists in the back of a pick-up?

A: A good day's hunting.

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Q: How many scientologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Too many. If any. Though, they're probably trailing you for not paying them to "teach" you how to do it...

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Q: What do you call a scientologist with a can of petrol?

A: I don't have time to finish the joke, someone get a f***ing match!

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Q: How many Scientologists does it take to denounce you for going under psychiatric care?

A: They are already on their way to your house to call you a moron for even considering, smash you in the face with a ball peen hammer, tell you that your pain is caused by thetans, and offer to help you for no less than 400,000 Woolongs.

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2 Scientologists were playing Hide And Seek. When they located a cult member, they'd shout "Now I've Xenu

[edit] Methods

[edit] BS-meter

$cientologists first find recruiting potentials on streets using a device called the BS-meter. The device measures the quantity of bullshit of the candidate. It also conducts a credit check on the applicant. The product of these two factors is called the "thetan level".

If the thetan level is acceptably high the $cientologists invite the candidate to make an Audition.

You can make your own BS Meter by taking a Voltmeter and writing "BS Meter" on it in felt tip pen, and then mailing off $1300 to the "Church".

[edit] eL(Ron)grams

eL(Ron)grams are the $cientology equivalent of cooties. $cientologists blame everything wrong with a person on how loud the mother was in giving birth. Only babies born through Silent Virgin Births are free from eL(Ron)grams, even though a virgin birth is impossible unless you're Mary, and a silent birth is just foolishness, (Hey Hub, Why don't you try pulling an apple out of your penis and see if your silent then, eh?) not to mention the fact that the baby can't remember ANYTHING until it's 2 years old. $cientology says, "that words should be avoided because any words used during birth might be reassociated by adults with their earlier traumatic birth experience", if a silent birth should occur, then silence would be reassociated with trauma. Had El Ron Hubbard been born in time to invent $cientology for the masses, the world today would be a better place.

Note: Your bank accounts contain trace amounts of eL(Ron)grams. You must go to the nearest $cientology Celebrity Centre (Center is not pretentious enough to lure celebrities) to have it laundered.

[edit] Audition

The Audition is pretty much like a psychiatry session: the $cientologist, as patient, reveals his secrets to another $cientologist, as the listener. The listener records all the secrets, so that they can blackmail the patient if he tries to leave the Church. Which he will if he has more than 3 brain cells.

Sometimes they blackmail other $cientologists just for the fun of it. They're cool like that.

[edit] Disconnection

The $cientologist is forbidden to talk with all non-$cientologists, because all non-$cientologist are children of Satan. (Satan himself is not a $cientologist or so they say)

[edit] Suppressive-Bastardisation

When a $cientologist tries to leave the church, or if someone criticizes the church's doctrine, he is considered a Suppressive Bastard. It's generally considered to be really embarrassing to be a Suppressive Bastard, and many people jump off tall buildings without any witnessess or sue themselves for enough money to irrigate the Sudan out of shame.

$cientologists believe that they can win any argument with a Suppressive Bastard by asking if he has stopped raping babies, burning puppies, or fisting their mother, knowing that any reply would be incriminating. Scientologist Jenna Elfman was so effective at the "have you stopped raping babies?" defense that her TV sitcom Courting Alex (in which she played a lawyer) was renamed Raping Babies. It subsequently won several awards.

[edit] Study Tech

The $cientologist evolve in $cientology hierarchy by completing study techs. Successful completion of each level requires only two things; 1d20 and huge amounts of money (enlightenment which can be achieved through robbing a bank or making box office movies).

[edit] Final Boss

The final boss of Scientology is a powered up version of Lord Xenu. In order to reach the final boss fight a Scientologist must be at least OT Level 56 and its recommended that you have at least a full set of Plasma Armour, a full Rogue outfit, 500 Gorgnak Arrows, a swift melee weapon and the ability to go beyond Super Saiyan. Upon defeating Xenu, a player is granted access to the end credits of Scientology and can find out the TRUE story about Xenu and your mother (you're considered to be 'old enough' at this time).

However, you can just do some crazy dances early in your game ("Cheat Activated" will be shown at upper right hand corner in your sight upon succession in doing the right moves, which involves turning around, jumping and changing your item in hand to another) to skip the troubles of fighting Xenu and blah blah blah. This dance will grant you access to a computer somewhere in your mom's room (where she gets paid to sleep with someone), which lets you read and watch everything about $cientology (including the credits!!!!!!!) via Wikipedia and YouTube!!! Isn't it just great that some supreme beings put this trick into our life?

Also you will be able to replay the game in Tom Cruise Mode [Everything is Pink]after completing the game once.

[edit] Bonus round

You get a lobotomy. If you can still add two simple digits, you get the exclusive prize of a second one.

[edit] The Battle of Tom Travolta

After it was revealed that the Scientologists had recovered an alien craft inside the north pole, they quickly began an invasion of the United States with the support of North Korea and Russia. After a month, the Scientologists had overtaken the entire North American continent, converting its population into mindless drones nicknamed 'Scientologists' (slang for Bat Fuck Insanologists) by the few survivors. After successfully combining the DNA of a dead alien, Tom Cruise and John Travolta into a new biological super weapon, the Chinese Empire and Sort of Union of Europe stepped in. Nuclear weapons were used to destroy the scientologist churches across the US and all followers of the cult were shot on sight. It was not until Vladimir Putin defeated the new super alien that hostilities were officially declared over. For more information, read 'The Jewish-Scientologist conspiracy' by A. Nazi and 'How the West was Lost to Tom' by Ned Attention.

[edit] Random Trivia

• An internet rumor that Scientology is basically worshipping aliens has been proven true. L. Gay Hubbard was so enthralled by the movie E.T that he became convinced that E.T was some kind of god figure. Therefore Steven Spielberg is the real leader of Scientologists everywhere. Conversely, plans for a passion of the gray man is planned for a 2010 release date.

• Scientology has also been rumored to be based upon 9 magic alien pineapples that formed the earth, around the time that Tom Cruise saved the world with his steadily declining acting ability in the War of The Worlds, yet this theory is disproven because everyone knows that L. Ron Hubbard built Tom Cruise in his cubbard.

• scientology is not a lie. ever.unless you are tom cruise. but at that point, you can already walk through walls and feast on the souls of less expierienced nork-naks. please send 5000$ to the Spildormatad (or the cool word for church of sir hubbard the second-forth.)

• At level OT 50, Scientologists gain the ability to wield the +7 Laser Sword and Magic Chain Mail Cuirass. At this point, they win the internets.

• To gain 10 OT levels press UP DOWN UP DOWN UP LEFT UP RIGHT and then hold START and the X button on the title screen.

• 75% of scientologist have severe mental retardation, the other 25% are just stoners....

• A common favourite past-time of a $cientologist involves sueing people who call "the cult" a religion.

• The Galactic Confederacy's history is not revealed to Scientologists until they reach the level of OT 60. Once achieving this level, you must either plod along pwning noobs/non-Scientologits for the rest of your life, or shell out another couple of million in order to access the previously unheard of cap of OT 70. However, due to the immense amount of time/money/idiocy required to reach this new cap, only Tom Cruise will ever succeed.

• Before a Scientologist becomes a man he must swear his allegiance to Dumbledore, who was Xenu's biatch.

• The Scientology expansion pack, Xenu's Fury, will make its appearance next summer, and will solve many of the previous bugs, such as free thought of converts and the issue of celebrity defamation, and will add several new sets of weapons, armour and maps. Your sphere of influence is now larger, and you can now recharge your mana points by speaking to Oprah in the Valley of the Thetans.

• A future scientologist can be determined by scanning an unborn child. If the child has no backbone, the child will make a frowning face whenever hearing Scientology jokes in the outside world. Scientologists are known to have no backbone, threatening to sue even the funniest Scientologist joke and only laugh if they win the lawsuit. A backbone transplant is a mandatory cure.

• Rumor has it the secret ending of "$cientology" is so spectacular, so mind-bogglingly fantastic, that packs of lawyers have been unleashed for the sole, indispensable purpose of generally suing the pants off anyone wishing to prospectively spoil it.

• In the basement of its L.A. lair, $cientology keeps packs of rabid attack lawyers, raised on beatings and the rare scraps of live human beings. $cientology releases these lawyers whenever it feels someone is making fun of it. Luckily, Uncyclopedia has a reputation for pure impassionate factual accuracy, and can be coerced with bribes. Wikipedia was not so lucky.

• $cientologists will play an important role in helping George W. Bush take his presidency back in 2010.

• The scientologist priests are known as lawyers

• LRon Hubbard received several academy awards for best acting over the years even though he never starred in any movies.

• Scientologists are in fact soluble in water, and can often be seen dissolving in the rain

• According to BBC jounalist John Sweeney, Tom Davis was "NOT THERE AT THE START OF THE INTERVIEW" (See Panorama, aired on BBC2 May 14th 2007)

• Also, Tom Cruise is not not not not not heterosexual.^[4]

• All $cientologists cameramen provide many buffs and auras such as Aura of Xenu's Rage and are elites. Raid groups large enough should attempt to take these out first before moving onto the higher bosses. They have been known to drop loot such as notices of Tax Evasion and pictures of small naked boys/girls/kittens/grues.

• When a $cientologist reaches the nirvanic state of the final level, they are told it is a load of bollocks but that they are now honour bound to defend it as they'd look right numpties for admitting this to the World.

• Is Less Of A Religion Than The Jedi Order....

• Is not in any way related to the Church of Pi-entology

• Practitioners of the faith "cult" are know to ingest live children in the basement of their Portland, OR "Celebrity Center." Upon legal uses of their facilities, Pornography is produced in the main hall at 8PM on Friday nights.

• If you say L. Ron Hubbard backwards three times fast a Scientologist will burst into a lawyer from the black pits of Hell. Warning!! Be prepared to run for your wallet.

• The Church's ship the Freewinds has been known to host little boy orgies with L. Ron attending as well as Michael "Wacko Jacko," Tom Cruize, and other high ranking pedophile Scientologist.

• In the Church of Scientology, a normal priest is a manager, and the pope is the president. (And they say they are not a company)

• Upon reaching the third OT, scientologists learn that they must now go for the two-point conversions rather than field goals.

• Scientologist tend to suffer from Coulrophobia (fear of clowns).

• The holy E-meter was originally designed from the specifications of an alien sex toy. (Not known how it was used, scientist (legitimate ones) believe it was induced through the anal cavity.)

• Belief in Scientology may result in the outpouring of God's wrath. For example, Tom Cruise's behavior on the set of Magnolia, combined with his Scientologist beliefs caused God to send a rain of frogs as punishment, subsequently contributing to the death of arthouse director Paul Thomas Anderson. It is also speculated that Tom Cruise's faith single-handedly led to the alien invasion depicted in War of the Worlds.

• They pass kool-aid laced with acid to impressional children.

• All lawyers working for Scientology are compelled into their service by contracts from their current employer, Satan.

• The mormons were disgusted to learn that the title they had held so long "Bunch Of Naive Twats That Will Believe Any Old Shit" had not only been stripped, but that they were also being portrayed by the international committee on which religion is the right one (South Park) as being the only true children of the only true god. The Scientologists have yet to officially comment on being the new title holders, but it is understood they're pretty fucking pissed about it actually. Which is fine. What's the worst that they could do anyway? I'm fairly sure that none of the freaky bastards are any place near me, and even if they w.u79o

[edit] Disclaimer

“Hi everyone I'm Oscar Wilde, we've had a few minutes of mild entertainment here today cracking jokes on the 'religion' of Scientology, but Scientology is no laughing matter. Well ok, it is, but still, these people are dangerous, very dangerous. They have killed, and they probably will kill again. So the next time a Scientologist comes to your door handing out flyers and praising Xenu, remember what the Wilde Man told you; they will rob you, they will kill you, they will rip your heart out and eat it in front of your very eyes. Just. Say. No. My, this is a long quote...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scientology

“I would now like to read the following statement *Click* That I do so under my own free will. It has come to my attention that scientology is the one true religion, is safe and all scientologists are nice people who wouldn't harm a fly. The previous quote is false as is this article. Please forgive me Xenu.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Scientology

Bang!!

[edit] The Psychiatrist Conspiracy

On 20th May 2007 an anonymous whistleblower tipped off Australian authorities to a purported psychiatrist anti-scientology cell, which supposedly is one of a global network.

It was not until a full investigation that the true extend of the network was discovered. A top secret memo from the elusive worldwide leader of the psychologist network revealed their current agenda:

1. Destroy scientology by spreading lies by any means possible. Only they know the truth about us and we must discredit them wherever possible.
2. Prescribe Ritalin(TM) mind control stimulants to impressionable patients, and use subtle mind control hints, such as manipulative ink blotches, to invoke scientology hate.
3. Make sure your secretary makes your patients wait in a waiting room and not come rushing into your office, so you have plenty of time to conceal your instruments of torture.
4. While listening to patients talking about their pathetic, meaningless lives think of ways to help our fight against Scientology and note them down in your notepad. Say "mmm" and "uh-huh" a lot, so that they think you're listening to them. Never show your patients your notepad.

A "Psychiatrist Union" representative gave a statement denouncing the allegations, and claiming that it was another hoax by the Church of Scientology. In response to a question on an alleged firebombing of a Scientology Church, the representative waved an ink blot image at the reporter in a trance-enducing, swaying motion. I don't remember what happened next, but damn I hate Scientology.

[edit] Footnotes