Scotland
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| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
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| Motto: Well now, if ye' dinne even know then I'll not be telling the like's of you, ye' ignorant bastard. | |||||
| Anthem: Get Tae Buggery[1] | |||||
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| Capital | Edinburgh | ||||
| Largest city | John Lewis | ||||
| Official languages | Gaelic, Anger, Swearing, Sodomy, Religious intolerence | ||||
| Government | Decided by a fight to the death (There can only be one..Highlander.) | ||||
| MSP | Alex Salmond, Jack McConnell, That dour guy frozen in Carbonite | ||||
| National Heros | Sean Connery, George Galloway and John Smeaton | ||||
| Independence | Mel Gibson & Robert the Bruce, 1314 | ||||
| Currency | The Potato (P) (GBP) | ||||
| Religion | Church of Scotland | ||||
| Patron Saint | St Anger | ||||
| Population | Scots, Tinker Immigrants, Starving Irish, Polythiestic weirdos | ||||
“The whole world looks to Scotland to see where civlilisation is going...and is deeply troubled”
- ~ Voltaire on Scotland
Contents |
[edit] Current Political & Existential Situation
Scotland is a small European country that has been the envy of the world for some time, ever since America went Braveheart.
The country is currently regarded as having the most obese and violent in Europe. Scotland is also regarded as a failed state by the UN, with political corruption from all parties leading to endless enquiries that lead to nowhere. The Scots have a Parliament which was designed by Manuel from Fawlty Towers, and is a desperate attempt to make Edinburgh look like the “Barcelona of the North.”
Historically, Scotland bore the brunt of several Empires including the Swedish, Roman and English Empires respectively trying to wipe out the backward and infamously angry inhabitants. For each empire this has turned into a Vietnam situation as Scotland more or less developed guerrilla fighting and ethical Nihilism in these dark years. Walls were even erected to keep out the 'Blue Genital Aliens' of Scotland as well as rape tactics, to genetically wipe the Scots out, unfortunately for the invaders the Scots took these ideas on board and have launched programs to breed out the planet; this is why most people can trace Scottish ancestry. Arguably these empires fell with the expenditure involved in the attempted eradication of the Scots.
More recently in history more attempts were made to wipe out these surprisingly resourceful people economically, Marge Twatcher used Poll Taxes and stipends to try and starve off this 'wart on top of England' as she put it, but this failed as well. The economic decline throughout the eighties gave birth to the "Scottish Hobos" (Trademark) and all Europe were swarmed by the alcoholic inhabitants.
Currently further issues have ensued with Salmond the Hutt being elected as First Minister (Not 'Prime Minister' as this would sound too English), his Manifesto threatens England with its main policy of “Pissing off Westminster”. The political policy has the newly elected Scottish National Party (SNP) ignoring the largely underdeveloped north which is now more populated by English than Scots; this is coupled with the desperate urban decay of the larger cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh and time will tell if these cities can be brought back from dissolution as well as the rest of Scotland.
It has been declared by Salmond the Hutt that when he has ‘liberated’ Scotland he will sell it to Norway at a knockdown price, and he hopes that the Norwegians will be able to turn around the failed state.
Further developments have been made to upgrade the Culture selling as much as possible out to America renewing and interest in this Country and one can tell little difference between stereotypes if you’re rich, however the underlying poverty and closet sheep buggery tell of a place far more backward than Eastern Europe.
Westminster has vowed to civilize the place, Gordon Brown the Prime minister of England has declared "We shall not withdraw from Scotland until a firm Democratic Goverment has been formed."
In a religious sense Scotland has been a moot point with most religious needs being satisfied by Buggery (Arse is the Altar) particularly of Sheep and poor Scottish women who have to put up with the generously endowed Scots humping them up the crapper. The Catholic Church is one such Institution along with Empires and Economists that have tried to civilize Scotland, they have failed and many feel Islam to be the answer but John Smeaton has driven the Muslims out. This leaves Buddhism as the only religion not to be ousted, so no hopes there.
God himself has spoken out saying "Scotland was a bloody terrible idea" and pointed out that Scots had invented many things of fuckin' significant use to the world all of them alcohol based. The fact that God was hammered on Whisky was not mentioned. God has now declared that the 'Lords of Salem' are the only hope of eradicating this backward and altogether Heathen People, Although there's no much chance of that because when god sent the four horsemen of the apocalypse to eradicate Scotland - The scots fired up the Barbecue and cooked and ate them.
[edit] Economy
When not busy hating all foreigners, particularly the English, the average Scot can be found wandering about fields and pubs searching for more treasure to add to their medieval bank vaults. Scotland is famous for exporting many wares/foods which will inevitably destroy your body. Examples of these deadly fetishes are; any possible object being dipped into a deep fat fryer, Irn-Bru, Scotch Eggs, Haggis, Sheep, and Rob Schneider. They also export Scotch Tape, Scotch whisky, butterscotch, and hopscotch. Scotland rarely imports goods, but on the occasion that it does it can import goods/wares such as; Electricity, Hills, Tourists, and The Royal Family (German Upstarts).
[edit] Alliances
Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football (soccer for the W/Yanks) and rugby with Ireland on occasion. Although prone to the odd bit of unwelcome sectarian chanting (and the odd chibbing), in general the peaceful folk of this quaint place leave all the real hooliganism to their bastardly neighbor England. Along with Wales, the three countries were close friends during their high school years, often giving England a swirlie (full of fucking oil) during study periods; however they lost touch after graduation. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway's hair began to come out in clumps.
Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France, Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Scotland, the country, is not officially at war with any country, the City of Glasgow and the City of Edinburgh have been at war ever since the latter collided with the former. Huge numbers of casualties have resulted on both sides, and both cities are pale shadows of their former selves.
Mostly though Scotland does not really bother about alliances, we have unspeakable social problems, although we tend to side with whoever is against England or "tha Inglish bastards". We have strong Economic ties with America and it is hoped they will revitalize our backward Economy with their exchange students.
[edit] National Character
“Now it's my time to shine with these people whom technically I hate and look down on, yet I so crave their approval and validation”
- ~ Gordon Brown on becoming Dictator of England
Typically Scottish people are characterized by high achieving muscle-bound anti-social bastards, the reason for their success is not only the substantial pay off from England to stave off independence but also the motivation of the Scots which is hate and resentment, this drives them not only success at home and abroad but to a deep contempt for their fellow man. The national motto of Scotland is, in Latin, "Nemo me impune lacessit" or the Gaelic "Cha togar m' fhearg gun dìoladh", which translate roughly to "You don't want to fuck with me". Many subscribe to the idea that the Scots hate the English, in truth the Scots hate each other far more than any foreigners.
Another thing that will strike the visitor to our waterlogged land is the tendency for Scots either to be euphoric, angry or wholly disengaged from reality (Leonidas); whether this is the 'Illness of Scotland' (see Below) or the concentration of insanity in the genes leaves many scientists baffled, similarly the high achievement is also baffling since the population is mostly illiterate and has low concentration span due to the terrible diets the Scots have.
The English want ultimately to be like the Scottish, the Scots however openly display hate for the English and the further north the more prevalent it is to find that to be called English (or "Inglish") is an insult in itself. Even the Cornish try to be like the Scots, but we hate them and we'll only abide the sight of them when we want tin.
For all those puny races who want to be like the Scottish, they never live up to the peculiar mixture of terrifying anger and humour that characterize this people addicted to having chips on their shoulders and having the kind of misanthropy that usually is found amongst the Germans.
We also see a worship of strange garments that seem like deep seated traditions like Kilts (Skirts) being worn among the men folk, this fills the world with envy for some reason as they are dreadfully uncomfortable, why the English don the outfit at weddings is somewhat tacky, as they are chiefly responsible for trying to ethnically cleanse the Scots.
[edit] Culture and Philosophies
Scotland has provided the world with many great inventions over the years, including the television, Feghaly and the sporran. They also claim to have changed the direction of electricity, but the rest of the world threatened to sue for the cost of reprinting the textbooks. The list of things invented by Scots grows directly in proportion to the amount of alcohol one feeds to the Scot who is reeling off the list. If they are allowed access to an ordinary supermarket wines & spirits aisle, the Scots will apparently have invented.
The Scots also have many Philosophers like David Hume who destroyed the ability for the world to ever establish moral consequences or absolutism, the result being the Scots can get wankered on Buckie, bugger their wives and shag sheep with no strings attached.
Other culture and Philosophical contributions include Adam Smith who invented Economics, especially the selfish American kind of Economics called capitalism and his studies have influenced people the world over, particularly the White Male to screw everybody and feel that they are benefiting the world with their own personal gains:
| Basically I live with my parents because it saves money and I don't have a girlfriend because it saves more money and also they don't let me bring one back to the house so I end up accidentally spunking all over my All Saints Cds | ||
| —Adam Smith | ||
[edit] Musical Heritage
It is widely known by everyone, especially the English, that Scottish music is considered to promote nationalism. As such, any time it is heard by a Scot it conjures memories of being raped/slaughtered by English cavalry. England’s lack of traditional Music or Culture of any kind ("Well what abow Oasis, roll out the curry rug") has led to the English feeling all Celtic when they hear Highland music and leaves them wanting to be Scottish, bizarrely many foreigners also feel the need to be Scottish after hearing our 'music'. There are many variants of the compositions and many famous players like Lars Ulrich, however the constant is that all Scottish Music has two musical instruments which are Bagpipes and Pikeys using accordions (batteries required).
[edit] Resurgence of "Scottish Culture"
Today we see many Scottish things being advertised globally (that is, to America), with famous bands like The White Stripes and Trump (Farting band) investing and taking an interest in this desolate and backward part of the world. The reason for this is the hiring of Tony Visconti by the newly elected SNP, to 'Sex Up' Scotland; typical of a Visconti music production, Visconti has turned Scotland into something vaguely appealing to Europe whilst selling as much as possible to American stereotypes of the place or act.
Salmond is most pleased with Tony's use of suits for SNP members, as their normal attire is wellies and rain jackets, preferably Gortex but more often than not Durex; this improvement in dress sense has largely put SNP in charge of Holyrood. The selling of Scottish land to accrue money to further the party manifesto of "pissing off Westminster" has also been the result of the dedicated action taken by our comrades Tony Visconti and Alex Salmond.
There has also been investment in culture to bring 'Scatland' crying and screaming into at least an eighteenth century standard of living. At Tony Visconti's bidding the Scottish are not only reinventing the music but under Visconti’s tireless supervision making the place seem pleasant, instead of violent and backward. Tony Visconti has also ordered the tourist board to avoid the subject of the soul destroying weather, and alcoholics that need a shoulder to cry on. The future will tell if hiring such a producer will truly invigorate this country or simply alienate it from the original back catalogue and anger distributors.
[edit] Religion
See Also: Taggart
Currently Scotland has two religious groups that are known and originate in Glasgow - one is Celtic and one is Rangers; there is a Protestant or Catholic sense to the Football. Basically if you're Catholic/Celtic and a girl it means that you will satisfy the Scotsman’s need to bugger (See Anal Sex); if on the other hand if you're a Protestant/Rangers girl you try not to allow this need of sodomy to ever be spoken about. The Clergy on both sides however, like the entire country, is dedicated to Sodomy and thus a culture of defeat against the Scotsman’s need to bugger is created. I speak frankly of the matter because if you're some foxy antipodean chick you need to know the truth about us and the Religious needs of Scotland.
The other signs of religion you will find are that it provides the basis for Scots to wound, kill or severely injure each other. It also allows for sectarianism which means mindless intimidation of each other. Many submit that the reason why Scotland is such a small place was not the ethnic cleansing or potato famine but the sheer hatred for one another that has led to such a backward and unfortunate present day Scotland.
In many if not all ways, religion binds the nation together with its need to bugger and fight and also to drink, which is validated every Sunday at church where wine is served in yard goblets in Scotland so the Parishioners can get plastered off their faces even on Sunday.
There're are also other Religions in tiny percentages like Islam or ponce religions like Mormonism and Buddhism; members of these religions frequently complain about issues like the right to conceal oneself with towels, or even several Kippahs stuck together. The SNP under Visconti usually panders to these as it makes them look 'Multi-cultural' and 'Open'. This is in no way indicative of the Scots, who are racist by nature, even against their own country.
[edit] Scottish Sporting Achievements
- Main Article: Scottish Sports
“And I have to close my eyes”
- ~ Morrissey on Scottish Sports
As a rule Scotland does not succeed in sporting events, as other countries don't allow the “head butt” or "Hit and Run" tactics that embody Scottish strategy on all matters. There may come a day when the odd fluke is not the only victory - until that day we Scottish hang our heads in a deep shame.
[edit] Scottish military
“It's simply effing fantastic that we can send those effing Weegies to kick the effing crap out of those effing ragheads!”
- ~ The Queen on the Royal Scots Guards
Currently Scotland has withdrawn its military from active duty of defending Scotland since the English have told them not to. However many of the fine psychopathic Scots ironically fight for the English like the Ghurkas in Nepal or the child soldiers in Africa. The Tartan Army is the main branch of the Scottish army; ever increasing funds go to hiring recruits, usually selected at age five and trained up to high "Scottish" standards.
It has been announced that whilst Gordon Brown has moved English and mutant forces into the "Overlook" position at their bases as he has sent the Scots to "set aboot" the Foreigners to continue the war of terror.
Rob Roy has been announced by Tony Visconti to be the 'figurehead' leader of the Scots army, however Liam Niesen said he was busy, fuelling auditions in Cornwall for a trashy TV spin off indicative of Scottish Quality and Culture (Dear God); a local Scot was considered but because of the look of the people, producers decided that an inbred Cornish Pig Sodimiser would be more accessible for audience both in Scotland and abroad.
[edit] The illness of 'Scotland'
The illness of Scotland is something that any visitor will begin to feel after spending any time here - conditions such as a debilitating sense of despair and a fear of the outside world or a general sense of paranoia are symptoms; you may also find Chips on your Shoulders. Skin ailments and asthma from the heavily polluted air may occur, and you may also find that you feel the need to shout at people or become a member of an obscure cult like the Wicca cult in that shite seventies documentary on Shetland. If you suffer from one or many of these symptoms it is a sign that you're suffering from Scotland; Booze is the prescription cure for the condition - repeat as necessary.
The native folk drink vast quantities of Irn Bru to keep them from committing suicide. It is not recommended that newcomers try this as years of physical abuse defend the Scots from feeling the effects of Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bars and Pizzas. Should you be a 'plus size' American I would still caution against this difficult regime of physical abuse through diet and lifestyle; should you be Polish, I invite you to try it and see if the communist in you can survive it and live to tell the tale - probably not, but that's not all bad.
There is also the symptom of Oompah Loompahism in females; a gross physical condition that affects the Scots women - orange skin and heavily died hair and a harsh masculine look. One would think that these terrible mutations are Chavs/Neds affected by Irn Bru and awful home conditions, however they often display a great deal of intelligence and some degree of understanding of the world so rare in Scotland. They look repulsive with the use of fake tans, tan beds and ridiculously expensive hair treatments from salons; this symptom of the illness of Scotland primarily affects third generation 'Pure Native' Scots and is incurable unless from a responsible woman beater (Scotsman) who can reverse this terrible symptom of Scotland.
Tony Visconti has made his girl group Girls Aloud copy this strange condition to boost Scotland’s fame, yet even these rough lassies that they are cannot emulate the grotesque look that these unfortunate 'women' suffer from.
[edit] Geology and Natural history
See Also: Geology
According to the English and hence the British Geological Survey based down in England with a little office in Edinburgh, the whole of Scotland is composed of a hard acidic, intrusive sedimentary rock called granite. Everything is the same except from Aberdeen where the granite is a silvery colour, Peterhead where it's pink and Fort William where it's olive green. Geologists think that Scotland has some of the world's oldest rocks, these being the Lewisian originating from Na h-Eileanan Siar where everything is old, even the youngest people. This effectively means that everywhere in the world is made of Scotland. Despite this BGS propaganda, the geology of Scotland appears highly complicated due to numerous geologists going mental with their coloured pencils and making it look structurally complex. If you go to Northwest Scotland for example, you may find Gneiss, a rock geologists named because that's what it looks like; nice. Unlike granite, the gneiss appears all stripy and no matter what geologists try and brainwash you into, they are really still granites, just stripy and multicoloured due to numerous years of primary school art projects over the years. This is because every village in this part of the world has a school, even if only two children live there.
As far as countries go, Scotland has traveled the furthest. Formerly the W of Gondwanaland, it traveled from the South Pole, across the equator, past the tropics before taking a wrong turn at the Iapetus, allowing Baltica to collide into it to form England. This therefore makes Scotland older than England and far superior. Nowadays, Scotland is beginning to drift slowly northwards. Some debate that this is due to Continental Drift whereas others are firm believers that the SNP is somehow behind this.
The islands of Scotland are much younger than the granite mainland, mainly due to a period of volcanic activity in the Tertiary. During these events when volcanoes were widespread, early settlers were forced to build islands such as Canna and Uist to escape the deadly molten lava using different rocks from around the world that weren't under lava or water. This makes for interesting geological mapping of this region. These volcanoes are now extinct from the exception of Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh and Ben Nevis.
[edit] Scottish Flora and Fauna
Scotland has many well known types of wildlife which are below and also a variety of orange birds and emos, which may also be orange; possibly one may even see the rare 40 year old Goth near extinction in Scotland:
[edit] Drug Addicts
See also: Drugs
This is by far the most prevalent animal in Scotland. They prowl endlessly, barking in the streets and are accused of draining Scotland's economy. Alex Salmond has requested Parliament authorise a cull of these creatures, however Europe (typical) has not allowed the motion. The over-breeding of these creatures is no doubt the cause of much of the urban decay throughout Scotland.
Alcoholics and Hobos are also of the same Genus, however they tend to look better and are largely unable to talk or communicate with others, The Drug Addict of Scotland, on the other hand, has been to a fine Scottish University and is able to communicate between fixes and possibly during fixes, although no conclusive study has been made as the research students fled when the screaming/barking started.
Their main hideouts include toilets and generally the street where deals can proceed openly, as the Police are usually arresting 10 year olds for possession of knives and, more often than not, pump action shotguns.
Tony Visconti says the casualties are acceptable as there’s plenty of money going into other things like Haggis factories and English run Whisky factories; therefore no need to square up to the junkies and dealers, after all "they keep the economy afloat"
[edit] The Loch Ness Monster
- Main Article: Loch Ness Monster
- See Also: Lake Spooky
Prior to its flotation on the stock market, the monster was for many years mistaken for the towering mobile eye of a Martian War Machine, and caused the regular evacuation of villages — not to mention a number of unintelligible and threatening phone calls to Hollywood star Gene Barry.
Eventually the local council was given a briefing as to the difference between Fantasy and Reality. An ancient exploitate cynica capitale ritual followed in which the Scots pledged themselves to guard and exploit the monster for as much as it was worth, for the rest of their natural lives. It is estimated that the monster's annual contribution to the Scottish economy is equivalent to the sale of forty million tartan dollies in plastic tubes.
[edit] Haggis
Main Article: Haggis
The Scottish national dish is haggis. Haggis is named for the animal from whence it comes; a small furred mammal called the Wild Haggis, with two legs shorter than the other to allow for running in circles around the hills on which they live. Haggis is rarely eaten outside Scotland, due to the fact that it contains a powerful cocktail of neurotoxins, hallucinogens and aphrodisiacs that only those of Scottish descent could hope to survive.
[edit] Stalkers
This creature is usually found amongst "Middle Class" Scots who have reverted into strange existentially obsessed hobos, they prowl the streets trying to resurrect God and find more booze, often they are found in one of the many fine drinking establishments in Scotland reading a quality broadsheet (the Guardian) or bizarrely living on the streets as if they are beggars but are in fact from reasonably good homes.
Stalkers comprise a large chunk of the Scottish population and can be seen throughout Scotland with that lost dog look on their faces and a request for twenty pence. Stalkers can often be spotted by a vigilant wildlife spotter heading for the 'Zone’, also called the off license in other places or can be seen raising money to go visit the "Zone" selling the Big Issue.
Many submit to the idea that the Stalkers are spies from outer space who need questionable illegal substances to breathe or that they are the next phase in evolution or mutations to an inferior species of humanity, or even that they are a lame stereotype from a lame seventies Sci Fi film; the future will tell what these Stalkers are on the Planet for, if anything.
[edit] White Settlers
See Also: England
A new and diverse type of people are coming to Scotland claiming to feel the 'Celt in them' and are coming up to the Highlands to enjoy the life sapping weather and mind numbing boredum that charcterise the region. I speak of course of the English, who having over-bred and ruined their country seek to come up to Scotland and recreate the hell they came from.
They plant there pathetic seeds and hope something will grow and idly make light of the weather knowng they will ultimately have to return to their own ruined land or similar events of The Shining will surely occur in the wilderness that is the Highlands. The English go stir crazy up there without the mind supressants and Prozac contained in Irn Bru. Usually, these White Settlers rent out their 'renovated' homes after six months at extortiate prices to disenfranchised locals.
Alex Salmond has encouraged this as he hopes that the economy will benefit from the 'development of the region by screwing the English for their money'.
[edit] Places in Scotland
“It's amazing how many cuntish places there are in such a sparsely populated and illiterate country”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Places in Scotland
- Main Article: Places in Scotland
[edit] Famous Scottish People
“Dinnae be addin' too many links (especially red ones); it makes the place look untidy and unloved; we don't want it looking like England now do we?”
- ~ Oscar McWilde on links at the rectum of the Scotland page
- Groundskeeper Willie
- Adam Smith- You feel bad and buy fair trade, but you love his doctrine
- Sean Connery
- David Hume, Kant's worst enemy
- Scotty from Star Trek
- Highlander
- KT Tunstall
- Russ Abbot
- the Duke of Edinburgh
- Fat Bastard
- The Haggis Baron
- Loch Ness Monster
- Leonidas - when not being Greek
- William Wallace
- David Tennant
[edit] See also
- Scots
- Great Scott
- Things Invented By Scots
- Gaelic
- British Line of Succession
- Scotland Yard
- British-Irish relations
- Clan Microsoft
- The famous grouse
- The Scary Story Of The Scary Scottish Scotsman
- HowTo:Be Scottish
- The Scottish Nazi Party
- Worst 100 Locations of All Time
- Tartan army
[edit] External links
- Official Website for Scotland
- Glasgow Survival
- Subcrawl — Glasgow pub crawl by subway train, designed specifically to trigger violence
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