Scott Mills

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“WARNING! A huge not-officially-gay battleship SCOTT MILLS is approaching!”

~ Darius III on Scott Mills

Scott Mills is a British Radio DJ. He presents a daily show on BBC Radio 1. So he says, but i'm sure he served me in WHSmith the other day, he was very nice if I recall correctly. He is also the undisputed funniest man on the planet. No, really, he truly is. Look, shut up you don't know what you're talking about ok, he's hilarious. And if you're still not buying he's got a tonne of prank calls on cassette in his cupboard that will quite simply prove you wrong, my friend.

[edit] Early life

Mills was, in fact, assembled from a box of generic spare DJ parts (not hewn from a solid block of gay as previously suspected) which the evil genius Paul Gambaccini found in an abandoned office at the BBC. Posessed of many superpowers, Mills is widely regarded as Gambaccini's finest work. Has 7 brothers: Tony, Dopey, Smackhead, George, Scott 2, Millsy, and Susan. Scott is sister of Beatle-Botherer Heather Mills and knows the location of her missing leg. Scott has been a member of So Solid, Blazin' Squad and a member of Tim Westwood's Bow Down and Kiss The Ring Club... please note that no jewelery is to be worn at this club.

[edit] Powers

1. Scott can cure any illness, except the affliction he suffers from.....
2. Scott can produce, on demand, mucus from any orifice he choses
3. He is immune to Fire based attacks, this is because he was born on Mercury. (this also gives him a healthy orange glow)
4. Scott can consume the weight of three small dogs in semen in one sitting and can often get through four or five 'meals' a day
5. He can split into 4 different versions of himself in order to attend more than one male-only orgy at any one time, occasionally all 4 versions participate at the same one, when it gets 'a bit freaky' according to Michael Barrymore.

[edit] Weaknesses

1. A Scott Mills is very strong and can only be beaten by a level 57 Pikachu
2. The only thing that can weaken the powers of Scott is John Madden shoving a stick down g-dubs face while throwing chicken alfredo at his left eye
3. Women. Scott is partial to to a bit of hanky panky with wing from the radio 1 Big weekend, there are engaged and due to be married, which many believe to be a cover up for his love affair with the BBC commissioner.
4. Scott can be weakened by constant use of the word 'PANTIES'. This word irritates him to the point of defeat.
5. The taste of corned beef has been known to make Scott cry because it reminds him of times when he was a child and his cousin Crispin 'I'm Indian' Mills of the 90s band Kula Shaker occasionally got dropped off for his tea. When it was corned beef hash, Crispin would systematically fist the corned beef into Mills' anus. Scott only cries now because he misses those times.
6. Creepily, Scott Mills worships people called Barry.
7. Mills suffers from a rare speech impediment that makes it impossible for him to pronounce the word 'bloody' correctly; a condition that he, so far, remains unaware of. Every week, listeners make fun of this affliction by requesting he shout "it's only bloody Friday" for their own sick amusement.

[edit] Personal Life

Scott Mills likes to wear nurses uniforms and not just for Red Nose Day 07

Scott's long time life partner is his on-air sidekick Chappers. Despite their apparently open relationship, their on air relationship is known to be tempetuos with fights often breaking out over Chappers' affairs with Dave Vitty from The Chris Moyles Show. Chappers and Dave have their own show on Radio 1, mainly whilst other presenters like Zane Low and Sarah Cox are having babies and travelling to New Zealand respectively.

Scott has been romatically linked to Barbara Windsor, and the pair own a Luton love nest together.

Speculation has abounded that Scott is infact the father of Jo Whiley's unborn twins. This however is unlikely due to the fact that Jo Whiley is a convicted lesbian.

Scott can often be found browsing websites looking for references to his hero Judy Garland and clenches his fists and vows revenge on anybody he finds to be derogatory about her. As yet he has only left a flaming dog shit on the doorstep of Jimmy Carr.

Scott can also often be found outside radio one towers on the "phone" with a fag in hand talking to his imaginary friend Belinda who he visits on Thursdays for their regular tanning sesions which last about two hours to get that perfect orange glow.

[edit] Media Coverage

A previous un-funny edition of this article was read on air at 11.40am on Friday 16th May 2008 by the wonderful Jo Whiley.