Scourie
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Winners of the NORTHERN TIMES WORST VILLAGE 2007; with distinction.
“Anybody here looking for a shag out at Handa Island? ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Handa
“No, not of the bird variety!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the above quote
Roadsign on the M894.
Scourie, by Lairg (also known as Scoury due to illiterate locals) is a small village in the North-West Scottish Highlands. Found somewhere about halfway between Ullapool and Durness, Scourie is a modern day success story of how an entire community can grow up around a public toilet which provides relief to over 650,000 travelling tourists in search of Smoo Cave every year.ccvvvcc
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[edit] Origins
The village's Gaelic name of Sgobharaidh originates from the French word for shed, a fitting description for a village where families are forced to build their own homes with nails and strips of wood due to the recent high influx of Eastern Europeans. This has caused great animosity between the locals and the poles because they are now locked in an eternal Monopoly game for rights to that caravan that sits in the field along the right side of the main road.
Scourie's main purpose was originally (and to a certain degree still is) a leper colony (nowadays known as Hansen's disease camps) in the Middle Ages for leperosy and flu sufferers both within and outside the counties of Sutherland and Caithness. Over time, the successive camp wardens (who now also run the local youth hostels) realised that they could make a pretty penny or two by putting inmates on show to the general public. The Scourie parade from the village to Kylesku Bridge took place on the last Sunday of every month and gave the world the chance to see the freaks, many of which still live in isolation in a small hamlet known as Fanagmore.
Due to new legislation introduced in the late 16th Century, lepers were forced out of the area by incoming English settlers looking to live somewhere quiet and peaceful unlike the shithole that they came from, one of which still runs the local Spar and smells a bit funny. This movement sparked the beginning of the Highland Clearances although several desperate lepers managed to find refuge on the nearby island of Handa. Nowadays a small but self sufficient leper community is still present on the island which is has now become the Handa Island Wildlife Reserve where lepers catching and eating raw sea-bird (Puffin, Guillemont, Great Skua, Great Stack, etc) are a common sight with the aid of binoculars.
[edit] Geology
As part of the North West Highland Geopark, Scourie is also famous for its regional geology. Some pink coloured rocks are found nearby which rock people take great pleasure in looking at. The village gives it's name to the Scourie Dykes, a suite of igneous rocks that also shares it's name with the local lesbian.
[edit] Places of Interest
- Laxford/Painted Brae - Scotlands largest roadside mural, nominated for the Turner Prize 2001.
- The Spar - closes at lunchtime though for when tourists get hungry at lunchtime and want to stop for a swift sandwich.
- World's Most Northern Palm Trees - A present given to Scourie House from Afro-Carribean slaves who previously worked for the resident family. Amazingly survive through the harsh Scottish winter due to undersoil heating.
The village bar known to the locals as 'the pub' has few regulars but let it be known that one should under no circumstances sit in any of their stools - the area towards the window is a much safer place for tourists. It is also not a good idea to talk about anything of a sensitive nature in 'the pub' as it will be common knowledge by the morning depending on who is in an ears distance - to be fair, this is true of any part of Scourie not just 'the pub'.
Moffat Square is the roughest area of the village. Most of the residents of this street work on the 'fish farm'.... this is where they farm fish to sell to stupid c*nts south of the border as 'Fresh Water Scottish Salmon'.
Recently there has been a spate of 'boy racing' along Moffat Sq and this has led to the residents submitting a petition to the local council for the installation of speed calming measures to deter the youths from disrupting their neighbours with loud engine revs and showing off. The council suggested that as the local police man lives in this street that, this should be sufficient. The residents are now thinking about installing their own speed hump.
