Scouser
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“EH BOKKY WOK WOK! LAAAA”
~ The view of a typical twat
“FUCKING CALM DAHN LIKE”
~ A tit when angry
“WHO YAH TELLIN' T' FUHKKIN CALM DAHN LIKE”
~ A cockney in response to the above
“They're an alright bunch really, once you manage to get the knife off them”
~ Calvin Ferguson on Manks
“What's that breaking into your car, is it a person, is it a person?”
~ The Automatic on Liverpool
A titwank is an unfortunate person who has been infected with the violentisuglymoustacheis virus. It can be difficult to live with because of the severe disfigurement and sheer annoyingness. Scousers tend to be of the burglar persuasion, and often steal car radios. All scousers support either Liverpool or Everton and would happily rape and murder a family of supporters of the enemy team. Princess Diana, after being the first famous person to openly hold and touch people with AIDS, said "I'm not touching one of those dirty scouse scum." (Well I guess she deserved to die then) Mother Teresa's words in the same situation can never be repeated. (And her)
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[edit] The Virus Itself
The violentisuglymoustacheis virus is a particularly virulent strain of dirtyscousebastarditis but where as the latter is spread over a wide area of the United Kingdom (past Birmingham), the former is concentrated to a small area in the north west called Livah-puuuooooooooole.Also like to wear shell suits
These people should not be spat on, urinated on, run over, mutilated, hacked with a chainsaw or burnt with acid, all of which are common because of the severe disgust incited by the condition. Eventually they will end up hurting and violating each other - that is why they need help. There is telethon in aid of them called BBC Scousers In Need where Terry Wogan tries to raise money for affected people.
Typical Scousers or Joel Yallops as they are commonly known by, all wear the same clothes and all copy each other. Another Scouser is called Pete Price. He has the answers to EVERYTHING in life. The last Scouser on the list is the so called famous Knitting Nan. All she does is sit and knit, Lazy Bitch. She also has a song to go with it.
Scouseland (west of St. Helens) is also notable for it's abundance of "Firework Shops" which enjoy a healthly trade all year round. It is recommended to see scousers doing their "weekly shop" at such establishments, especially if the scouser is wearing a shell suit as any resulting accident is a sight that can be appreciated by young and old alike. o
[edit] The Tell Tale Signs
Once infected, the person's taste in hairstyle, clothes, IQ and voice is severely diminished leaving him with the tell-tale unkempt afro, afro-moustache, silly voice, violent nature, constant saying of the word "eh?" and can of Special Brew super strength lager. Despite this affliction scousers are known as well balanced individuals which is demonstrated by the fact that they have a chip on both shoulders. This is also confirmed by the paranoid attitude which exhibits itself in a victim culture attitude that someone or everyone is against them. Indeed the mere offer of a job to a scouser will result in a tirade about the capitalist taking advantage of them by expecting them to work after 3 generatuions of their family have successfully managed to avoid any semblance of work. Typically a scouser will vote Labour if a donkey stood as candidate in the sure beleif that their giros will be certain to keep arriving as the labour party see the whole of Merseyside as supporter heaven.
[edit] Learn Scouse Fast
If you can't beat the Scouse, join the Scouse! Here's all you need to know!
- sly/arlarse/tight = unfair---
- munney = cash---
- munneyshitter = cash machine---
- bender = homosexual---
- nicked/grafted = stolen---
- Bezzie = best friend/mate---
- class = marvelous---
- Crimbo = Christmas---
- Ciggie = a cigarette---
- shit = defective---
- fuckin wool = person from Saint Helens
- Footy = Football---
- les/dyke = lesbian---
- scum/pigs/bisie/rozzers/titheads = police---
- gorra = got---
- gorroff(as in "I gorroff with her")= got some
- smashed/pissed/bevvied/rat-arsed = drunk---
- butt = headbutt---
- bifter = cigarette---
- lecky = electric---
- sexy ho = Your mum---
- quid = pound---
- alass = out of order---
- ozzy = hospital---
- offy = store that sells primarily alcohol
- asif = overtime---
- Queen = term of endearment for women---
- queer = homosexual---
- flid/dumfuk = stupid---
- retarded mong = stupid---
- dick 'edd = stupid---
- Spaced out/blitz/stoned/monged = on drugs---
- Shite = see shit.
- blade = a special, sharp, pointy friend---
- ah clurrgh = Our Claire
- smackhed = you---
- fukin ell shu up = good God, SHUT UP!
- speccy twat = individual with glasses
- de sun = toilet paper
- yerwah? = What was that?
- Goff!! = Individual
- Propa' Hellshot = Good shot old chap
- Anno Lad = I am aware
- Iz rite lad = I agree
- the scum = Everton/the sun
- Ckkalm dowwwn Ckkalm dowwwn = calm down chap your manner is beginning to become out of hand.
- Me Ma'll deck ya = (If you persist in this) my mother will hit you
[edit] Rehabilitation
A .357 Magnum is a very effective cure for the virus.
[edit] What To Do If You See A Scouser
- Usually running works because their brain cannot do two things at once (or use apostrophes), it has trouble running and breathing at the same time.
- If you have any sharp objects, stabbing repeatedly sometimes works but it is not recommended because the success rate depends on how much feeling his body still has.
- Use words with more than 4 letters in.
- Use words with more than 1 syllable.
- Ask him what the time is, if he has no watch then he will look for it for about 30 mins on his wrist or if he has one telling the time will make his brain asplode.
- Never mention the words, hubcaps, tyres, wallet or money and if you like your life try to hide your manc accent
- Dont stand directly in front of one if it has just had a beer.
- Dont touch one them even if they look wet and cold outside the marked - they will bite you!
[edit] A scouse Joke
St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.
St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.
"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.
Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath. "They're gone!" he exclaims.
"What, all forty?" says God. "Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"
[edit] The Gospel according to St Scouse
Every Manc you see, Butt them!
[edit] The Charles Darwin origin of Scousers
Scousers are derived from lonely drunken nights, sailors and merchant ship's pet monkeys.
