Scunthorpe
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Scunthorpe is the most holy and ancient city of northern Lincolnshire. The town's name derives from "It's a cunt, Thorpe!" or "Thorpe's cunt" or something. It is marketed as the 'Industrial Shithole of Europe'. It is also a very small, insignificant village near New Holland.
Unfortunately, because 'Scunthorpe' has a rude word in the middle, the net-nannies block it and it never ever appears on the internet, not even in this article.
Scunthorpe is only called Scunthorpe because "Shit-Smelling Toss-Hole" was already in use by the county of Yorkshire.
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[edit] History
Of note about Scunthorpe's history is the massive bombing raids carried out in WW2. It was the intended to wipe Scunthorpe off the face of the Earth: However, Churchill ordered the RAF to stop pissing about and concentrate on Germany. In all, over 400 tons of bombs were dropped on Scunthorpe, resulting in £500,000 of improvements.
Also OF NOTE is Howden's Hill, named after the popular greeting amongst the lower orders of 'how then', it encompasses a railway arch, although certainly not an arch railway, as Noel Coward was removed from the environs in the military coup carried out by Kris Akabusi in the chalk wars of 290 B.C. The area is famous for its vast amount of iron whores, first accessed by Rowland Rat who, rather bizarrely, later became the 1st Lord Lee Harvey Oswald.
Scunthorpe had little industry until the creation of the Welfare State in 1948. Until then natives would earn a meagre income by eating mud and defecating in public for the entertainment of wealthy travellers. When it was realised that the government would willingly give them money for doing nothing the local economy witnessed its' greatest growth ever. This tradition of claiming off the State has been passed through generations and is continued to this day.
After that nothing happened in Scunthorpe until 2006, and nothing ever will. Scunthorpe did briefly appear on the world stage in 1999 when the AOL obscenity filter started to refuse all searches because of the obvious swear word in the towns name, however that was a cover story. The real reason is that AOL built in a bad taste filter as well, and it refused to let anybody read about the place.
[edit] Present Day
Scunthorpe also has the largest collection of clapped out Ford Sierra's with most gardens sporting at least one rusting in the back somewhere. A veritable treasure trove of Ford Cosworths has also recently been unearthed from the open sewer that runs directly through Scunthorpe; experts estimate this find to be why the correlation between Cosworths sold and Cosworths taxed was so vastly skewed.
It also has the highest concentration of electric disabled scooters on Planet Earth. This is because Scunthorpe people are fatter than the fattest Texans. There are 18 fast-food outlets for every person, a ratio only bettered by Huddersfield.
Scunthorpe's only claim to fame is that it is the Chavviest town in the UK, and when you think of places like Slough, Swindon, Runcorn and Portsmouth, to win such an accolade is quite an achievement. Scunthorpe has a reputation for being boring and has put more people to sleep than Harold Shipman. It has been said that if you laid all the women in Scunthorpe end to end, nobody would bat an eyelid.
[edit] The Resistance
The town has a net population of 16 hundred million, made up of 90% chavs and doley-bums, 5% street urchins, 4% prostitutes, 0.999875% gardeners with bronchitus and 0.000125% humans. The average IQ is around about that of the common garden shrew. However, transmissions reporting a resistance dedicated to fighting the idiocy began some years ago. The exact whereabouts of its headquarters was unknown until recently, when the Ordnance Survey decided to start mapping areas of high brain activity and discovered an almost insignificantly small area which stood out as anomalous among the almost dead space around it. The organisation identifies itself as JLC, which is thought to stand for Justin Lee Collins.
| Here in beautiful Scunthorpe we have the most skilled Interpretive Ball-Dancers in the world. And also segregated car parks and lavvies! So book a tour right now, and don't forget your Uncyc VISA card...the only card that pays in laughs!  Paid for by the Committee to Pimp Scunthorpe. | 
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[edit] Hillary Desmond
Hillary Voted number one bullshitter in Scunthorpe she really brings the word "cunt" out not only does she lie constantly but she makes them feel so wierd shes know in the army (she says) parachuting after a week (she says) ahhh long live desmond aka princess!
[edit] Infamous Citizens
- Spring-heeled Jack (1921-1985); Car park attendant (real name Lester Ellis) famed for his ability to fart numerous theme tunes from shows produced by ITC Entertainment. In 1975 he appeared on the BBC news show Nationwide when, during a particularly difficult rendition of the theme from Randall and Hopkirk Deceased, he suffered follow-through live on-air. This scene became a staple of many out-take shows and was voted favourite out-take ever by readers of Colour-in with Crayons TV Guide.
- Kimberly Drummond; Posh tart from New York, wealthy father, two coloured step-brothers. Moved to Scunthorpe in 1987 to escape pressures of life. Used to work at Presto's, since closed. Whereabouts unknown.
- Deirdre Petronella Jenkins (b.1950), hostess on the controversial live 1970's ITV quiz show The Golden Shag. Dismissed after her tits fell-out of her dress, she played small roles in Armchair Supper and Mother Makes Tea before leaving the acting industry. Last heard working at Presto's, since closed. Whereabouts unknown.
- Arthur Pentlelow, an impressionist and man of a thousand faces, all of them fucking ugly. In 1971 he was runner-up in the Miss Scunthorpe and Bottesford District Weekly Gazette beauty competition; the winner was Jackie, a Fresian cow from Scotter. Used to work at Presto's, since closed. Whereabouts unknown. (That's Arthur, not Jackie. She ended up being sold on the meat counter at FineFare).
- Jackie, a Fresian cow from nearby Scotter. In 1971 she won the Miss Scunthorpe and Bottesford District Weekly Gazette title (the paper folded soon afterwards). She was automatically entered into the Miss Angling Television 1971 competition where against all odds, she won beating a beauty therapist from Thetford, a bank clerk from King's Lynn and a transsexual wholesale butcher from Bury St.Edmunds. She mysteriously disappeared after being seen in a pub with the aforementioned wholesale butcher for an after-show drink. Her carcass has never been found and rumour has it she was drugged and sent to an abbatoir, her fillets being sold on a meat counter at Fine Fare.
- Ryan James Brown, a legendary Serial Killer, famous for impersonating those he kills in a comedic way.
- Richard Dance - The infamous Marks and Spencer's number one fan.
- Liam Smith - Infamous transvestite his favourite colour is pink.
[edit] Scunthorpe Trivia
- Room 101 is actually situated in Scunthorpe
- Scunthorpe is also called "The Poland Of The West" what with so many fuckin' people whose names end in "ovich" and all that
- Celebrated writer and politician David Sereda was born in Scunthorpe.
- The only two ways to get out of Scunthorpe are to die or to use the magic underground monorail that Tony Blair had built under Appleby-Frodingham Recreation Park.
- Scunthorpe Cathedral, finished in 1662, had the smallest stained glass window in the world until 1982. In that year the people of Scunthorpe ransacked the Cathedral and burnt it to the ground in honour of the 450th anniversary of the English Reformation. Rubble from the site was taken and used to build the Scunthorpe Municipal District Council Roller Disco on Glebe Road until the great Roller Reformation of 1990, when the roller disco was ransacked and torched.
- Scunthorpe lies exactly on the Magnetic West Pole.
- Scunthorpe has a diverse population of 10,547,223 cockatoos, this is not widely known however as they are contained in the worlds third largest aviary, Boggletops, located 20 feet underground the disused alley by the former Littlewoods
- Scunthorpe is near to Winterton and the construction of an underground railway system to link to two places began in 1923
- Scunthorpe United the local futbol team have as their team colours, two lovely contrasting shades of undercoat, originally looted from the paint stores of the nearby Appleby Frodingham wig works.
- The World's Worst University, Hard Knox, is in Scunthorpe. The locals keep this fact very, very quiet indeed, and pretend the smell is merely part of the town's ancient charm, and not the pile of decaying Freshers being added to once again.
- Scunthorpe is also where you can find the rare dope fruit - it grows on the mountains to the west of the city.
- Scunthorpe is twinned with Mordor, although Mordor does not admit to this.
- Scunthorpe was renamed "Shorpe" soon after it's most famous resident, Carl Draper esq., moved to High Wycombe.
- Scunthorpe was once the Capital Of Mozambique but following decimalisation in 1971 found itself relegated to being s small town in Lincolnshire.
- Between 1980 and 1989, Scunthorpe held the world record for the amount of inbreds produced in a year, a title which was taken by Scunthorpe in 1990 which just goes to show a) how inbred they are and b) how stupid they are as a result
- Scunthorpe's most famous night club is Der Schnapps Bar, where it is considered extremely good practice to be fluent in several eastern european languages and glass the man/woman stood next to you. It is also world renowned for its sticky floors to stop the victim of the glassing escaping. And the Jews.
