Sean Hannity
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The author knows this because he is also a peckerhead and has frequently chatted with Sean Hannity at the meetings.
“Who is This Douche?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sean Hannity
“Sean Hannity is certainly an accomplished man.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Douchebags
Sean has written over 300 books in crayon, almost five of which are in legible English.
Sean "The Insanity" Hannity a.k.a. "That hypocritical douche-bag" (born December 30, 1961), who is not gay, is a master satirist and joke writer for numerous comedy television programmes, is often mistaken for a political commentator, due in part to his uniquely dry and oblique sense of humor. He has written jokes for over thirty thousand different clients, most of which were so obscure that they were not recognized as jokes at all by a clear majority of viewers. He has been described as just about everything you can possibly imagine at one point or another, except a comedy writer, a fact which vexes him greatly.
Despite the substantial evidence on the subject, Sean is not a homosexual chink. People only assume that because of his hairstyle and the twinkle in his eye, the bulge in his pocket and the blush on his cheeks when he interviews President George W. Bush. Sean has kids, so he cannot be gay (see Michael Jackson). His biography was the inspiration for the novel and movie Brokeback Mountain.
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[edit] A "Great American" "NAZI"
“YESSS!!!”
~ Sean Hannity on (top of) Rush Limbaugh
Sean, who is gay no matter what anyone says, decided at an early age that he wanted to be a "Great American", but had no idea what that meant or how to go about asserting this without seeming like a total tool. So, he stumbled on the idea of having a following of paid flunkies greet him at every possible opportunity with the phrase, "Hey Sean! You're a Great American!" This caught on, and now even complete strangers greet him with this nomenclature, as an indication that they understand the joke. Many seem to confuse this with being an actual Great American such as Harry Truman, Henry Ford, or Mr. T, but Sean does nothing to correct this, because it's funnier that way. If you are lucky enough to procure his services as a male prostitute, you can pay three "You're a Great American!"s for oral sex, and nine for the privilege of pounding his tight, unfunny rectum. Hannity ALWAYS swallows and will pay you whatever change he has in his pockets.
[edit] Life as an Altar Boy
“Oh father, forgive you, you have sinned.”
~ Sean Hannity on after having sex with priest, 1974
Sean was not born in the ordinary sense, but came into existence through a botched attempt to clone Ann Coulter. We know this because 'Sean Hannity' is an anagram of 'He's a tiny Ann'. A devout catholic, Sean spent most of his childhood as an altar boy at St. Paul's Cathedral in New York. It was while there at the age of 7, Sean lost his virginity to the high priest. The torrid affair continued until Sean was 14 and became "too old" for the job. Sean gladly recalls those days as "the best days of my life," and insists that the the priest did all the cocksucking, and Sean closed his eyes and thought of Liza Minelli, he remains staunchly heterosexual.
"Kids these days are always having babies at a young age," said Sean in 2001, "That kind of thing never happened in my day, especially not in my religious family." Added Hannity, "I'm not gay. Not even a little."
[edit] Rise to the Top
Too smart for college, Sean worked as a roofer until age 30. It was in that year that Sean bought a suit and went to a local radio station asking for a job. As fate would have it, the owner of the station said, "Sure, we're really short staffed, we'll take anybody. Only thing is we cannot afford to pay you, unless you accept payment in the form of a well-hung Afro-American man reaming your tight, unfunny rectum. I hope that's ok." Hannity is no racist, and since the other man was licking, Sean could keep his cherished heterosexuality, and in that moment history was made.
[edit] Hannity's dialectical chops
“If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.”
~ Yogi Berra on Sean Hannity
Hannity's fame and fortune increased dramatically when he devised an unbeatable and universal retort, which is capable of stripping away the disguise of all debate opponents and revealing them as the sniveling, back-stabbing, terrorist-appeasing, Osama-sucking collaborators that they are. Delivered at any point during a debate (or ideally, after the debate has ended), Hannity will loosen the belt, cock a leg, and let it fly: "Why Do You Hate America?TM" BAM! Big-L Liberals instantly catch fire, and Socrates himself is spontaneously resurrected just to shit his pants in awe. In fact, Socrates is a liberal so his shit catches fire too. The Centers for Disease Control has classified this so-called "Hannity Steamer" as a Class 4 Bio-Hazard, a designation previously only obtained by the putrid jockstrap where Rush Limbaugh hid his Oxycontin.
Artie Lange once attempted to reply with, "I love America, it's you I hate, you stupid Nazi!" However, this only resulted in half of Lange's leg being blown off. Hannity then brought out a homeless man with HIV who then had hot gay unprotected ass sex with Hannity's tight, unfunny rectum. The homeless man then licked Lange's wounds, thus healing them. This has been called the "The Miracle of the Homeless Dude Who Fucked Hannity's Tight Unfunny Rectum."
I know, Sean, not having any friends as you don't, life can be very lonely. But lay the fuck off Ron Paul.
Hannity's not gay. Not even though one of his books featured a detailed explanation of fisting.[1]
[edit] The menace of "these people"
[edit] And how we can protect our business interests from them, while still having time for golf.
As a devout opponent of the Liberal Media's deception, he uses his acidic wit to satirize the current climate of discourse by pretending to be a non-gay idiot. Directly denying recent news reports, accusing guests of blatant partisanship and then saying something blatantly partisan himself, or using "Ad Hominem" attacks to explain how "Ad Hominem" attacks are the only thing "These People" can do are some of his favorite pastimes.
Hannity is reluctant to explain just who "These People" are exactly, but does occasionally name names. Nancy Pelosi, Michael Moore, and Tinky Winky are among "These People", who Hannity insists are the greatest threat to freedom and wealth the country has ever faced, but just how they pose this threat remains a mystery. He is willing, however, to allow them to redeem themselves by plundering his tight, unfunny rectum with a bowling pin, wiffle bat, erect phallus, or a live gerbil (male gerbil ONLY).
[edit] Now, more than ever, we must work together to move forward for a better tomorrow
[edit] By which time, it will be then, more than now, at which point we will have to move backward to a better yesterday!
“When will then be now?”
~ Dark Helmet on the starship Spaceball One
Hannity's signature catch phrases such as "You have to understand that these people can't be understood!", "I am the most humble man there is!", "Can I please get someone to violate my hilarious, tight rectum?" and "The most comprehensive coverage on your radio dial!" have entertained hundreds and baffled thousands more with their self-contradicting nature. Some other famous quotes are listed below.
- If these people had their way, we'd all be speaking Iraqi by now!
- It's this attitude of appeasement and capitulation which enabled North Vietnam to conquer California!
- Surrender is not a defense strategy, especially when you're surrendering to unarmed refugees!
- I think it's awful that in this country, any young woman can just accuse any sports hero she feels like of rape without suffering any consequences! I think she wanted to be raped!
- People talk about "hate crimes," but what about the Bush Haters? I mean, what kind of anti-American wacko would hate such a defenseless, mildly retarded, and completely powerless child??
- The richest 1% of the population pays almost 2% of the taxes! That's twice as much as the other 99%!!
- Cindy Sheehan participates in "Bukkaki Gay porn Chat rooms"
[edit] Tilted Head
Hannity suffers from a very rare bone disorder (known as Spinal Retardiconservitalism) that tilts his head to the right and often completely horizontal. Often only seen off camera, the disorder has caused Hannity's view points and words to be skewed and fall off the right side of his face. On the book cover above, the image was flipped to show that Hannity still has no support for the smarter half of the political sphere. Having his head tilted to one direction has often sparked some critics to call him "Slanthead".
[edit] Published works
- Deliver Us From High Prices: These People's War on High Volume Department Stores
- Traitors, Tramps, and Thieves: How the Media Screwed your Daughter Last Night
- Hogwash: How the Media Eats Babies
- How to Rape Like a Pro: A How-To Book on Raping with the Best of Them.
- Truths, and the Honest Truth-telling True People who Tell Them
- I Am NOT A Part of the Media: How the Media Makes you Think I Work For Them
- Answer The Goddamn Question: You People! I Swear!
- Ode to the White Sheet I Wear Everyday
- Hannity's Guide to Sodomy.
- Notes I Stole from Rush Limbaugh
- More Notes I Stole from Rush Limbaugh
- Mein Kampf: A Love Story
- So You Want to Rape Children and Minorities? A Connoisseurs Guide.
- Hitler- Misunderstood man
- Sean Hannity: Why I'm the best and why I hate the Jews.
- CNN: A network for gay-loving, pussy terrorists who hate America
[edit] See also
