Washington State

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“ Washington? Isn't that the state where all those rednecks live? ”

~ Rush Limbaugh on I'm the Greatest Person Ever

Washington State, or "Rainland," as it is known to its inhabitants, is home to many creatures, not limited to the yuppie, the salmon, and the dead possum. The yuppie's natural habitat is the main streets of the city of Seattle, which is also known to contain the second largest homosexual population in the entire United States, surpassed only by San Francisco. It has been determined that Washington is the only state in the union that smells like pork. As a result, the entire population is made up of pig eaters.

Contents 1 Starbucks 2 Mt. Rainier 3 Washington Government 4 CITY OF DUVALL...DOES IT EXIST? 5 Seattle's East Side - Bellevue, Mercer Island, Issaquah and Kirkland 6 The Renton "S" Curves 7 Grays Harbor County

[edit] Starbucks

To those who live outside the state, it is best identified by the brownish swill drank by the majority of its residents. Led by The guy behind you that runs away when you turn around , Starbucks was created as an organization to provide the power for political liberals to take over the USA. Some say that drinking Starbucks provides strength of mind, resulting in ultra-intelligent supermen capable of thought control, who can then cause congressmen to vote in favor of anti-American policies and cause people to hate George W. Bush.

[edit] Mt. Rainier

That tall white thing. Governer Christine (Balls to the wall) Gregiore resides and makes sacrifices on Mt. Rainier. A few years ago she shot a Blackhawk helicopter out of the sky while on a search and rescue mission. It killed a few hikers, but there are still about eight million hikers in the state of Washington according to the 2004 census.

[edit] Washington Government

The capitol of Washington is located in the city of Redmond. The state is led by the dictator Bill Gates, an insane borg whose sole purpose is to make money and enslave humanity. As of April of 2007, Bill Gates has forced all humans to leave their homes and start new lives in Microsoft County. This was done to make room for more borgs to begin living in the rest of the state, so they can code new versions of Windows.

[edit] CITY OF DUVALL...DOES IT EXIST?

If you live in this state full of "green" trendtastic residents who drive their Bmw Three Series or Lexus to the Kirkland whole foods, you are most likely familiar with the city of Duvall. sure you hear Jene Ennerson or the black weatherman on Komo 4 talk about it but have you ever been there? Everybody hears about Duvall but there is no first hand experience of seeing it. Its always from a friend of a friend or your buddy says "yeah i went there last weekend". The truth is that it is all a government conspiracy. The U.S. house of representatives and the severely misunderstood ROBO GARY LOCKE are trying to hide the truth. What is the truth? Teams of investigators still have not discovered it. If one of your friends has been trying to convince you with pictures and storys of his or relatives do not trust him! They were brainwashed by the government to try to wipe out the true believers. You can believe what you want to believe but there is no Duvall...just as the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival it is really a co-operation between the Soviet government and the planet Zenorx 56 to conduct testing on asian tourists.

[edit] Seattle's East Side - Bellevue, Mercer Island, Issaquah and Kirkland

On the eastern shore of Lake Boeing (formerly Lake Washington) resides the independent Kingdom of the East Side. Kirkland is the capitol with Bellevue (sorta turned into Everett in 2028 after the Bellevue Square Mall closed) and Mercer Island as the outlying areas. The East Side is the only place in the state that has not been overtaken by dictator Bill Gates. In the Paul Allen vs. Microsoft War of 2021 Paul Allen, the Seahawks and whatever the fuck else he owns were driven across the lake to Seattle's east side. In a defiant last stand, Paul Allen stole the Space Needle and brought it to Kirkland. This damaged Seattle by taking it off those quirky little tourist maps that show shit like the St. Louis Arch and the Statue of the French Feeling Guilty so Here's a Present.

The hover bridges (which replaced the 520 and I-90 floating bridges in 2017 when Boeing declared itself the Washington State Department of Transportation) were ordered to be destroyed immediately by dictator Bill Gates. This cut off the East Side from Seattle's trendy co-ops. So Paul searched high and low for an even more trendy version of a co-op. This came in the form of a Whole Foods market. Unfortunately, the side affect to the extreme trendyness was the prices and it soon shot the East Side into the economic recession of 2024. Paul quickly found a solution by farming students at the University of Washington which applied for ivy league status in 2010.

Today the East Side is a near utopia. Tax breaks are given for those who buy houses in housing developments where houses start at 1.5 million for a view of a Fred Meyers and 1.8 million for a view of a boutique shopping mall. Tax breaks are also given to those who drive their kids to soccer or lacrosse practice (football and baseball not being nearly trendy enough) in a Lexus or Infiniti. In the year 2063, people started moving away from the East Side to Issiquah because the socialist regime of the band MODEST MOUSE promised a new Starbucks superstore. This resulted in the severe depopulation of the East Side.

Paul (now half cyborg) launched an invasion of Issiquah. Issiquah fell quickly but Modest Mouse's imperial guard fled to the shitty ski area known as Snoqoulmie Pass. There an epic battle took place, but luckily Paul ordered his pet lake monster to kill shit and they won. With the victory of the Issiquah Salmon Days War as it later became known, the East Side annexed Issiquah and Snoqoulmie pass. Today the East Side is extremely peace-loving and still a near utopian society. Unfortunately, today Bill Gates the fifth is still upholding the embargo on the east side JFK-style. Therefore, no other Washingtonians will be able to see this wonderful society.

[edit] The Renton "S" Curves

The Renton "S" Curves its where the party is at every Tuesday at 3:30 am to 3:30 pm, you may have to fight for turf with local street racing 14 year olds. The attire for each night changes check in with WSDOT for the appropriate dress code. Local folk lore says that if you get too wasted at the "S" Curves you might end up in Federal Way with Chief Big Cloud.

[edit] Grays Harbor County

Grays Harbor county is well known for being one of the happiest regions in the hemisphere. Initially abandoned by the indigenous tribes due to the intense vortex of all habitable surroundings, they sold the region to the whites for a sum totaling in several billions of dollars. The white man in his superior happiness-cultivating skill reformed the area from a pristine but savage rain forest into several industrious and civilized logging mills, meth labs and other per capita income lowering institutions.

The town currently undergoing the most growth and urban renewal is the town of Aberdeen, home of child star Kurt Cobain. The city council of Aberdeen recently revised their vote mandating the official count of teeth required to achieve 'sexy bitch status' be a maximum total of six, causing uproar among the neighboring towns. Westport has threatened a class action lawsuit and Montesano is currently considering sending in the national guard to quell an uprising from Aberdeen, fearing Aberdeen will soon attempt to steal the coveted position of county seat from them.