Seattle Seahawks
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Seattle Seahawks are a violent street gang led by black people that dominate the poorer neighborhoods of the Pacific Northwest. The Seahawks are known for their trademark color, puke green, representing the gang's founder's penchant for ugly Canadian Football League jerseys.
In the late 1960s, the Seahawks also stole an NFL team and began immediately running it face-first into the ground.
[edit] Founding
During the 1950s, Waylan Smithers was a notorious library robber in Portland, OR. He was known for shouting at librarians until the police arrived. Then he would engage the police officers in single combat, finished by tearing out the officer's left kidney and offering as a sacrifice to the goddess Kali.
Following a rather bloody escapade robbing the University of Oregon library in downtown Eugene, OR, Smithers escaped by demanding an airplane in exchange for releasing hostages he took. He then disappeared by sky diving from the plane somewhere near the Columbia River.
Smithers hid in the woods of Washington state, fading into obscurity. One day, a nearby village called upon Indiana Jones to go recover the Sankara stone from Smithers.
Smithers moved north to Seattle. There he gathered a small army of trained rats to gnaw at the ankles of his enemies. This small army of rats somehow evolved into the Seattle Seahawks.
[edit] Early days
By the mid-1960s, the Seahawks controlled nearly 2/3 of the drugs trade in and around Seattle. The gang ran other gangs into the ground using brutal tactics such as telemarketing, push-polls, leafletting, whisper campaigns and the always-deadly finders-keepers.
The Seahawks created huge outrage in the city. They rebuilt the Space Needle into a proper and attractive building rather than an affront to architechture. They introduced brakdancing. They invented what would become whigger rap.
Smithers realized the gang was shitting where they ate. So, to make nice with the city, he used the revenues from drug dealing to buy an NFL expansion team.
[edit] NFL
The Seahawks instantly rocketed upward to the worst team in pro football. This was compounded by the fact that Smithers insisted the team play like a Canadian football team. This meant playing good for only two downs and then giving up the ball and also refusing to use proper English, referring to balls as bolls.
The NFL banned the Seahawks for five years after it was discovered that the team not only ignored, but condoned kitten huffing.
When the Seahawks returned to the league in 1983, they hired Mike Holmgren as coach and considered changing their mascot to the walrus since he was there anyway. They kept the Seahawk name and embarked on a successful 23-year rebuilding plan. By 2006, the Seahawks were pounding asses in the Super Bowl, but unfortunately once the game actually started they lost big time. After two missed kicks, a deadly interception, and some stupid penalties, the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl to the Pittsburgh Steelers even though the Steelers didn't take the field until just before half because they were practicing their Village People halftime routine. This led to a lengthy campaign of pissing and moaning by all of the Seahawks fans (known as the Angry Nukkas), the coaches, and sports writers who had the need to make a damned boring game sound interesting.
Next up for the Seahawks appears to be another lengthy stretch of mediocrity, and Holmgren claims that in 5 years from now the whole organization will be completely legit.
