Seed drill

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The seed drill is a mechanical device, originally invented by Jesus Christ, used to plant seeds at uniform depths in straight rows. Jesus invented the machine on the advice of Judas Iscariot, which later caused the other Apostles to be strongly jealous of his friendship with the Savior, eventually leading to his betrayal at the hands of the Apostles to the Roman Empire.

Contents 1 History 2 Construction 3 Usage 4 Repercussions

[edit] History

Jesus and his disciples had been wandering Judea for fourteen months, preaching the Gospel, using the same allegories over and over again each time. Everyone was really getting fucking tired of it. One allegory Jesus just wouldn't shut up about was how there had been bad seed scattered amongst the good seed planted by the LORD. Judas Iscariot, tired of hearing this story for the six millionth(give or take) time, remarked, "Hey, Dumbfuck, if You're so concerned about seed germination why doesn't Your Holy Father miracle you a machine to sow with improved efficiency?" Shocked, everyone was silent for roughly five minutes. Then, seeing that Judas was not about to have a can of Smite-Ass opened up on him, Jesus realized that there was great truth in his words- there wouldn't be bad seed sown in with the good seed the LORD had sown if He had used a machine to do it. He set to inventing and constructing such a device, and became best friends with Judas.

That night, they led a massive raid on the Roman Empire Police Department's headquarters. As they fled the scene, Jesus and Judas made off with goods worth roughly seven dollars(figures not adjusted for inflation). Later on, the other Apostles would become bitterly envious of their relationship, and plot to sabotage it by betraying Judas to the Roman Authorities.

[edit] Construction

The first seed drill was created using spare exercise equipment raided from REPD training centers. As such, it was highly inefficient, and Jesus had to carry it around by himself. The body was made of breaking wheels and musical organs, both of which would later be extremely popular torture devices among Jesus's followers. The harness where Jesus strapped himself to the device was built from a crucifix, and constituted the majority of the device's mass. Because the device was so heavby and bulky, few humans besides Jesus and His immediate family were capable of actually using it, and it was largely regarded as useless and a failure.

[edit] Usage

With His new seed drill, Jesus went around the region, sowing seeds of faith in his followers with 800% improved efficiency. The new faith was also in straight, uniform rows, and allowed for any stray growths to be forcibly weeded out with hoes. The Jewish Pharisees, who had been using the same agricultural techniques for thousands of years, denounced Jesus's new machine as heresy, blasphemy, sacrelige, and gay.

[edit] Repercussions

Following the immense success of the seed drill, the Romans and Jews conspired to kill Jesus. To achieve this, they played Judas and the other Apostles against each other. On the Ides of March, Pontius Pilate and the Apostles stabbed Judas to death during his daily three-way with Mary Magdalene and the (former) Virgin Mary.

Judas, being somewhat wise and extremely paranoid, had warned Jesus that his life might be in danger the night before. He chose not to attend the banquet in His honor that night. However, the Roman Authorities tracked Him down to His summer home in the Bahamas. He was arrested and taken back to Judea for judgement and crucifixion.