Seemingly-Innocuous Man
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“Is he me? What?”
Seemingly-Innocuous Man is a very real superhero who has the strange ability to not seem threatening to anyone. He has foiled many plots of hedious, feindish doom thought up by dozens of unwitting villains (all of them British and with moustaches) and has attempted to assassinate George Bush Jr. twice, once in 2004 and once in 2006. Sometimes he requires the help of the Cognitive Dissonant and Without Powers Guy.
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[edit] Seemingly-Innocuous Man and Associated Partnerships
The official string of Seemingly-Innocuous Man stores (company name SIM-Co) are spread worldwide and sell anything from giant novelty hands reading '<3 SIM' to bondage gear signed by SIM himself. They also sell movies and books based on his adventures, one of the most famous and popular of which is Dr. Diablo (extract below). The headquarters and CEO of SIM-Co, Pellaeon, are (according to sources) based in Coruscant. Pellaeon has said that we shouldn't publicise any of his works or he'll take legal action, but fortunately we think his claims are bullshit.
[edit] Extract from Dr. Diablo
"Ha ha ha!" cackled Dr. Diablo. His shrill cry reverberated throughout his cavernous lair like a blast of mentally-unstable thunder. "At last I have captured all who would dare to interfere with my maniacal plans! With Sir Justice and his faithful sidekick--er... whoever you are--finally out of the picture, I shall unleash fiery and unpleasant doom upon the populace!"
Sir Justice and his unnamed sidekick, bolted to the wall, squirmed impotently within the confines of their bonds. They were helpless to resist the fate that Dr. Diablo had prepared for them and the rest of humanity. Just across from them his Doomray pulsed a vibrant blue, illuminating the underground facility in a eerie wash of color as it charged to full capacity. Once it reached critical energy, the rural northeastern portion of Lancaster County, Nebraska would be completely vaporized.
Dr. Diablo now turned to his lovely lab assistant, Ms. Expendable. "Ms. Expendable, won't you please--"
He was interrupted as Ms. Expendable was summarily shot dead and collapsed in a heap, revealing the ominous figure of Seemingly-Innocuous Man. "Oh! Hi Seemingly-Innocuous Man! I didn't see you come in! Say, I don't suppose you might have seen any assassins lurking about? My lab assistant has been mysteriously shot."
Seemingly-Innocuous Man proceeded to re-holster his smoking gun and sweep the sweat from his furrowed brow. "Actually, I was wondering about a Deathray I had heard that you had. Is it somewhere around here?"
"In fact, it is right over there. I was just about to use it to destroy this here rural northeastern portion of Lancaster County. A diabolically insidious plot, if I do say so myself!"
"Does it have a self-destruct?"
"Why, yes! That control panel right over there is it... the keycode is 4584937. Don't tell anyone though, there have been some superheros out trying to destroy it!"
"Oh, ok. Thanks bunches."
"Now, where was I... oh, yes! DOOOM! TERRIBLE AWFUL DOOOOM!!!"
Dr. Diablo howled with laughter. Meanwhile, Seemingly-Innocuous Man quietly made his way over to the secret control panel and entered the self-destruct unlock code. Dr. Diablo continued to cackle as Seemingly-Innocuous Man ventured over to the imprisoned heroes and freed them of their bonds. As they were making their way out the helpfully illuminated emergency exit, Dr. Diablo finally ceased his maniacal laughing and notice the absence of his captives.
"T-minus 30 seconds to self-destruction," boomed a voice overhead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED!?" he wailed.
Seemingly-Innocuous Man only shrugged. Some mysteries would never be known.
[edit] Other Books/Films Based on Seemingly-Innocuous Man
Seemingly-Innocuous Man has had many other comics and shows based on him, such as We're All Going to Hell Except For Seemingly-Innocuous Man and The Warm Rinse Cycle, but unfortunately the vast majority sucked on the level of gay sex Harry Potter fan-fiction. They were all righteously burnt.
Two, however, were almost tolerable, such as The Neverending Story of Seemingly Innocuous Man. This was taken out of production when enraged lawyers lynch-mobbed the creator. The other is shown directly below.
[edit] The Thematic Backmusician
One novel (coincidentally the only non-official SIM book that was not declared a crime against humanity and God) was produced by George Costanza, titled The Thematic Backmusician. The opening plot involves the Backmusician setting up an ambush for Seemingly-Innocuous Man. He hid in wait for him in the park across from Union Square. When Seemingly-Innocuous Man came past the Backmusician produced some foreboding music to cause an ominous fate for Seemingly-Innocuous Man. When this trap failed (due to the concentration of ice-cream trucks in the nearby area) and Seemingly-Innocuous Man tried to arrest the Backmusician, he played The Great Escape to provide a comedic escape for himself. Seemingly-Innocuous Man, thinking quickly, walked calmly after the Backmusician. The Backmusician, looking behind him, only noticed some uninteresting looking guy following him, and was caught by Seemingly-Innocuous Man shortly thereafter.
