Self-destruct
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Self-destruct buttons: History,Processes and Implementations
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[edit] Pre-history
Throughout the development of civilisation it has been recognised that all technological advancements have required the inclusion of a self-destruct button. Archaeological evidence unearthed in clay pits in Mesopotamia (now a region of Norfolk, England) revealed early iron-age man had created crude hunting and cutting tools fashioned from iron and wood. However, there were telling signs that these early craftsman had attempted to install a self-destruct mechanism onto these tools. It is unclear whether there were effective, indeed the very survival of these artefacts would imply that the self-destruct mechanism had failed. Although nuclear-based explosive destruction devises where probably difficult to build with just iron, stone, and wood, experts have put forward other possible explanations for the "un-destructed" items. J. Tickclok (1929) suggested that these may have been prototypic items, the self-destruct mechanisms merely added to demonstrate the final (now destructed) tools. This idea was extended by F. Downcount (1931) who proposed these were of religious or ceremonial significance and not intended for actual use. Neither theory is backed up by any significant evidence, however, and are largely disregarded by present day experts.
[edit] Self-destruction in classical antiquity
The writings or Minibus of Thebes (14 BC) describe the extensive use of the self-destruct button throughout the Roman legion's weaponry. This indicates a shift from the pre-historic use of self-destructs on everyday objects such as bowls, spoons, and cows, moving towards more sinister and war-like objects such as swords, trebuchets, clubs, axes, cows, daggers, and tridents. Toolateitis (55 AD) made numerous descriptions of successful glatiators self-destructing following brutal slaughter of christians, slaves, and assorted prisoners and family pets. The phrase "He went out with a bang" ("Ecce ex gonna pop") has been attributed to this phenomenon. This is the beginnings of the progression from simple weaponry towards the modern and future use of the self-destruct on larger weapon-based, global-domination-based, and/or secret-base-based installations.
[edit] Self-destruct buttons in the Dark ages
The most famous historical act of self-destruction was by King Harold at the Battle of Hastings (1966) only recently coming to light when the last "missing" 76cm of the Bayeux Tapestry was found in the Norwich branch of C & A's (Fabrics department) in 1973. After suffering a fatal arrow wound to the eye, Harold is depicted opening the casing of his self-destruct unit:
"..and dyd but presse hif royale selfe destruct buttun: say loud laff dyd he, the counter falling to nothing by secondes for three score, and all Williams men did run from the field of arms before Harold dyd detonate, Harold sayth to all 'oop yours thou froggy bast...' and none more heard has the ball of fyre roseth and consum-ed the slower runners in the atomic fire-balle"
Geoffry of Ipswich, Hasting, my battle memoirs, 1067
[edit] Self-destruction in the Scottish Enlightenment
While much is known about the religious and theological developments produced by thinkers such as John "the thinker" Knox, Kelvin "the drinker" Calvin, Martin "The King" Luther, Robert "the tinker" Protestant, and George "the stinker" Buchanan, particularly with respect to the reformation and subsequent development of the protestant church in Scotland during the 16th and 17th century, even more is not known about these thinkers' continual use of "exploding prayers". These where prayers that exploded (though not on Sundays). How this was achieved was initially thought to be as a result of explosive thoughts being expounded by these thinkers, the form of prayer be considered explosive by the population at large in the Kirks and other places of worship around Scotland and England at that time. Experts have since shown that it was more likely achieved by the attachment of 14 kilos of TNT concealed within the back page of the prayer books distributed at that time. It was nearly 20 years before the bookshelf-destruct prayer books were to be replaced by the Common Prayer Book (referred to as "common" as the previous editions were inclined to be rare).
[edit] Self-destruction: Modern megalomaniacs and their secret installations
Students of civil engineering and architecture have been taught since the 1930's of the importance of including into the design and construction of any significant building project the necessity to allow the said building/complex of buildings to have the capability to blow up, either through an uncontrollable chain reaction initiated by a small, but startlingly obvious manner, or by entering a code into a keypad that can only be accessed via a glass fronted panel once other panels have automatically moved away to reveal said keyboard. In the latter ("pre-intentioned") form of self-destruction it is particularly important that a woman's (surprisingly calm, considering what's about to happen) voice should be heard over the tannoy system announcing that the time left to reach safety (a distance that cannot be reached in time if you can still hear the announcement, but never mind). This process should preferably be irreversible (unless within 1 second of detonation, and only by cutting one of 2 wires, the red one or the blue one). Experts believe it is the blue one. Probably.
The other requirement is that these buildings should ideally be constructed for megalomaniacs, are concealed within major geological phenomena (like mountains, volcanoes, Norwich, or Pacific Islands). Or the Moon. Previous megalomaniacs include Adolf Hitler, whose underground bunker would have exploded had it not been for Russian soldiers managing to cut the blue wire one second before demolishing most of south Berlin (under which lay Hitler's immense complex of complexes which had failed to win the war). Experts believe his dying words will have been: "Donna und blitzen! Wer ist das grossen bangen...?" However he did have one more trick up his sleeve, or rather under his nose. Experts have discovered that Hitler had an exploding moustache. As it was only a small moustache he will have only have been partly self-destructed. Adol Hit then shot himself.
Joseph Stalin, by contrast, had a very large moustache. Experts speculate that when he finally ended his life in 1973 he simultaneously destroyed much of western Siberia. These well known examples of self-destructing facial hair has pointed towards the worrying use of beards for the same purpose. US security operatives in Iraq, and their Israeli counterparts in the West Bank and Gaza have long been suspicious and wary of beards. Although Walt Disney probably feared beards for other reasons, it would seem likely that beards are set to become classed as "un-American" in the near future (as part of President Bush's Beards and Moustaches Look Dodgy and Un-American To Me Bill currently going through Congress). John Knox had a beard too.
[edit] The future for self-destructs
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