Sephiroth

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Sephiroth, not to be confused with David Lee Roth, was the founder and lead singer of the hit metal band, S O L D I E R.

Contents 1 Early Life 2 The Band Years 2.1 Fandom 2.2 Accusations against the Band 2.3 Rufus is dead? 2.4 The end of an era 3 Discography

[edit] Early Life

Sephiroth was born in 1975 in a commune in the Adirondacks, to his mother, Lucrecia, and his father, Professor Hojo. Due to his feminine looks, he was beaten up many times in junior high school and vowed to "Come back one day and kill those fuckers." Seriously. I mean it. Later, he attended Midgar High, where he discovered his passion for death metal. He went to Sector 6 Community College, where he met his later band mate, Bill D. "President" Shinra. He dropped out after flunking basic calculus and airshipology and formed his first band, MaTeRiA.

[edit] The Band Years

MaTeRiA was composed of a few of Sephiroth's college buddies who decided to quit school and learn to ROCK. The founding members were Sephiroth himself (singer), President Shinra (lead guitar), Zack (drums), and Reno (bass guitar). Despite early successes such as Cetra Reborn and Cosmo Rock, the band was a financial failure.

In 1999, President Shinra was found dead in a motel room in Detroit, covered with stab wounds. His son, Rufus Shinra, filled his position. Sephiroth was accused of the murder, citing an argument he'd had with President the night before, but no charges were ever filed. Reno, displeased (read: pissed out of his mind) at the new choice of guitarist, left the band and formed the rival band Reno and the Turks. The new bass guitarist, Dyne, was an admirable replacement, despite the fact that he had a gun for a hand, which he often fired into the crowd at concerts. The tragedy was not yet over, though, for in 2000 Zack was killed in a drive-by shooting outside of Midgar. The band must go on, however, and an old fraternity brother, Cloud Strife, took over the drums. Seeing this dramatic rotation of the roster, Sephiroth renamed the band S O L D I E R, and the band went on to hit the top ten several times between 2002 and 2010, with the songs:

• Stab That Bitch
• Meteor
• Black Materia
• Calamity (From the Skies!)
• One-Winged Angel
• Heartless Angel (Sin Harvest)
• Knights Of the Round
• Materia Girl (featuring Yuffie)
• Advent Children
• Dead (Encore)
• "It's only a heavy concussion"
• Look Out, I'm Back For The Sequel
• Don't Like It? I'll Destroy Your Planet
• Extremely Massive Sword
• Supernova
• Jealousy is Mako Green
• Lemon Curry?
• Fuck The Lifestream
• My Sword Can Butcher You In Half

Sephiroth also featured in several advertising campaigns, including those of Mitsubishie.

[edit] Fandom

After the release of their first album and the following tour, S O L D I E R quickly gathered a worldwide, underground fan-base. This spurred the making of the band's official fanclub, Clone. A custom amongst Clone members is to wear black hoods or capes, so to make themselves identifiable to fellow S O L D I E R fans. In order to separate themselves from the "regular fans", the more hard core fans of S O L D I E R have an additional custom of tattooing their Clone membership number onto their body.

[edit] Accusations against the Band

At the height of their popularity, S O L D I E R was accused of intentionally placing morally corruptive and dangerous messages in their music when the songs were played in reverse, including "Douse yourselves in Mako", "Sephiroth is God", and "Vote Republican". However, the people making these accusations were fine, upstanding and morally upright people, and thus easily ignorable. The accusations of planted messages, however, came to a climax with the "Rufus is Dead" craze.

[edit] Rufus is dead?

During the fall of 2006 Rufus was injured publicly in a barfight with Diamond Weapon. Due to the disfiguring nature of his injuries, he opted to remain out of the public spotlight for some time. His sudden disappearance created speculation, that he had not, in fact been injured, but rather killed. Proponents of this theory pointed to the cover of the album "Nibelheim ist Burn", where a car license plate is inscribed with "21IF". Proponents argued that the 21, divided by 7 (Rufus's shoe size) came to 3, the exact number of shots Rufus had had that night! When critics pointed out that this was completely irrelevant, proponents argued that near the end of Knights of the Round, when played backwards, one could hear Cloud saying "I buried Rufus". Critics, however, argued that he was not saying "I buried Rufus" and that a more accurate rendering of his words was "Ylenol me nyip hab". This is usually when the proponents would punch the critics in the mouth, and the critics would retaliate with a chair, and basically everything went to hell.

All rumours were dispelled, however, when Rufus showily unveiled himself during the first concert performance of Advent Children. Many theorise that this was actually bullshit taking the form of Rufus. Authorities in Ketchikan, Alaska, however, still maintain that Rufus is held prisoner there.

[edit] The end of an era

All things must come to an end, however, and in 2013 Dyne was killed in a rock-climbing accident. The band, which had not had a hit song in several years, debated who was to be the replacement. Rufus supported Cait Sith, but two days later Rufus was killed by a disgruntled fan who had felt betrayed when Rufus had turned out to not, in fact, be dead. Sephiroth and Cloud decided to dissolve the band. It was later picked back up again by Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz. They maintained the same style as the ultimate Sepiroth fanboys/girls/whatever the hell they are. As QUIKSLVR, the name of their band, they were only liked by certain Pokemon and the band was later abandoned when Cloud hit Kadaj in the head with an old record. Kadaj got a concussion, and forgot all about the band, perminately disbanding it.

Despite the passing of years, Sephiroth remained a focus for such bastions of reliable journalism as People and the National Inquirer. Still, once the media frenzy died down, Vincent Valentine and Hojo, who both had claimed to be Sephiroth's true father, attempted to meet with him. Hojo arranged a meeting between Vincent and Sephiroth, and died shortly thereafter. Sephiroth reacted violently to Vincent's presence (possibly under the influence of Mako), requiring Cloud, Vincent, and several other roadies to restrain him. No one knows exactly what happened, but the entire Earth was nearly destroyed.

Also, in 2032, Sephiroth actually went back and killed those fuckers. Then he took a nap. A long, peaceful nap... no he was not killed.

In 2036 Sephiroth fused super-saiyan style with Kefka. This event created off-the-scale Fanboy Radiation, which caused the fabric of time and space to collapse within a five-mile radius, killing him, Kefka, and 367.2 fanboys all in one go. It has been said the funeral was spectacular, seeing as he was buried in a KISS Kasket, but all witnesses were killed when the corpse spontaneously combusted. Seriously, that happened.

Sephiroth has been reportedly sighted in Des Moines, driving in a Yugo, very fast, with Elvis.

[edit] Discography

   * A.V.A.L.A.N.C.H.E. 
   * The Midgar Chronicles
   * Mako Power
   * Secrets of the Ancients
   * The Junon Tapes (a tribute to MaTeRiA's old style)
   * Masamune
   * Nibelheim ist Burn
   * Airetamnikufesin
   * Black Materia
   * Still More Fighting
   * Bishier than You
   * The Moon is Down (with guest appearance by Red XIII)
   * The End of the World
   * WEAPON (Three disc anthology containing "Ruby", "Emerald" and "Diamond" - after the band's end,
there was a special re-release with previously unreleased material on two discs, named "Omega" 
and "Ultima".)
   *  Live at the Golden Saucer