Sepp Blatter

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“Because of you I never streak too far up the sidewalk”

~ Kelly Clarkson on Sepp Blatter

“Usurping bastard!”

~ Jeremy Clarkson on Sepp Blatter

“Footballers are slaves. I know this from the personal experience of being a footballer.”

~ Sepp Blatter on being someone who has never been a footballer

Sepp Blatter (b. 24 Septemuary 1932 BC), also known as Septic Bladder, was the lead singer of the band FIFA. He is known to occasionally make nonsensical utterings on-stage regarding performances of football referees, particularly during the 2006 FIFA World Cup, sponsored by an organisation of the same name as his band. His propensity to consume red wine during on-stage performances has seen protest letters being sent by, most notably, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Vladimir Putin, and David Hasselhoff. He has promised much but delivered little, his pledge to sing for hungry African children, or grant Oceania an automatic World Cup qualification spot, were largely unfulfilled.

1 Early career
2 Musical career
3 Summary of Work
- 3.1 Discography
- 3.2 Top 10 Hits
4 See Also

[edit] Early career

Blatter was educated at St. Albans Church School, Limerick, until the age of 13, when he stated his desire to become a marine biologist. Subsequently he won scholarships to highly prestigious universities, such as the University of Wooloomoolloo, to which he eventually applied. There he studied Strayanism (study of Australian culture); but one night, fuelled by excessive Tooheys New, he was overcame with the burning ambition to start a band. With the help of illustrious artists like Pablo Picasso and Leonardo da Vinci, he appeared on Australian Idol, and was given a TOUCHDOWN! by judge Mark "I really love Ford" Holden for his rendition of I'm Every Woman. Eventually, he narrowly missed out on a finals berth because of a contentious refereeing decision which saw him dismissed for challenging Kate DeAraugo from behind. Blatter claimed it was a cucumber.

[edit] Musical career

Despite the setback, Blatter found fame by appearing alongside Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in the Kelly Clarkson MTV clip, "Beware of You", playing a little girl abandoned by her Trekkie-father because she watches too much Star Wars. He was immediately snapped up by OMG Music Label, who put him together with Guy Sebastian and Justin Guarini to form the band FIFA. It was quickly revealed that Sebastian and Studdard are male-bots designed to kill Austen Powers, but mistook Blatter for Powers because of similarities of their chest-hairs. The two male-bots disintegrated and released two highly radioactive elements, "Angelsbroughtmehereium" (symbol Agm) and "Fromjustintokellyium" (symbol sh*thole). The deleterious effects of those chemicals can still be felt in remote parts of Australia, mostly inhibited by goats (such as Queensland).

To date, Blatter is no longer playing with himself at FIFA, now replaced by Michel Steakplatter. However, his most recent negotiation to perform live at Madison Square Gardens with Tom Cruise was turned down. His attempts to lure Cruise's favourite Couch to be his bass player was also turned down. With little financial support and Blatter's own endless meddling with his strings, the future of FIFA appears doomed. It's now up to Steakplatter to try and sort out the future.