Seppuku

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The ancient art of suicide by Frisbee. [1]

Usually performed by a Ninja, and mothers out of wedlock, to the tune of "Sara," by 80's band Starship.

See [2]

Can be used in conjunction with bukkake for seppukakke

While the aforementioned data is technically true, it is disturbingly incomplete.

[edit] Ancient Seppuku

Samurai, not fearing death as the cowardly ninjas did, gladly were willing to kill themselves to prove the point. When a Samurai had been dishonored in some way, He would, rather than allow himself to be known as some kind of pansy, seek out highly painful and awesome way of killing himself, which ranged from self-inflicted disembowelment followed by a beheading at the hands of a trusted second to challenging Bill Brasky to an arm wrestling match. In the later McChopSuey dynasty it became the norm to eat oneself, with the greatest awesomeness going to those who could eat the most of themselves before they died of being a pussy bloodloss. It is also to be noted that if you survive the former, it is almost certainly one of the most pleasant experience of one's life, along with being hanged, drawn and quartered.

Because of this, the Samurai were a perfect example of natural selection (if you take our meaning). Due to Seppuku, only the best and brightest of Samurai are left (which is saying a lot when you consider how friggin' awesome Samurai are) - ensuring that they are closest to the level of asskickingness of Ving Rhames and Mr. T.

Former living person George W. Bush before his ritualistic suicide. Also pictured, Dick Cheney and Al Gore

[edit] Political Seppuku

Following the “Politicians Need to Stop Lying” act of 1983 passed by Samurai president and Discordian holy man Benito Enrico Pulatso, seppukku became the law for politicians. Ever since, any politician caught in a lie, or in some other way dishonoring himself, would be forced to commit not only political suicide, but also a ritualistic suicide in the literal sense.

Perhaps the most notable such suicide was George W. Bush (Pictured) after the truth about his military history came out, as well as the fact that he was a cheerleader. The current president is actually a corpse puppet that is being controlled by the Illuminati.

[edit] Seppuku: The Drink

The Samurai, in addition to being outstanding warriors, were also legendary drunks. As much as they enjoyed sake, whiskey, bourbon, scotch, vodka, grain alcohol, moonshine, gin, and others, they needed further proof (no pun intended) that they could drink anyone or anything else under the proverbial table.

So, one drunken night, a Samurai Peace-Lord and a Samurai Philosopher decided to mix all of the aforementioned types of alcohol and add in a few other secret ingredients (rumors range from gasoline to cough syrup to lead-based paint) to create the most potent alcoholic beverage ever known, the Samurai Seppuku, so named because it would be suicide for anyone other than a Samurai to drink it.*

This drink kicks the CRAP outta the pan galactic gargle blaster - though there is nothing like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

• Naturally, this does not include people like Ving Rhames, Mr. T, Bill Brasky, Keith Moon, or anyone from Ireland.

[edit] Samurai Seppuku > All Others

The Samurai Seppuku is commonly accepted to be far greater than the supposed Ninja Seppuku in a number of ways, but most significantly in motivation: The Samurai, as previously stated, only killed themselves after having been dishonored (or after sex with a schoolgirl), in order to preserve their Honor and Great Justice. Ninjas, on the other hand, only killed themselves after failing. Most leave notes to the effect that death is superior to taunting and tormenting at the hands of more popular ninjas. Failures that could lead to such a suicide for a ninja included not being good-looking enough or being rejected by a member of the opposite sex.

[edit] The Samurai-Pirate Conundrum

Many people are wondering "Well, sure Samurai are awesome, but what about pirates?!" The Samurai and Pirates have signed the Samu-Pira Accord of 57 B.C. In the agreement, it was agreed that while one group might be better than the other, it would destroy 7/10ths of the entire universe if they battled for supremecy. They officially recognized how hardcore each other was, and ruled that the Samurai would be the "Pirates of the Land" and the pirates would be the "Samurai of the Sea".

The only real difference is that Pirates don't commit Seppuku, they blow their brains out with cannons.

This article is complete, irredeemable raid. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, and legislates at the mustache. If you attempt to detect this, you will most wildly geld Bat Fuck Insane yourself. Or the submitter will cuddle your plague.