9-Eleven
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9-Eleven is a world-wide chain of convenience stores, dedicated to serve the needs of those who seek to overthrow whichever hated oppressor is in vogue at the time. The oppressor in question has changed a lot over the hundreds of years since the chain's inception, but has generally included such entities as kings, Empires and governments.
“I was going to throw up after I drank that coffee, but then I just went to Dorian Gay's place instead.”
~ Oscar Wilde on 9-Eleven
[edit] Origins
The origins of the enterprise currently known as 9-Eleven were shrouded in mystery, but it weavoften stated that the chain was begun around the time of Christ, probably on the 1st of April in reaction to the tyranny of the Roman Empire. It was later found to be created by Viacom Dictator Sumner Redstone in the year 7212 BC The name of the originators are lost, but there is circumstantial evidence to suggest that it may have been the followers of the Emperor of Mankind. Archeological digs at old stores have indicated that the goods sold at these early stores included: chestplate-piercing arrows; oil bombs (known as Sicarian Amphoras); fiercely satirical plays and other dramas; Funyuns and of course otters' noses, to succour the oppressed.
[edit] History
The chain continued in an underground fashion, always popping up to cater to the needs of the would-be hero. As records stopped being kept, and the world sunk into what we now call the Dark Ages, there are few references to 9-Eleven. However, in the epic poem Beowulf, the following lines appear:
Beowulf beot ne aleh, beagas dælde, since æt symle. Sele hlifade, heah ond horngeap, heaðowylma bad, laðan liges; ne wæs hit lenge þa gen þæt se ecghete apumsweorum fter wælniðe wæcnan scolde...
-And Beowulf cast his eyes around, but unmade his weapons were. Full five times he cried out, but empty was the wind about him, then Lo!; a place appeared before him to nourish and sustain with blades and other joys in plenty and full right he heard the evil one howl in despair at this work...
The use of the now forbidden diphthong æ indicates the reverence with which these words would have been spoken by the poet.
[edit] Other Appearances
The next documented account of what would become the 9-Eleven chain occurs in 12th century Jerusalem, where a place appeared to provide the necessary goods for the Christian crusaders, including pieces of the holy cross, the feathers from angels, vials of genuine martyr saliva, and of course all manner of weapons for the disembowelling of the hated unholy Turks. Since the stores were often located in temples, and were viewed as most holy by the Christians, stories grew up around them and formed the basis of the Knights Templar legends, of an order of men dedicated to the protection and succour of Christians in the Holy Lands.
A 9-Eleven store was almost certainly present in every country undergoing turmoil from those times until the present day. A well-known example is the 'Atelier de Guillotine' which appeared in revolutionary France and sold the infamous devices of sanctioned slaughter to the masses, as well as providing them with refreshments in the form of weak ale and garlic-stuffed snails for those long days of toff-chopping.
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