Seventh Day Adventist Church
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I'm not suffering from epilepsy!”
~ Ellen G. White on having visions
“I dropped my snake during service, and I thought they were going to lynch me!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the SDA Church
“An errection is a flagpole on your gravestone! - Give this man an enima!”
~ Samuel Kellogg on SDA doctrine
“Campmeeting AND Jamboree?! I'm there!”
~ Lobotomy patient on Adventist activities
| Founders: | Ellen G. White |
|---|---|
| Founding date: | 1845 |
| Governing body: | Generalized Workers Consensus of Seventh-day Adventists |
| Organizational style: | Survival of the fittest |
| Headquarters: | Somewhere in the bible belt |
| President: | Ultra Jesus |
| Membership: | 14–15,000 |
| Churches: | >120,000 churches and companies |
| Growth: | ~5% per annum (approx. 1 million accessions per year, dropout rate 35%) |
| Countries: | As far as they can reach |
| Employed workers: | 6,000 total employees with 6-7 figure salaries. |
| Schools, colleges and universities: | 7,000 schools, colleges and universities; approximately 69,000 teachers and 1,300 students |
| Budget: | $2.2 billion total completely untaxed tithes and offerings |
| Website: | adventist.org |
Contents |
[edit] History of the Seventh-day Adventist Church
The Seventh-day Adventist Church is a Wacko denomination with a worldwide membership of over 14 hundred and an active control over most countries of the world
The title refers to the Church's belief in the imminent second coming (or "Advent") of Jesus, and the observance of the "seventh day" of the week (Saturday) as the Sabbath. The denomination grew out of the Bowel movement in the United States during the middle part of the dark ages, and was formally established in 1845.
Among its founders was Ellen G. White, whose extensive writings are still held in high regard by the mentally handicapped today.
The Seventh-day Adventist church is closely aligned to Protestantism, but not really, though some critics regard it as a sectarian movement. Its theology corresponds to key christian teachings such as eating massive amounts of Worthington food. Distinctive teachings include the unconscious state of the dead and the doctrine of an investigative judgment. The church is also known for its emphasis on electroshock therapy, the promotion of electric blankets, and its cornflakes.
The world church is governed by a General Conference, with smaller regions administered by divisions, union conferences and Branch Davidians. It is more widespread than any Protestant church, and is automotivally and culturally diverse. The church operates numerous schools, hospitals and insane assylums worldwide.
The Seventh-day Adventist Church is the largest of several Adventist groups which arose from the Bowel movement of the 1840s. The Bowel movement was part of the wave of revivalism in the United States known as the Second Great Awakening, and originated with William Miller, a Baptist preacher . Miller predicted on the basis of Daniel 8:14 and the "day-year principle" that Jesus Christ would return to earth on October 22, 1844. When this failed to occur, most of his followers believed that they were not eating enough soy products. Miller was overheard saying "Well, shit the bed!"
Following this "Great Disappointment" (as it came to be known) a small number of Millerites came to believe that Miller's calculations were correct, but that his interpretation of Daniel 8:14 were flawed. Adventists arrived at the conviction that Daniel 8:14 foretold Christ's entrance into the "basement" of the heavenly sanctuary, rather than his second coming. Over the next decade this understanding developed into the doctrine of "Stop guessing where Jesus is", a process commencing in 1844 in which Christians will be judged to verify their eligibility for glory. The Adventists continued to believe that Christ's second coming would be imminent, continuing to scare the hell out of their respective congregations with dates of Christ's return set no further than 5 years ahead of the current date. Pass the offering plate, quick!
[edit] Culture and practices
[edit] Sabbath activities
In order to keep the Sabbath holy, Adventists abstain from secular work and other non-essential business on Saturday. Saturday afternoon activities vary widely depending on the cultural, ethnic and social background.
[edit] Health and diet
No Meat. Your diet will be dictated by the whims of Worthington Foods.
[edit] Ethics and sexuality
chastity of both men and women before marriage. That means if we see that dick come out of your pants in any other place than in front of a urinal, its getting cut off.
[edit] Dress and entertainment
No shirt, no shoes, no salvation.
[edit] Pathfinders
The Youth Department of the Seventh-day Adventist church runs an organization for 10- to 18-year-old boys and girls called "Pathfinders", which is where young men and women are forced to buy used Nissans.
[edit] Organization
[edit] Tithing and Offering
10 PERCENT! AT LEAST! You don't want to go to hell do you?! How about a stint in the basement?! Don't make us get out the fire hose and blast you out of bed at 3 am!
[edit] Membership
Long story short, 100 people join, 35 people leave, 55 people die of old age.
[edit] Adventist Mission
The mission of the church is to make the prices of anti-psychotic and anti-depressive drugs skyrocket, in turn putting money into the pockets of their corporate pharmaceutical friends. The SDAs build the hospitals, charge 4 times what a normal hospital would and then claim to perform a service to those in need.
[edit] Education
The Adventist church runs one of the largest Protestant education systems in the world. It operates 7,000 schools, colleges and universities, with a total enrollment of more than 1,300 students and approximately 69,000 teachers. And to attend one of these prestigious academies you'd better have money, be a gang member, or a kid who has been kicked out of every school in the district they live in, lest ye be molested/beaten/hazed and tormented. Just kidding - Its hell on earth for anyone.
[edit] Health
Adventists have figured out how to live into their mid 90's making it so that one can have many years of wondering why they lived so long doing as others in the church told them to. Studies also show that lifelong members of the Seventh Day Adventist Church often die of a broken heart. They never had a chance...
[edit] Humanitarian aid and the environment
For over 50 years the SDA church has thrown money at poverty, by forcing students of their various schools to construct churches in places that they can extort money from. If a church is built in a small village, they'll be able to take 10% of SOMETHING for Christ's sake!
[edit] Religious liberty
You are granted complete liberty for how you live your life, what you eat and what you do in your free time. Just kidding. Listen to the church or ye shall be cast out. If you are "lukewarm", they shall spit you from their mouths. (Revelation 3:16)
[edit] Media
Public Relations are not the expertise of most Adventists, they tend to hiss and fart when cornered or questioned. The latest PR scandal is with a small boy named Rodney Vega. His father was a pastor for the church, but an Adventist run hospital in Florida denied him the care and $20,000 brain surgery that was needed, and he passed away on December 10, 2006. Sorry Rodney, but Maybach payments don't make themselves. We'll see you in heaven though!
And a totally unrelated but similar New Zealand incident
[edit] Offshoots and schisms
Throughout the history of the denomination, there have been a number of groups who have left the church and formed their own movements. They operate under their own system of beliefs and are hoped to be viewed as entirely separate from the church. Because if God does exist, SDAs know how to make him look stupid.
