Severus Snape

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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Little Orphan Ani is really Darth Vader, Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter defeat the archangel together so that Lyra and Will can save the world, Hellboy opens the door to Hell, Verbal Kint is Keyzer Söze, the Narrator is Tyler Durden, Bruce Willis is a ghost, Don Corleone survives the shootout, M. Bison was the killer of Chun Li's father, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

“I trust Severus with my life.”

~ Dumbledore on Snape

“In Soviet Russia, Dumbledore kills YOU, Snape!”

~ Russian Reversal on Dumbledore

“I'm going to give you a clue...let's just say the only reason I'm nervous in his class is because Snape rhymes with RAPE.”

~ Neville Longbottom on his own insecurities

Ecky-Thump has long had a reputation for being a "black art" because of the terror that a skillfully wielded sausage can elicit in simple folk.

Severus "On A Plane" Snape, known worldwide for raping Albus Dumbledore, was once a rap artist known as, "Snowflake" for his whiteness. He went to Mercersburg academy for a few years, but dropped out to proceed his music career. He had temporary fame, but when his boyfriend was killed in a gay gangster turf war, Snape dropped out of the business, briefly disappearing from the publics eye.

[edit] Music Career

As "Snowflake", Snape was very popular until he released his controversial album "Why don't you die", before then he had 13 top 10 hits, inculding 6 number ones. Below are a list of unpopular songs.

• Books are for Retards
• Let's Meditate (Ahh Yeah)
• Voldys Mum (Has Got It Going On)
• Bebop Salsa Rock and Roll Rapfest
• It is Totally A Trap Guuurrrl
• Questionable Matters Concerning the DEPTHS of the Original Author's HUMOR (YEAH!)

But his career did die.

“Why oh why was it his music career! Why? It should have beeen him!”

~ His most/only loving fan

[edit] What next?

When Hitler and the Fourth Reich rose to power in France's sewers, Snape decided to join them, as he was seeking revenge from the Eskimos, who had been persecuting him because of his albino skin.

After minor victories in Europe, Snape was captured by butt-frogs and their fart kitty captain during the Mexican invasion of France.

Snape was taken to the sultan's palace in Washington, D.C. (the province, not the capital) where he was forced to endure the worst possible torture...watching every episode of Will and Grace.

Snape soon escaped with help (Himmler - his boyfriend at the time) from butt-frog rebels.

However, the war was drawing to a close. Hitler had his anal cherry popped and became pregnant, and the Fourth Reich accidentally bombed their own air fields.

[edit] Modelling Career

Snape is not only a greasy twit, hes also a runway hit! Modelling for top desighners such as "Capes'R'us Dior" and the maternity line at "Voldi&Gabbana". With all of this show business he managed to raise his daughter "Veriturum", therefore winning the father of the year award, quickly losing it due to an emergecy month spent in rehab due to his polyjuice addiction. But after he emerged a new man, going on to battle the dark lord lyposuction in a fight for natural beauty. Although he is now retired the ever popular "snaper" hairstyle will live on, despite rumors of the "voldicut" comeing back into fashion.

[edit] His Time in the Mafia

Snape worked in and out of the Mafia for a few years following his side's loss.

Although he left when offered the leading role in an 'amazing' new film.

[edit] So what was this 'Amazing' new film?

Snapes on a Plane

Well it was the 2006 thriller movie Snapes On A Plane.

Well, it was a huge hit in Antarctica but no where else it seemed. Following this disaster, Snape decided to leave his acting career.

[edit] Can His Life Get Any Worse??

Well very simply...YES!

Is constantly referred to as Snaperdoodle, (which he hates).

When Snape emerged from the sewers he went into something even sleazier...politics.

Snape joined the Democratic party and was elected for a first term, and he did well, but he had to drop out because a black supremacist group threatened his life.

[edit] Here comes the Worst Of It!

Jobless, Snape was forced to get an online degree to teach students.

He eventually found himself at Hogwarts, where he made fun of and even attempted to murder geeks with big glasses and sweet-ass looking scars.

This continued for several years until one fateful night.

[edit] What Happened On That 'Fateful Night'??

Police originally thought Snape assassinated his employer, Dumbledore. However, a joint union of FDA and Kremlin secret police found out it was a hoax set up by the duo to cash in on Dumbledore's life insurance. When they investigated the scene farther, they found large amounts of LSD ready to be shipped out to Berlin.

[edit] Then...

Severus Snape was sentenced to life in prison for war crimes and drug trafficing. He was leading an Aryan group in prision. He soon contracted AIDS from his small Filipino bitch.

Luckily for Snape, instead of dying of AIDS, Voldemort murdered him after a brawl over a pubic hair on a toothbrush.

Dumbledore has yet to be found...

In April of 1982, Snape killed Trinity with Rosebud, but it turned out they were both Tyler Durden.

[edit] Snape and Oscar Wilde

Snape idolises Oscar Wilde to the point of stealing his clothing and hairstyle. He even went so far as to invent a spell titled "Oscarius Wildeum" which forces the victim to drop their trousers and turn about-face.

[edit] "Snapesnogger"

Very recently, on the website DeviantArt.com, a mysterious obsessed fangirl has been trying to resurrect Snape through her drawings ever since he died. However, she hasn't had much success, as all of her drawings thus far have either featured him in embarrassing sexual poses (sometimes with Hermione) or have his head and body fused with a snake's belly and tail. Plus, he has no nose in these drawings. And when other Snape fans try to correct her, she goes crazy! Ironically enough, though, she continuously receives numerous accolades from people. Go figure.