Sex Pistols
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The Sex Pistols were a team of superheroes dedicated to the ideals of Truth, Justice, and Anarchy in the U.K. They invented the famous phrase, "Just say fuck, I already did all those drugs."
Their early history has often been overlooked, but it is a well known that, for a brief period, they were Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. Then one day, they met one man - a man of ideals and great virtue - who introduced them to drugs. Now convinced that the movement was for "wankers", they left the scene and sought new territory to put their skills to use.
[edit] History
Sid Vicious took the rag-tag team and trained them. He taught them to use the superhuman gifts given to them by God. He taught them to believe in themselves, to believe in one another, and to believe in the power of Rock and/or Roll.
In gratitude, and because he was obviously the most talented of them all, they allowed Vicious to name them after his maternal grandfather, Sir Sexton G. Pistol (contrary to the popular belief that they are named after their magic handguns which impregnate women).
Since then, the Sex Pistols have changed the world, rebuilding London using only the power of their minds, rescuing schoolgirls from Joni Mitchell, defeating Soviet Russia, and single-handedly giving birth to many strapping young boys.
In short, the Sex Pistols are the greatest band in the world.
The remaining Sex Pistols now reside in the small sailing town of K'th'k't. Tragically, Sid Vicious died of boob suffocation in 1979, due to complications from the giant boob that grew on his head. Johnny Rotten's house is a cardboard box. Small children knock on his box, and then run and hide around nearby corners. "Oi," they snigger with glee as they hear him mumble "Hegutghfgeryibestads." Now there is an asshole named Glen Matlock claiming he was the bassist before Vicious. He is now dead. His remains are scattered throughout the world.
[edit] Legacy
Aside from numerous covers of his songs by Frank Sinatra, Sid Vicious is also known for inviting Adolph Hitler to become a member of the group. Unfortunately for music fans everywhere, Mr. Hitler was already engaged in a terrible war with Great Britain, and refused to sing the lyrics to God Save the Queen, merely "on principle." Mr. Vicious promised to become a first-class anarchist in an attempt to prove his antisocial political views to a disillusioned Hitler, but to no avail.
Sid Vicious invented "lol", sneering (later stolen by Billy Idol), and the bass knife, which later was used on the infamous Bollock (see below). According to common knowledge, Vicious' Bass Lute was crafted from a single tree, grown in the orchards of Ventongimps
“That dude is one far out drummer, man.”
~ Sid Vicious on Hitler (after taking some bad shit)
“I can't believe its not heroin”
~ Sid Vicious on Margerine
“That man can fuck. And I mean REALLY fuck.”
~ Hitler on Sid Vicious
“Sex pistol? Isn't that like a penis?”
~ Stephen Hawking on Sex Pistols
“Mein schmunf growgen glieben.”
~ Hitler on complimenting the Sex Pistols
[edit] Bollocks
It has been said that the world has the Sex Pistols to blame for its constant abuse of "bollocks." As we all know, "bollocks" is really just a euphemism for "dirty, whorish sex with prepubesent polar bears." Apparently, the band became interested in this activity as a form of quasi-religious worship. It seems fairly certain that they started a cult, just so they could molest more polar bears and, in so doing, claim a large tax deduction. Though it cannot be proven, Michael Jackson is thought to have been an original member of this cult, joining primarily in the hopes of suppressing his latent pedophilic tendencies. Though it completely failed, current cult leaders (such as Fred Phelps) continue to incorporate this story into their internal dogma.
Michael Jackson was never asked to join the band, however, on account of being considered a "queer."
[edit] Drugs
Of all the band members, Keith Richards was found to have ingested the smallest amount of dangerous drugs, based on average measurements of drug-to-blood ratio over time. Sid's ratio of liquid heroin to blood was well over 100:1, and at one point he had to be hospitalized when trace amounts of actual urine were found in his urine. Nevertheless, no member of the Sex Pistols ever admitted to any drug use whatsoever, and it is a certainty that drugs had no effect on their music, other than to make it much, much better of course. Nowadays a bottle of Keith's blood can get you so fucked up, you'll think you've just huffed an orange kitten.
[edit] Their Integrity
Sex Pistols will go down as the punkiest band ever, because switching to a major record company doesn't make you sell out. Also, your bassist being a little bitch and going emo doesn't ruin your reputation. Pretending to be the anti-Christ is cool, especially when you're a little shit who lives with your mommy when you write it.
[edit] Whom They Laid
Sid Vicious is known to have slept with 1,037 women, including The Queen (Vicious wrote "God Save The Queen" for her as a thank-you for the many nights of passionate rogering); Martha Stewart; Sharon Stone; Angelina Jolie; Scooby Doo; Fred Phelps; Mother Theresa (twice in one night); that hot, blonde chick that works for the D.A. on Law & Order; Laura Bush; the Bush twins (both at the same time, naturally); my ex-wife; the Lindbergh baby; Pope John Paul II's mother; your mother; Paris Hilton; and you.
Johnny Rotten's sexual claim-to-fame was a terrible scandal in which he was found to have participated in a threesome with Monica Lewinsky and George Bush. Mr. Rotten has since apologized for the incident, but has never been entirely forgiven by his fans. It is also suspected that the President gave him one of those nasty social diseases which never, ever really goes away. (Even if you get a shot.)
[edit] Breakup
Little is known about the breakup of the Sex Pistols. Conspiracy theorists have long surmised that Satan himself was involved. According to rumor and conjecture, the Prince of Darkness was angry at the group for not being able to recruit Adolph Hitler to play the drums. Hitler and Satan had a previous association in a former decade, and were known to be good friends, and Lovers. Furthermore, when the Dark Underlord discovered that Sid was sleeping with Fred Phelps, he decided this was the last straw. (Fred and Satan have, indeed, been estranged for quite a number of years.) At any rate, it is assumed that Lucifer himself made the fatal phone call to 911 reporting the location of Sid and his then-girlfriend, Nancy Spungen (who was at the time pregnant with George W Bush Jr), as well as the quality of their heroin. The rest, as it were, is history.
“Either he apologizes, or he can sit out there with his thumb up his arse for the rest of eternity.”
~ Satan on Sid Vicious
It is known for a fact that Satan reserved a special place in purgatory for Mr. Vicious, just across from the wine and cheese table. Apparently, their falling out has kept the group members from their rightful place in Eternal Damnation.
[edit] Sex Pistols Facts
- Sid Vicious liked to find the smallest cock and shove it into his ear.
- The Sex Pistols were solely responsible for the Lindberg kidnapping
- Johnny Rotten prefers the pronounciation 'Sax Peystels' to the classical 'Sex Pistols'. He's English after all.
- Margaret Thatcher once wanted to have sex with Sid Vicious, but was denied on account of being a hermaphrodite.
- The Sex Pistols once took credit for all the wars which have occurred in the Middle East, but this was an exaggeration.
- Johnny Rotten's will states that his heirs will not receive a penny unless they put a hyperdermic needle, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a photo of his favourite escort in his coffin.
- Adolph Hitler still performs covers of 'Anarchy in the U.K.', but only in German.
- Thomas Edison invented the cell phone for the sole purpose of being able to download a Sex Pistols' ringtone.
- Maddox was the band song writer, until he got bored and started kicking children in the head. 'Cos Maddox is just so awesome. Isn't that right you big fat nerds?
- Terri Schaivo went comatose due to seeing the size of Vicious' Penis
- It is believed that Oscar Wilde and Henry Kissinger were invited to join the band in 1537 by Johnny Rotten and his eleventh spouse Bernice Juach III (the harmonica player at the time, as well), Vicious, having bad memories of Wilde and Kissinger instantly summoned all of the Weapons, killed them and defeated the Elite Four all within three seconds just to show the two that he could hurt them. This, of course ended up beginning the Enlightenment several years later.
- Despite popular belief, the first Holy Roman Emporer was not Otto I, Sid Vicious (who also held the position of Pope, every cardinal and every archbishop and at the same time being more outspoken of an Atheist than Penn Jillette) was.
- Viacom is actually a daughter company of Sid Vicious
- Nobody actually knows that Steve Jones and Paul Cook were also in the fucking band, not just Johnny and Sid
[edit] Best of
In late 2005, a best of album of the Sex Pistols was released, titled "The Problem is You, Here's The Best of the Sex Pistols" The Graphics of the album were applauded for including four different colours including lemon and gold.The twelve featured songs included; "Seventeen" , "Bodies" , and "Electric and Musical Industries Ltd" (otherwise known as "E(and).M.I.(Ltd)"). The album was released to coincide with the Queen's Birthday, and was presented to her majesty gift-wrapped in white, red, and blue striped paper (not to be confused with Wally's long-sleeve off "Where's Wally" (or Waldo for those whom don't speak Australianese)). It was later found discarded with some of her other standard presents such as socks and humour mugs with quotes such as, "You don;t have to be MAD to work here but it helps!!!"
