Shadow the Hedgehog
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“This is the Ultimate!”
~ Shadow the Hedgehog on Just about Everything in Sonic Adventure 2
Shadow the Hedgehog is an anti hero and the dark incarnation of Sonic the Hedgehog. He is a hitman working for the Team Chaotix Hitman Agency. Some say he is Emo, and it is true. Who could hate the world and not be emo at the same time?
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[edit] Creation
Shadow was created by Prof. Gerald Robotnik to be the Ultimate Life-Form. (Yes, that's Ultimate with a capital U.) Gerald's niece Maria (you really don't care, do you?) suffered from nibs (nymph-like irresistible body syndrome) and Gerald figured that an artificial hedgehog would not only be unaffected by a human female due to supreme morale standards, (unlike a certain blue hedgehog) but also keep Maria company and protect her from creepy otaku folk . Shadow ended up getting most of his bizarre traits from Gerald, such as his foul breath and deadly aim with nearly any weapon known to man.
Shadow's life didn't start too badly--he'd talk to the researchers, walk about, and look at the Earth beneath him. Boring, one might say, but at least it was peaceful.
Shadow as born entirely black. One day however, while eating a habenero and mayonnaise sandwich, Shadow bit into an extra hot pepper and while in pain he got some Mayo on his chest. Low and behold the Mayo reacted with Shadow's ultimate DNA and became a patch of bright white chest hair, meanwhile the pain from the peppers permanently turned his eyes red and gave him those crazy red stripes.
Shadow was created as Chuck Norris kicked a guy in the face so fast it broke the space-time continuum, causing Earth to be sucked into a black hole(in the future), killing Amelia Airhart(or however u spell it)as she was flying over the Atlantic(past) and creating Shadow in the near future. Chuck Norris also transferred some of his powers to shadow( chaos control, chaos blast, etc.)
[edit] Two Stupid Mistakes
Well, the one thing about governments is that they suck. The head-up-his-ass commander of G.U.N. (doesn't stand for anything, it's just made to sound cool) decided that killing everyone on the ARK was a good thing to do. Why, we don't know. We don't really care either.
Anyway, after seeing all the corpses, including that of his "beloved¨ Maria, Shadow spent most of his time killing all the soldiers, and after that, drinking every ounce of beer, wine, gin and whiskey within the space station. In a drunken stupor (heed this warning, kids!), he ejected himself down to Earth. That was, of course, Shadow's first mistake.
What really happened, was G.U.N. was supposed to protect the space station. Unfortunately, the G.U.N. troops all got high off of the A.R.K.'s exhaust fumes and sipped a little too much beer. They thought the scientists were all hippies ( G.U.N. rule 1- kill all Hippies(stupid tree hugging biatches!)).G.U.N. was authorized to send a 2nd strike, however, they were all high off germ-x and ended up hitting the colony A.R.K.( thus giving the maker of the crappy arcade game: asteroids the idea) and exploding into a million pieces. After Shadow learned about them drinking his stash of beer, he killed them all. Then, Shadow commited suicide for no apparent reason.
[edit] Found and Bound
Shadow's second mistake was aiming the escape pod at a big-ass minefield. What happened next? It begins with "B and ends with ¨OOM!¨, that's right, BIG MUSHROOM! Shadow miraculously survived--but he landed right in front of some soldiers. After being taken to prison, his sentence was carried out--Shadow was given an atomic wedgie and subsequently stuffed in a cryogenic capsule for the next 50 years. After about 2 weeks in the capsule thingy, his memory got really fucked up.
[edit] As time went by
 After he was freed by Eggman, his memory was even more fucked up than before, thinking Maria wanted Shadow to kill everyone. After stealing a ring upgrade unit to boost his powers, he then decided to teach the people of Earth a lesson, saying, "I promised Maria something--but I can´t remember what..." He then teamed up with Dr. Eggman and Rouge the Bat to destroy all fans of Final Fantasy VII and Sephiroth because he just wasn't as good of a singer as his big brother. But then Amy Rose convinced him to save them, tricking him into thinking that he was supposed to save the world, after humping him several times. He then fought the Crocodile, a giant lizard that looked eerily like a big red dick. Shadow instead blew that fucker's head off and the entire space colony. Then he found the "Instantly Turn Into a Golden-Looking Super-Sexy Almighty God" power-up and used it to save the others and fell to Earth, thinking "Boy, I'd sure kill for some Kool-Aid." [edit] DrunkennessShadow is an alcoholic. One time, after going on an alcohol fuelled rampage, killing a lot of people, he then explained that he thought some black aliens were invading the earth. In reality it was just G.U.N. putting the crack down on black guy street crime. It is alcohols fault that he is an amnesiac. Now he takes AA meetings and now gets drunk off of Kool-Aid. But some guy took his kool-aid so he killed everyone in the room because he was angry. Then he killed Bill Gates to get two chaos emeralds and a jug of double scotch. Rouge witnessed the murder and was going to tell the authorities but shadow used the double scotch to get her drunk so she wouldn't remember anything and for fun had sex with her. He once drank five bottles of beer at a tavern when Metal Sonic and Michael Jackson found him and told him Eggman wanted the three of them to work together. Eggman told them to first go after Silver and Espio. Metal Sonic went after espio while shadow and Michael Jackson went after silver. Silver found out they were following him and brutally murdered Michael Jackson. A drunken shadow then horribly beat him with chaos blast. Then Metal Sonic and Shadow were in the forest looking for something and he packed a bottle of tequila. They got ambushed by Espio and Silver and got beat up and espio took his tequila and his chaos emerald. When shadow regained consciousness he spent the next month looking for him and eventually found him while drunk from drinking a gallon of whisky and stabbed him several times with chaos spear(apparently alcohol is a substitute for a chaos emerald). [edit] Where is he now??According to rumours, Shadow later was baptised into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Another rumour (and a more likely possibility) is that he worships himself. This is not surprising, considering he is the Ultimate Life-form...right? Shadow then set off to find out about Eggman and repent for his evil ways. After Shadow repented, he put himself under the tutelage of Chuck Norris; to this date Shadow is the only being resilient enough to survive Chuck's torturous training regimens (although Espio the Chameleon had a narrow escape from a violent orgy he once organised). Another rumour heard by several fangirls say he is secretly in a relationship with Sonic. This rumor is obviously not true considering Shadow is already in a relationship with Rouge the Bat, plus Sonic says that he is too busy to free his schedule of time for a relationship with anyone, gay or straight, due to his constant state of being a douche bag. Yet, other people say he got too drunk and fell off the earth (however that happened) and is currently living in Hell. In Hell, Shadow, Satin, Itigaki, Hitler, and Dr. Robotnik play poker every Wednesday. [edit] Sonic vs Shadow10+ reasons why Shadow is better than Sonic:
These reasons aren't the end of the debate, however. If we said they were we'd be Sued in 0.567 seconds. |
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