Shaquille O'Neal
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“Hey Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes!!”
~ Shaq
“Cheat Shaquille, Looky, she eats!”
~ Mewtwo on Shaq
“Slam-Bam...Kazaam!!!”
~ Shaq on his alter-ego
“HE ain't passin the ball. gimme da rock, and i dunk that shit!!!”
~ Shaq on Kobe
“I told you: I'm not Shaq, I'm Kazaam: a rappin' genie...with attitude.”
~ Kazaam on not being Shaq
Shaq "uille" O'Neal is one of the most famous Irish superheroes of all time. He is also an Polish nonprofessional basketball player in his free time, currently a center for the Phoenix Suns, is the Jedi Master of Poland and is known for having the biggest feet ever. Every civilization known to humankind has some record of Shaq - for example, he is known in the Bible as He who must not be named (a practice later discarded as confusing).
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[edit] Life
Acting under the name of Sauron, he used his fiery speeches to gather support for his cause. When he had gathered up armies of freedom-fighters under his command, the evil Gandalf rallied the humans to him (they had long since fallen the his mind controlling talents) and proclaimed that Shaquille O'Neal would die serving him.
However, in one of their many armed clashes, Shaq used his superior height to slam a head-sized ball on Gandalf's head, thus killing him and freeing the people of Middle Earth. Unfortunately for Disney, the people of Middle Earth thanked him by turning him into a genie, "Kazaam."
He is also known to be the controller of all. He is accomplished with the help of his right-hand man, the almighty Lime Cat. (who is actually Dwyane Wade) Shaq's control over lime cat and his destruction of clock spider has undoubtedly earned him the title of supreme ruler of the universe.
[edit] Unfortunate Bad Habits
"Shaq in 2003 started smoking cigarettes. His addiction has grown steadily to reaching twenty-eight packs per day. He is not amused by this addiction, and is currently trying hard to quit... four packs and eventually start chewing tobacco.
[edit] Deaths
Shaq almost died of a heart attack from eating too many Burger King burgers, Shaq Packs and was buried inside the scoreboard of Staples Centre. Most sources are not completely sure if he is still dead or not, but for the most part they have a pretty good guess.
Shaq was diagnosed as death prone both during the 2006 Championship Game, where he died of shock after making 2 free throws, and once again at the post-game press conference, after trying to answer 2 questions at the same time.
[edit] Le Shrac
In the mid 1620s, Shaq flew over to France to play an exhibition game. Due to the heavy french accent, "the Shaq" is known as "Le Shrac" in most of the area. Also, the French claim that Le Shrac is a centaur-type that occasioanlly lightning bolts several people and rises rocks from the ground. Whenever asked a question, he would merely reply "My old bones ache." The DotA character Leshrac was based off him.
[edit] Accomplishments
- Famous big guy from the ultimate showdown.
- Shaq used to play lacrosse, but then realized it was terrible because no video games were made about it.
- Three words. Big. Ass. Feet. Although, it's not really an accomplishment as much a serious, hygienic problem. To hide his embarrassing foot odor problem, the game titled "Shaq's Funk" was censored.
- Shaq, after inventing video games, made his own game Shaq Fu. With its complex storyline, many playable characters, and the inclusion itself, this is a must-own game that will make you more worthy of being a follower of Shaq.
- All I'm going to say is, everyone used to wear really short shorts in the NBA, but they were "coincidentally" lengthened about the same time Shaq entered the NBA. Think about it.
- Making fun of Yao Ming
- Walked a mile underwater
- Appeared in a fairy tale book. Little Red Riding Shaq, Shaq's New Clothes, Shaq and the Beanstalk, Shaq and the Three Bears.
- Win a Championship WITHOUT Kobe Bryant, but actually he still didn't since Dwyane Wade is actually Kobe in a pink dress.
- Missed 150 free throws in a row
- Fought the Lizard King in Vietnam and became Lord of the Hamsters of New Guinea.
- Defeated Kyle Whitaker in a 2-on-1 basketball game. Whitaker's partner was Aaron Carter.
- this not really an accomplishment, but a terrible no good for nothing choice.
He got out of the best thing in his life with LA and Kobe;; Dwayne Wade is never going to win Shaq three championships like Kobe the rapist did. Worst choice in is damn life.
- Shaq has made the largest and most wide spread farts in history resulting the divorce of his wife and his other wife Kobe
- Shaq almost said a funny joke
- Shaq almost understood what puberty means
- Shaq asked CHRIS JERICHO(the guy who says I will excite you on wwe)for flirting tips, (THEY DID NOT WORK UNFORTUNATELY) as farting did not turn his wife on
- One game Shaq broke the backboard when he bricked a free throw and shattered the glass
- Once Shaq went bazooks over the new, inexpensive easy-to-make NBA basketball that he threw it down and put a hole in the ground.
- While many say Shaq is cooling down, he is actually still on fire as he makes his transition from the Miami Heat to the Pheonix Suns
- On NBA 2008 shaq is rated 96 in the allstars (1990) but now on miami (the game is not upto date) he is 89. Go Shaq you are improving
[edit] Trivia
- He beat the Chinese in Ping-Pong in 2004 while simultaneously outsmarting Gargamel in order to save the Smurfs, commonly believed to be Communist spies. Immediately after, he took down Tiger Woods in golf. Then, he went back to his cartoon role of being the Terminator.
- Plans are underways to have Shaq's made into a national park, with or without his consent.
- Shaq famously vanquished Willem Dafoe at the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House. He then proceeded to force all the Jokists of the Holy Roman Empire, which Dafoe had ruled (with an iron fist!) back in time several hundred years.
- Shaq's life was recorded by the influential classical poet Homer Simpson in his masterwork The Shaqiaddossey.
- Was a member of the band T.O.A.S.T.
- Will be starring in the upcoming A-Team movie.
- Starred in the pilot episode of "Tae-Bo: The Next Generation" as the lovable but naive android.
- Shaq smokes four packs of cigarettes per day. He doesn't think it is funny.
- Yeah my mom tutored Shaq at LSU, and um...this accomplishment is about him being
not so smart.very smart indeed.
- Did the worst and gayest vitaminwater commercial...did you see the short guy slap his butt?
“Moral of this story is: don't lose no $40 million, don't build no damn Shaq-bot, oh yeah, and be a friend...pass the ball...you listening to me Kobe?”
~ Shaq on this page
